introducing myself

hi , god this feels weird writing to cyberspace but i desparately need connection with others who are going or have been through this. was having a really good summer had problems in 15 year relationship but thought we were going to work our way through, felt that we had grown distant, he had been working away 4 nights a week, have brought up 4 children together 2 his 2 mine, was difficult at times merging families but the boys all called each otther brothers. anyway i got back from ten days away we had great family barbeque and then the next day he told me it was all over we had in his words had 12 good years 4 bad ones , had no shared friends, no shared interests and no relationship. i immediately grasped the text messages he had been getting, which was unusual and said there is someone else isnt there, he said oh well yes but it only just started and would have happened at some time, then told me the deal on the house. he then said he would carry on staying occasionally at weekends, i went into shock, this was eight weeks ago. have not seen him since, dealing with affairs by e mail. have to sell the home which i am living in just now so all in limbo just about coping with work, keep crying, no energy, just feel completely hopeless. people keep telling me it will pass. usually i cope with everything but this is horrible, cant sleep, dont want to wake cant see any future, miss him like bad but also hate him and this new woman. he is completely detached and reasonable i feel wrecked and defeated dont want to feel like this at all.

dear Rhiannon

I am so so sorry for how much pain you are in at the moment.

I had a similar situation - he announced he was unhappy (on Valentines) and 1 week later it was over.
He said no one else involved but founf out night we told the kids he had been texting a "friend" He admitted an affair then denied it then said nothing happend but he wanted it too.

Anyway I know how you feel. You are so confused and hurt and rejected and wondering about the future and frightened at the same time.

Have you thought about counselling, it really helped me. Relate see individuals.

Yes it will pass - but dont try too hard or beat yourself up about your feelings. You need to feel them in order to understand yourself and what happened - even if you cant.

You will go through the stages - sounds clinical but true, hurt, sadness, anger, guilt acceptance etc. But it is eraly days for yourself.

Hope you have someone you can dump on when you just need to say WHY and get angry about him with. If not Wiki is great and chat is good too.

Take each day as it comes in the beginging I woulod have one good day then one bad - now i have less bad and more good. (6 months since he left - 7 since he said he was unhappy)

i hope your kids are ok too.(as much as they can be in this hurtful time)

try to do something nice for yourself every day, find someting nice, and dont beat yourself up for not being happy. However be careful that it does not slip into depression - maybe speak to your doctor - so if you need support further down the line then they know.

please take care of yourself - and I remember feeling supported and yet sad that there are so many on Wiki who have all these same feelings - I keep imagining all the unhappy people in the same voat as me all over the country, and although the situations and stories are all different the feelings are the same.

I took some strenght from that and reading others stories.

PLEASE PLEASE look after yourelf and keep on Wikki it has and is helping me.

((((HUGS)))

JO
xx

thank you jo, yes i guess the worst beating im doing is what i did not do over the last year, was busy doing my own thing which was good for me in that it helped me gain confidence = for a while anyway, seems to have deserted me now = but then he had been away building his glittering career, - i have always worked full time but he earnt three times and i had a good lifestyle with him and good social life, but he has pulled the plug on all that - like ok im finished with you now - but still beating myself for not putting enough effort into the relationship, though had tried to talk and see what we could do all he would say was - oh we are drifting apart but seemed fine with that, i asked him if he had any emotions and he said the emotions were the easy part, finances were more difficult and that he had not loved me for four and a half years, only as a friend and that they only thing our relationship had was a house - my youngest son went to uni last sunday, i took him was awful coming home and having no one to hug. my eldest son is still had home thank goodness but is saving to go travelling - he will og in the spring i think. im hoping that by then i will know where i will be living , not sure whether to stay in the town where i have lived for 20 years, so many memories and ghosts , or whether to move back to devon whee i lived in my twenties. i am 51 years old and just feel that my life is over i can not imagine having another intimate relationship, over the hill and all that. i split up with my boys dad in my early thirties, that was hard but i could still find hope and excitement, now i just feel beaten. dr prescribed me some anti d's but i read the side effects and talked to a friend in mental health who said that this particular one can turn you into a zombie, i have always been fiery, passionate and resourceful and dont know the person i am now, drowning day in and day out in a bucked of tears.

your words give me hope, this is two months for me and you are on 6 months, did you have to move house etc. i have a reasonably good job which will help me get a mortgate and i will have some collateral from the house but it feels that my dreams have been broken and the idea of shwoing people round my home, selling it , dividing stuff , finding a new home, where etc, all feels insurmountable, i have never felt incapable before and taht is what is so difficult. also i felt me and him had a really strong bond which is now gone, if ever there, he treats me like an ex business partner and whats more is patronisly kind - telling me this is so we both can grow, how he has heartfelt best wishes for my future, and telling me that he had terminated our relationship at the earliest possible moment after commencing his new relationship in keeping with our agreement - for monogomy, we were not married living together for 15 years though. such a big hole, cannot sleep in our bed, have been camping in the living room where i can light a fire. always always i have had dreams and plans, many of which have manifested and now nothing, sorry to rant, i just need to put it somewhere. have lots of friends who are being lovely but i am scared they will get fed up with me, bit like a death when everyone rallies round for the first weeks and then when the grief hits the fan people are thinking you are over the worst. it is good though awful as you say to link in with others and it is hopeful to hear people say they know the space and that they are moving through it.

thank you again r.

You are not alone. There are so many of us here on wiki who have had similar experiences. It will get better, but in the meantime you need to take care of yourself and be selfish. Get all the help you can from friends and family. I did not sleep or eat for 3 weeks after I found out about my husbands affair. The shock was immense. I had to take sedatives. The deceit was so unexpected. The lies continue now 6 months later. I NEVER though this person would do such a thing to me.
Remember he is many weeks, months if not years ahead of you. My husband said 'WE' had not been happy for 2 years?!? Not that I was aware of.
Depressive thoughts easily 'spiral' down and out of control, so when you are thinking like this, especially at night, it is important to get up and read a book, watch tv etc. Try and keep yourself busy to distract yourself.

have you had legal advice about the house? Contact the Wiki lawyers. My husband got legal advice 2 weeks after our split - that was when I new it was over.