Current Problems

Hello I am new to this and would like to introduce myself to the forum.
I have been married for nearly 25 years now and always thought that the relationship would be for eternity. The marriage was very strong and I thought we were both sole mates.
I am not a person of a jealous nature and I have always trusted my wife more than anyone else. All this changed though about 4 years ago when my instinct told me that something was not right between us. She became distant and her attention toward me slowly decreased. Way back then and many times since I have bought this up in conversation and suggested we do something about it like go out together more often etc. This never really materialised and the distance between us seemed to grow further.
A lot has happened since then and I have been through some really bad times. She started to talk a lot about a certain male friend and some of the details made me feel suspicious for the first time ever in my life. To cut it short, my suspicions slowly became confirmed and I went into total shock. This lead to depression and my world seemed to be at an end.
She denied everything and had an excuse for all the goings on. She has always had a way with words and she could convince me to believe that black is blue. Whilst in deep depression, I confronted her in entirely the wrong attitude and basically told her that our marriage was over. After cooling off we both talked like adults and decided to give it another go. Time passed but the pain and thoughts going around in my head would not go away. The pressure of this lead to another huge row but this time we both agreed that we needed time apart. It's been 4 months now and I still can't get my head around what has happened. At first I thought that if I could get her to own up to what she has done then there could be a chance that we could draw a line underneath and start again but she can't see what she has done wrong even though the evidence is staring her in the face.
I am so confused, if it were possible I would really like the marriage to continue but I don't know if I can trust her anymore and I feel that I don't know who she is. I am convinced that she has a plan to persuade me to agree that our marriage will end amicably. This would suit her fine, 50/50 split on agreed terms including my inheritance money, no solicitors fees and her wish for us to stay as good friends.
Since separating she has made no effort to patch things up. We talk on the phone, go out for the odd meals but she is not ready to talk about our relationship. The last time I bought it up she said I was pressuring her.
Currently, she is in our marital home and I have moved out but at the moment I am still contributing to 50% of all bills. I feel that she is taking me for a ride but I am scared about the future. Hence my username MrSofty.

Hi ther
welcome to Wiki

you will find endless help and support here whatever you both decide.

The whole process of splitting up and divorce is a rollercoater ride of every emotion there is , feeling scared about the future is quite normal , read a few posts on here and you will see what people are dealing with

Good luck to you , I hope if you do decide on divorce that you can manage to do it amicably .

Shiny

Hello Mr Softy
I am sorry that you find yourself in the position of needing support here, but hope that you will find helpful advice and support to make sense of your situation for yourself.

I read your post with a sense of déjà vu having also been in a long 24 year marriage where I trusted completely. It is very difficult to comprehend that you can be with someone so long, share so much together and yet feel this is someone you don’t know at all. Somewhere along the way, my stbx changed the ground rules without telling me, and had been playing by a different set of values (which only applied to him, you understand) for some years. I can only say that after such a long time together my intuitions have almost always proved correct, despite my desperation to be wrong, and even though I couldn’t believe what I was discovering about him.

Do you think she is still in a relationship with him? I’m sure it is not what you want to hear but it looks that way to me, and that she is biding her time. Why would she want to discuss changing anything if she has it all right now?

Maybe now is the time to think about how you would go about building a new life without her. At the very least it might enable you to discuss the future of your relationship without feeling so needy and disempowered.

I hope you find some answers

finding

Thank you for your advice shiny.
I can't see it being amicable at the moment. I doubt that she will agree to split the money in her private account that she doesn't think I know about!

softy

Hello findingmyself,
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry to here about your similar situation but in a strange way it is comforting to know I am not on my own.
You took the thoughts straight out if my head with your end comments.
I don't think the relationship is still ongoing but I would not be surprised if she has plans to re-start it sometime in the future and you are correct, I think she is in a very good situation at the moment.
She claims that she has spoken to no one about our problems and she refuses to get help. She expects me to keep our problems to myself to but I cannot live day to day not being able to talk to someone about it.

softy

Hi There

Actually Mr Softy I dont think I know of anyone whos had an amicable divorce ( especially if financial issues) but you can always hope I suppose!! I have the same issue with my stbx an his " secret stash" of thousands he managed to squirrel away during our marriage !! He will definately not want to share that or anything he considers "his" .

My stbx wanted to keep everything quite too, says its private etc but I need to talk to people to help me come to terms with whats happenend ,he doesnt feel need to talk cos hes already sorted in his own mind what he wants to do and Im still left struggling with it all . I really dont care now what he wants , am trying to look after myself , thats what you need to do now , look after yourself .

shiny