I initiated my seperation..now I'm the bad guy

Hi Scuba,

I'm fairly new to Wiki but have found the site really ueful in many different aspects.

My ex husband and I had a very simular end to our marriage as you have described in yours. We are now 8 years post divorce and as I have described in my introduce me post we are now the very very best of friends. It took time to achieve this. We didn't hate each other but our marriage had changed and we were constantly hurting each other through silly disagreements but we kept giving it more time.

The pain we both felt when the reality hit that our marriage really had run its course is still with us both to this day, lets face it, who gets married hoping to be on this road how ever many years on? However, we talked and talked and talked and allowed each other to be angry (hard work) and forgave the hurtful comments that we exchanged, to be hurt and to be upset, the result is we now how a friendship which is far stronger than our marriage ever was.

It is very difficult to support your spouse through this process but all you can do is return to basics and remember the reasons why you are at this point. Sometimes the 'bad guy' needs to be identified as it's often the only way the other person can accept and make sense of what is happening to them, afterall, it wouldn't be happening if it was good!

My ex husband was certainly the 'bad guy', or so I thought, at the time, it was the only way I could justify our marriage ending. Today is a very different story ... I have a love for my ex husband that I would not have had if we had remained married, he is and always will be my best friend.

DC262

I agree with all of the above, having the courage to take decisive action in difficult situations is rewarded with being branded - "The Bad Guy".

daisychain262 wrote:

Hi Scuba,



It is very difficult to support your spouse through this process but all you can do is return to basics and remember the reasons why you are at this point. Sometimes the 'bad guy' needs to be identified as it's often the only way the other person can accept and make sense of what is happening to them, afterall, it wouldn't be happening if it was good!


DC262

Very wise words I think. I also think with everthing that happens in life, blame is something we don't like to accept, even if it's us who want the split, we like to think that in a little way the other party is to blame too, but often it's not, it's us that have changed and want something different. So as you said yourself scubafish, we have to suck it up and roll with the punches until it all dies down. I'm sure you're son with understand why you can't be there at the moment, why not write him a letter, or email if he has an email address and put your thoughts into words

Hi scuba

I'm discovering that trying to be amicable, to suck it up when I get ranted at, to ignore the hurtful sniping comments is a draining process, but one I'm prepared to go through to hopefully help her get over this stage with the least amount of misery (as opposed to total misery)in this first stage of loss. I am bracing myself for the 2nd stage - anger - yikes!

You sound like you have the best intentions to help her through it, and I suspect you are able to feel like that because you are years further down the road of emotional separation than she is. I might be able to offer a lttle bit of the view from her perspective.

Part of making that journey is shutting yourself off from your partner. There is a point when you must stop sharing and start to see your futures as separate. Looking back I think my stbx did this to me some years ago though he never said a word and blamed work stresses for his emotional distance.

I have been the one trying to shut off for the past 5 months and it is unbelievably hard. You are forced into making an emotional about-turn...from working to save your marriage, to working to save yourself. Strangely, the worst thing I have found is when my stbx tries to be kind or thoughtful, to me or anyone else, which makes my task of separating emotionally even more difficult, and believe me it is quite hard enough.

I do not want any amicable relationship, what ever the books say. I do want my anger to be permitted and validated and continued attempts at being friendly and amicable feels like my stbx has found another way to stop me venting my anger, as if I making quite a fuss over something that was long gone....well it wasn't long gone for me! It feels patronising, almost like he is a parent containing a tantrum until it blows over. I need him to feel rejected, just as I feel rejected. The anger has been unbelievably intense and powerful, but has also allowed me to break away and forge something new for myself.

Also, think too about why you want to help so much...from my perpsective (and it is only my view in my breakup), I feel that whenever my stbx "helps" he is trying to control me, disempower me, show his lack of respect for me as a person able to make it without him, and above all make himself feel better and assuage the guilt he is feeling..and I don't want him to feel better! I don't see it as he sees it at all, and that's why I don't appreciate the help and friendliness.

None of these feelings are very adult, but they are what I feel. Maybe some of them apply in your case?

finding x

hi finding...I think your post has really hit the nail on the head. I haven't managed to put myself in her position as you described. I thought I had, but I guess being a male emotional cripple my brain just didn't manage the sideways logic that allows a woman to be a woman ;-D

I know I am not trying to control her, at least not conciously, but I think you make the point very well. I am guilty. I am trying to help. I know she still loves me and I suspect when the anger comes that the current dialogue with her will change drastically. I don't know if anyone can truly stop loving someone, but they can certainly put many barriers up and try to hide/forget or ignore it.

I do hope I eventually manage to have a civil relationship, but I have to understand that this could be very unlikley...wow, how naive am I to have thought my help could be so hurtful.

Dasiychain's commentsgive me some hope though. All seperations and divorces are different - I have no idea how mine will pan out. Am seeing her for the first time in a month as I am flying back to the UK tomorrow for 3 days of seeing all the kids and discussing finances with her. Its going to be a long flight and an even longer weekend I suspect.

Scuba,

This weekend in another small step in the very long journey and will no doubt be full of emotions on both sides! Wiki friends will be here when you return and it's a great place to vent all frustrations!

Good luck

DC262

hi scuba

Don't be too hard on yourself...you are trying to apply logic to a situation where there is none. I am a logical person myself usually, but believe me this defies it.

As you will have seen from looking through the various threads, there are as many reactions and emotions as people. I don't know what your stbx is feeling, I suspect you don't and probably she doesn't either...writing my reply was the first time I had heard some of those things myself!!!Lol (actually, re-reading it I think it has been helpful for me, too)

I would say go slowly,just baby steps, she is most likely a long way behind.... She needs to feel whatever she is feeling; it will change hour on hour, be contradictory and you may be the both the first and the last person she wants support from in what is probably the worst time of her life. Without the pain she cannot make it through to the other side.

take care
finding