Hello everybody
I am new to the site, but have been lurking a while reading posts, occasionally getting some comfort but often being depressed at the amount of misery and aggravation that so many people are experiencing.
My story is that I have been married for 20 years. Most of it unhappy. I have three children, 16, 15 and 8. I have found my husband very difficult to live with and often he has made me very unhappy and despairing, but I accept there are faults on both sides. I finally plucked up the courage at the beginning of this year to tell him that I no longer wanted to be with him and did not love him. This came completely out of the blue for him and he is devastated. All I want now is to be sorted out and make our arrangements so that we can move on. I appreciate that this is very difficult for him. I have suggested that we share the care of the children and sell the house and split the equity equally. He earns around £33,000 and I earn about £24,000. I will be entitled to some help with buying a property through a key worker scheme and have worked out the figures and it is possible, with him giving me £250 a month. I will be paying childcare bill of £900 but he will have to have bigger mortgage, so this will leave us in similar positions, month to month. I have only worked a total of 7 years full time so have little pension to speak of, while he has paid into pension for last 20 years. I do not want a share of his pension, also he can have endowment policies on mortgage when they pay out which is over next 4 to 7 years, then he will be mortgage free. He can have shares that are in his name worth £10,000 roughly I want other assets split equally. I think this leaves him better off than me. But I only want what I need to live on. I certainly am not going to be one of those money-grabbing ex wives!
I think this is a fair way of settling things, but my problem is that he cmpletely refuses to discuss things. Simply telling me that I can't do this to him and I have to change my mind. I have told him until I am blue in the face that I am sorry but my mind is made up. I have suggested going to mediators but he refuses to go. He is still living in the house and is just trying to act as if nothing is happening. I did see a solicitor and he was sent a
form E to complete which he started doing then asked me to call off solicitors and he would move out. Since then nothing has happened. Last time I brought up question of arrangements he threatened suicide. He is dead against selling the house.
Now I simply do not know what to do. I could go back to solicitor but if he decides to fight this all the way then I do not have the £20,000+ the solictor says it may cost. Given the awfulness of the situation I think I have been as reasonable as I can be. I have not asked him to leave the house, but I want to sell and have a fresh start.
Does anybody have any advice. I have been extremely depressed about the situation and now on anti-depressants as in despair as to how to get sorted out. He can be very irrational and unpredictable. He has has flashes of very bad temper over last few months and twice I have been sexually assaulted and once he put his hands around my throat when very angry. He immediately apologised and nothing like this has happened lately, but this all makes me scared of his reaction next time I bring up the subject of arrangements. A friend has said I was mad not to get him out of the house after the last sexual assault and that I could have got an injuction against him. However this would be such a horrible thing to do and so upsetting for the children I would rather go about things in a nice way. This is my problem - I am too nice and hate confrontation so keep putting things off, but like I say I am now on anti-depressants and have never felt so stressed in my life and used to be such an easy-going person.
Sorry this is very rambling and probably doesn't make much sense. If anybody has any advice for me I would be so grateful. Seems so many caring people on this forum, so desperate for support from people who have been there as well meaning friends give advice but don't really understand what it is like.
Sorry again for long-winded post. Hope you are still awake!
Thanks for taking time to read.
