Mixed feelings

Hi I am new to all this and it seems a bit strange as I now know that chat rooms seemed to be the thing for my stbex. We were together 17 years and married for 11 of those. We have three daughters the oldest being nine. Looking back we have always had a stormy relationship and now it is hard to remember the good times through all the lies that I now know have been told to me. I had put off our separation for approx three years believing him every time he said he would change and make more effort to be part of our family. When the actual decision was made I actually called his bluff, he asked for a sum of money and I said deal and before we knew it we were talking amicably and emotionally about a divorce. We both said we still loved each other but knew things could not continue and that it would be the best thing all round, for him,me and the girls.
However, this was to prove not that easy! Why was I so nieve.
His drinking intensified (it has been getting steadily worse for a couple of years) he was passing out all over the place, hiding bottles etc... He stopped spending time with the girls and worst I found out he was now chatting with other women on the internet and even meeting up with an old female friend texting her etc... the list is endless. All this makes me feel that our whole marriage has been one big lie of him doing and saying two completly different things. I think this is why I am confused as I don't know what is real or not and in fact if he ever really loved me or if it was just easier to stay with me, after all I have always done everything for the children without question, not to mention managing the family home and income. I just feel that I now need to move on and deal with things. I am relieved he has gone but just wish he would admit and take responsibility for his role in all of this. Aaaahhhhhhhhh Well that some of my story!

hi Angel Imp

When I found out things were not as they seemed and that there was a web of lies covering just about every aspect of out life together, I too started to feel unsure about the whole history of our long marriage. I think this is normal, and one of the hardest things is going to be accepting that there are going to be some things I will never know the truth of.

This is all part of the healing process, trying to make sense where there is none. I want to learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them, but it's not easy knowing what they were in the circumstances. All I know is I will find it difficult to trust my own judgement in future.

After a while the future will start to occupy your thoughts more than making sense of the past. And what you think he believes about his responsibility in all this will be in your past too.

Take each day as it comes,

finding x