Just got here, having relationship trouble

Hello, everyone. I probably shouldn't be here as I am not in the process of a divorce and if all goes according to plan I never will be, but I am in the middle of a trouble spot with my wife and I feel like I need somewhere to talk about it.

Here are the basics (I'll save the specifics for a different thread): I'm a 30-year-old father of two whose 8-year-marriage nearly ended when my wife confessed to infidelity. We tried to keep going but ended up seperating and stayed that way for about 3 months, though truth be known, my wife had moved out of the house in all but name well before she officially moved.

Now we're back together but the hurts have not all healed and I am still not sure I like some of the things she is still doing. So, here I am. I don't know what I expect to find here, but I have to be able to get it all off my chest.

Hi Red,

I think you need to ask yourself whether you still love your wife and want to try and rebuild marriage. If you do then you need to try to find out if she wants the same. In doing this you both need to be honest with each other, in this situation the temptation is to lie as it is easier....I know because this is what happened with me, as my wife said she wanted to give the marriage a try because she felt it was too difficult to be honest. In the end this made the actual end of the marriage even harder.

Bear in mind that you both need to be totally committed to the marriage, it's no good if just one of you is.

Good luck, and remember to keep posting if you need to get things of your chest

Steve

Hi BigRed, welcome to Wikki. Its always difficultt o carry on a relationship after one partner has been unfaithful, the trust usually goes & the unfaithful partner needs to work hard to restore it again. Have you tried Relate? I think you need to discuss how you feel & try to reach a solution so that you get somewhere near to being like you were again!
Good luck,
Cindy

Hi BigRed,

Sven hit the nail bang on the head. Honesty. WIthout honesty, there can be no trust. Without trust, you are never going to feel comfortable. Trust cannot simply be given. It has to be earned.

In any relationship, both parties have to trust each other. It sounds like that trust is lacking a little at the moment. After infidelity, who could blame you?

But what will give you the confidence to trust implicitly again? If you fully understood why she strayed in the first place.

It will be very uncomfortable for both of you to explore these issues deeply, which is why a counseling service like Relate the Cindy suggests is a huge benefit to you.

You get to sit down and really get the cards on the table with a 3rd party guiding you both and directing your thoughts. Not easy, not for the faint hearted, because nobody likes the hear the bald truth, warts and all. But until that bald truth is exposed, it is near impossible for you to genuinely trust each other.

Infidelity can be caused by so many things. Insecurity, dissatisfaction, lack of attention, low self-esteem, boredom, lust, even a 'cry for help'.

Until you get to the bottom of how it came about and feel able to correct whatever it was that caused it, you will find trust difficult.

You are very welcome here at Wikivorce. If just one marriage can be saved from the combined experience of so many other people's personal misery, then it makes the site worth its weight in gold.

Wish you the best of luck. Time, patience and committment are needed in abundance.

Mike

Hi there, I agree with all the posters, it's the trust thing. You said you don't like some of the things she's doing, do you mean she's still going out on a night like she did before, and you think it's going to happen again? Or is it something else?