Wee Me

Hi folks. This is long, I'm afraid!

I have been reading this site for a while and comforted that there are people feeling like me and that my story is not unusual.

42. Married for 18 years - together for 21, 3 sons aged 11, 7, and 3. I work full time and have always taken the lion's share of the housework and childcare. Also the major earner in household. Husband is 3 years younger. Thought our marriage was going really well - we both seemed happy and things were starting to go well for us at work, financially, as a family etc In April we sold one of our cars and he went down to Weymouth (we live in Scotland) to buy a 2 seater convertible sports car. When he returned he admitted to having an affair with a work colleague 15 years my junior and had been away with her that weekend. There followed 4 months of his having the affair while I tried to work on marriage. During our family holiday 2 months ago I caught him on the phone to her and saw red. We argued and he violently assaulted me and then flew home to be with her. I have seen him once since then and felt so threatened I called the police. He refuses to communicate with me and we are using solicitors. He says he will only speak to me through mediation. At times I am strong and at others I am so sad and angry I have texted and phoned him and ranted and raved to the extent where the wee lassy picked up the phone and shouted HARASSMENT. Other times i can go days without contacting him. He gets annoyed when I don't pick up the phone. Things are not going well. I am on anti depressants and sleeping tablets. He has given me one payment for the car loan and one 25% payment of his net salary. I am paying a hefty mortgage and 2 car loans, a hefty overdraft, the credit card debt and childcare fees. He is demanding 50% of equity. Access to the children is limited and I know in my heart he will have to see them but have been following threads on this and feel so strongly that he put himself before the kids and that the kids are always in a state after he has been in touch. Want to move on but don't want to let go. I loved him so much. So sad for the future I have lost and most definitely for the future my kids have lost. Feel over the hill and destined to spend my life on my own. Better sign off before I whinge too much!! Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Wee Kate,

Welcome to Wikivorce. You may be wee, but your problems are definitely not! Sorry to hear that things are going badly for you.

Hmmmm - symptoms begin with two seater sports car? Diagnosis - MID LIFE CRISIS! What a fool he is. How long does he think it is likely to last with his new friend? What has he given up for his 'dream'?

Sadly, I am not to familiar with Scottish law, but another user here has put together an excellent blog on Scottish law and divorce:

divorcesurvivor-fiona.blogspot.com/

Short of time and just wanted to say welcome - other users will no doubt add their thoughts.

It is a very difficult time for you, but use the support here, through the forum, blogs and chat room.

It does and will get better. Just doesn't seem that way right now. Take care of you and your children.

Mike

PS 42 is a mere BABY! Life begins at 40 - allegedly

Hi Wee Kate, welcome on board!

Wiki's that strange place where it's normal to have all these worries, emotions and concerns. So there's lots of sympathetic people here to help.

Even though all the praticalities may appear over whelming, the first priority at the moment is looking after yourself, and, in some way, coming to terms with what has happened. That's a very personal journey, but only then can you move onto resolve all the pratical issues. I've found the AD's helpful, also counselling, and most of all the support from my family.

It will also be best for your children if they can maintain contact with the father.

Best wishes

Kalamari

Hi WeeKate, So sorry this has happened to you too, an affair is the hardest thing to get through in life, i know as my stbx started one 18 months ago, i was horrified to say the least, & its took me a year to get used to the idea that we are over. I still have down days where i think its not worth carrying on, and that i will never find anyone else to love etc but i'm 80% better today than i waa a few months ago.
Your hubby has acted on impulse, probably through mid-life crisis but one day he will realise what he has thrown away.
You have to ask yourself this, 'Could you ever take him back if he wanted to come back & trust him & be happy again? I tried that last November but it didnt work, & i was right to not trust him again as he was seeing her still behind my back!
We are all here for you & will try to get you through it, keep posting & read others threads, it helps to know what you're feeling is normal.
Take care
Cindy

Thanks everyone. Feeling low as got out on my own for the first time in weeks and eldest phoned me in tears asking me to come home. He has just cried himself to sleep and says he wants to kill himself. I've asked for counselling for him but there is an 8 week waiting list and he is adamant he won't speak to anyone about it. His school are supportive but he won't speak to anyone as he doesn't want anyone to know. There aren't many single parents in our social circle. His dad says I am exaggerating things!!

Hallo and welcome

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and has been felt and is being felt by people on these boards including me.

My marriage was really over for a while before I recognised it - and it only ended because husband found another woman to take him in. He moved out in July, so its still early days for me, but I am on the roller coaster of emotions. I don't thank goodness have any debts, but I do earn a pittance as I took job that fitted in around school hours and school holidays. I am 52 and feel completely over the hill.

On good days I feel I am coping, but I am on antidepressants and having to see 16-year old son drop out of 6th form and have no aim at all as "life is sh*t". It's very bleak sometimes, so I have to keep saying things will be better in a few years' time.

Sometimes its very hard to believe that and I feel that life is sh*t and I'd be better off dead. That's when I play "Everybody Hurts" by REM.

Take care, keep posting.

Thank you. If it is any help, I am a teacher and have seen many kids especially boys drop out in S5 / S6 and return to visit a few years later having "found" themselves. I can't listen to music as it hurts to much and makes me cry. So I am forced to listen to my kids' choice in music! Old fogey at 42!