So good to know that I'm not alone

Hello

Just joined tonight and posted a question and then thought I would introduce myself properly.

I'm 19 months into of the most horrendous time in my life. Reading through these posts has made me realise that my story is not unique (although at the time you think you are the only person who is going through this). My ex lied, cheated and blamed me in an effort to shift his guilt about running away from his responsibilities with a woman 10 years younger than me.

He told me he hadn't really wanted kids, that I had stopped him pursuing the career he had wanted and he left me utterly destroyed with our two sons who he didn't see for 9 months. He is still an unreliable parent, he doesn't pay me the right maintenance and he has moved the woman he had an affair with into our family home five minutes away from me. I had him on a pedestal (my failure) and I would never have believed he could do this to us. He simply wasn't the man I believed (and he told me) he was. Anyone can fall out of love but this man behaved so appalingly I will NEVER forgive him. I now believe he is a narcissist and am slowing unpicking the dynamic of our marriage. He was a workaholic, verbally abusive, he hit me twice during our 13 years together (once when I was pregnant) and he was jealous of his own kids.

I'm so, so much better than I was and it breaks my heart to read these stories and read how much pain people are in. The sense of grief, rejection, failure and heartache that being let down by the person you love the most in the world is one the hardest thing any human has to face and my heart goes out to all of you that are still going through the early stages. It WILL get better. When you get angry you are on the right road.

I still have really bad days and my personal challenge is that I fight with my self worth all the time - probably as a result of the knocking I took from him over the years. There are still days when I think I'm a crap mother, that I screwed up my marriage and that I will be alone for the rest of my life while he prospers. Its good to have found a place to come when the negative thoughts kick in.

A close friend said to me 5 months after my ex left 'you can't let this define your life' and he was right. Thats what I'm struggling to do now everyday and sometimes I'm flying and sometimes I feel like I'm back at stage 1. It is a process and no matter how bad you feel you are making forward momentum.

Hugs to everyone going through this awfulness. xxx

Hi LillyB, thanks so much for your post, i'm sure it will help people here as it has helped me too. My stbx also had an affair 18 months ago (its just ended though) & it knocked me for six, i'm only just the last few weeks getting better, its been a steady progress but i'm going forward thank god! I also went through emotional & physical abuse in his drinking days (hes an alcoholic but now in AA) & i couldnt believe that he could just turn his back on me after standing by him for 16 yrs and go to a woman 12 yrs younger!!
What i have found out now though (from him himself) is that he didnt love her, he used her to feel better about himself cos his marriage was in shreds!
You're right that you can be up sometimes then back to stage 1 again, its a rollercoaster of emotions but it does get better, it HAS to!
I try to focus on my family & friends, decorating my rented house etc instead of on the past, i look after myself more, dress up every day, wear make-up & try to myself & the world that i can cope no matter what he does to me!
I'm sorry you went through this too, but its good to know we have another friend here at Wikki to share our story with, & someone to share our fears & future with.
Keep posting, its good to hear from you,
Cindy

Hey Cindygirl

Its amazing how painting your nails can take on such importance isn't it? I never used to bother but looking after me seems really crucial now! Its a sign our self esteem is returning I think. That and getting back to stimulating work and wonderful, wonderful friends. I really don't think I would be here now if it wasn't for them.

We have been through so much and recovery is a long road. Thanks for being so welcoming. Take care and I'll check back soon to see how everyone is.

LilyB
Thank you for your post, it was encouraging, but didn't say everything will be fab - some days I feel fine, others almost suicidal.

My marriage has been a mess for some time and when my husband agreed separation was a good idea I felt nothing but relief.

I've been surprised to find that now he's moved out (to another woman, of course) that I firstly missed him and now I feel so angry that he was so pathetic he couldn't go till he found someone else to wash his socks etc.

I think the worst thing is that it makes you doubt your own judgment - could I really have married someone that shallow? You question whether your idea of your relationship was ever right!

My husband seems to have the attitude that we weren't getting on, so now he's gone I should be happy and he's got someone else so he's happy and everything is Ok provided I don't spend too much money and sort out our kids, because he's far too busy having a good time to do it.

It's horrible because I just want to get shot of all the pain and guilt and anger and grief and get on with the rest of my life, but I know I have to go through all the sh*t first and seemingly my husband hasn't needed this phase, he just went from "I'm not happy with you" to "I'm going out with my mates" to "I've met someone else and she and I are so compatible".

Hi lilyB

Welcome to wiki ,

Wow what you wrote could of come from me , You have found the right place to come you are almost finally at the end of this long and painful journey of mixed up emotions just read back what you typed , bet you could'nt type that 12 months ago.Your gaining strength all the time and you won't be alone forever your going to close the door on that chapter of your life and open a new one and i tell you what it's great.

Hi LillyB, yes you're right, painting your fingernails & toenails, wearing make-up, buying new clothes has all helped me to feel better in myself, its also got me a few dates lol Ive not met the right one but made a few good male friends that i can share a drink out or a chat with. Mostly I'm happy on my own, but i do sometimes fear the future alone, i hate the winter dark nights!! But then i tell myself to 'just live in today' & i get by! Who knows what tomorrow will bring? It could be my Prince Charming lol
Well, i can dream a little....
take care,
Cindy

Hi LittleNeil, i could bet that your ex isnt as happy as you think with his new woman, if he chose her that quickly & just wants a mother-figure to wash for him etc then he really is shallow! Anyone can do that, just pick up with the opposite sex & try to make it work, but we are too choosy for that! My guess is she will get bored of him or he of her and you will have the last laugh, hopefully when you're happily in a new relationship yourself!
Your day will come, just keep going forward,

Cindy