Help :o(

My marriage is definitely over. My husband has not worked for years leaving me to carry the burden of everything. I pay all the bills but the mortgage is in joint names so I cannot put the property on the market without his permission which he refuses to give. He ia adamant that the marriage is not over and is constantly harassing me to "try again". Does anyone have any experience of a situation like this??

Ataloss,

Welcome to Wikivorce, where the irrational meets the impossible.

Sometimes when faced with some pretty harsh realities in life, we men can do a great ostrich impression, and thrust our heads deep into the sand. There is an oft used expression at Wikivorce 'It takes two to tango, but if one leaves the dancefloor, what happens then?'

Sady it seems that your husband has not reached that stage of realisation and is desperately trying to revive something that is seemingly long gone.

One thing that may help would be for you both to attend marriage counseling through someone like Relate.

People often think of Relate as a sticking plaster to repair a broken marriage, but they are also extremely good at helping a couple understand the realities of becoming two individuals. Your husband needs to hear from a third party that you have drawn your line in the sand.

I am sure that you have thought at length about your decision and arrived at it after a lot of heartache. He hasn't got out of the starting blocks yet and needs to catch up. It seems that he doesn't want to take your word for it. So he needs to hear it from someone else, albeit gently and over a period of time, allowing him time for reflection.

My wife gave me a fait accomplis - It's over. No trying to repair, trying to understand, trying to salvage. Just over. If someone else had been involved on either side, I might have been able to accept it more quickly.

I fought that tooth and nail to begin with (sound familiar?) because I did not believe that she had thought it all through and felt that it was not the best decision for either us as a couple or our children. Perhaps if we had discussed it at length and drawn certain conclusions together, I would have reacted differently. 18 months on from being told, I still haven't quite come to terms with it all, but I do know and have known for about 6 months that there is absolutely no going back from here.

Hope it helps,

Mike

Thanks Mike

Although I know that I do not love him any more I am concerned for his state of mind and suggested that he gets some sort of help which he refused to do so I have thought about Relate in that I KNOW it's the end - it's just a matter as you say, of him getting to realise it and I certainly think that a 3rd impartial party might help get this across. After everything he has put me through I know that nothing he could do now would make any difference but I want him to pull himself together for his own sake - and for the sake of our child. I will certainly suggest it, but in the previous times I have suggested Relate I have been met with "It's nobody's business but ours" - I am also concerned that when I do suggest it he will see it as a glimmer of hope!

Ataloss,

You care about him not for him. Yes, you can't be with someone and have children together with out there being some bond, even post divorce.

I just read your response to another post where you tell a little more baout your situation. Hmmm, not exactly whiter than white was he? Not unreasonable that you would be upset with him at all.

OK, 'Nobody's business but ours'. Yes. Two ways of doing this. THe consensual way or the confrontational way. The trick is to make him want to go the consensual route.

He needs to understand that the gravy train is pulling into the last station on the track, and he is going to hvae to get off. if he doesn't get off, someone will come and throw him off. But he has the chance to go gracefully.

He needs to undersatnd that things are changing dramatically from here. If he isn't prepared to listen, you have to start making those subtle changes. Like not doing his washing. Not shopping for his food, Not making his meals. Occasionally at first, but more frequently as time goes on.

Open your own bank account and have your salary paid into that and move the critical direct debits. Take yourself off the joint account. Tell him you are doing these things at each step of the way.

Keep pushing the counseling throughout. He will crack eventually.

Good luck and keep posting here. Lots of others here have been where you are now. Take care of yourself and your child first, him second.

Mike