I initiated my seperation..now I'm the bad guy

Hi all,

where to start? Well this is my first posting and a few salient (not salacious) details I guess would help.

I'm British, 45, living & working in SE Asia. I moved here 6 months ago and hoped when my wife of 23 years moved out to join me that the rocky road we had been riding over the previous few years would smooth out and a fresh start could ensue. Foolish in hindsight I know, but a glimmer of hope still lingered in me. It didn't work out she returned home with the youngest of my 3 kids (the others have finished university and stayed in the UK).

Since I'm the one that instigated this I feel dreadful. I know its the best thing for me (selfish I know) and I didn't want her to be hurt anymore and for me to constantly make her life miserable. She is devastated by this seperation and despite my best attempts to be supportive as she finds a new house, I feel that I can do nothing right. In her position I would probably feel the same way.

How do I maintain any type of reasonable dialogue? I don't hate her, I just have fallen out of love after many years and feel we both need to move on. I know its unilateral and I deserve all I get, but I still want to ensure we remain good parents to our grown-up/growing kids and that she (who has not worked for the past 21 years) feels safe and secure financially.

Sorry the the long nature of this post..it could go on for ages....

i dont know what answers you are looking for with this post.....i think any one who intiates a divorce when the other party dont want one will be the bad guy...i am divorcing my husband after many unhappy years.....it is the best thing for me. and i thought for him.....he feels hes been poorly treated and hes angry...yet he has a mistress who he can now be with....
you can be as reasonable and supportive as you like....it wont stop her hurt...think you just have to live with that......just my thoughts scubafish

Hi Scubafish

I've just read your post and wanted to welcome you to Wiki.This is a very differcult time for both of you and you both need time to re-adjust.
You sound a caring, thoughtful person and the only advise I could give you is to just be as supportive as you can and reasure your wife as much as possible that things will work out for the best. I was with my ex for over 24yrs and the shock of the end of a marriage is the most painful thing to go through. For me things would have been alot easier and less painful if I'd had a bit of support from my ex (he went off with someone else) I like your wife I suspect are worried about the future, her world has been turned upside down (and yours too) and it's going to take time and patience.

Jenny

I sympathise, I also initiated the separation with myself and my ex-husband, and had sort of the same problem, which escalated when I started seeing someone else. He was quite happy plodding along with our marriage, and that's what happens with some marriages, one person is quite happy the way things are going, but the other is miserable, tries to carry on and fix things, but in the end you can't do it anymore. Subsequently you get all the blame, when you deside enough's enough. All I can say is, keep things amicable with your wife, stay friends as far as you can. She will be hurt for a long time, but hopefully she'll cope and move on eventually, as they say, time is a great healer. Good Luck with the rest of your life.

Hi Scubafish..

welcome to wiki...all kinds of situ's here...but everyone offers support and advice as best they can..

as one prev poster said you do sound a caring sort of chap, but she will be hurting and angry and going through all the emotions that are expected..

my advice to you, continue to try and be amicable...both of you will be better off for it in the end...

take care
daisy
xx

Hi Scubafish,

I am also new to wikivorce and your post resonated with me totally.

I am in pretty much the exact same situation, I have inititiated the seperation, because like you after 8 years of a largely love-less marriage I feel I have no other options for happiness than this.

I do not hate my wife, but the way she has reacted has not been good at all and in some ways validates my decision.

I have a 5-year old son who I adore and I feel that she would be prepared to use him to hurt me.

The stress of the thought of possibly losing my son has led me to stop eating and lose a lot of sleep. Like you I feel like I'm being labelled a bad guy, when all I really want is the opportunity to live my life, maybe in some minute happiness.

I'm am a very reasonable person (which is probably why we are where we are) and would like to settle this as amicably as possible but there seems no avenue for adult dialogue.

I wish you all the best in your situation and hopefully a good outcome all round.

Firstly thanks to all those who have replied to this topic so far. I'm not looking for sympathy, but need to have some external sanity check on my feelings and actions I think, now that I am pretty much alone (phone calls back to friends in Europe, even with pre-paid calling cards) can be expensive and the time zone differences aren't always convenient when I'm feeling desperate to talk!

I'm discovering that trying to be amicable, to suck it up when I get ranted at, to ignore the hurtful sniping comments is a draining process, but one I'm prepared to go through to hopefully help her get over this stage with the least amount of misery (as opposed to total misery)in this first stage of loss. I am bracing myself for the 2nd stage - anger - yikes!

What I have found is that as long as I keep focused on the real reasons I split up and think of what life will be like when this has had time to settle, then I can cope. Yet I still have strong feelings for her that ebb and flow - its horribly confusing, yet it must be part of the process of leaving her and 25years plus of relationship.

My son is now in the UK with her and that is hard - not being there physically for him. I am digging deep though and trying to communicate as much as one can with a teenage boy!

Anyway, as I ramble on here I realise I should do some work or there will be no paycheck for anyone...