1, 2, 3... you're out!!!!

Hi all...

After 8 yrs of marriage i decided to call it a day.

Things started to go bad for us about 18 months ago and for the past 6 months I've been cheated on at least 2 times (that i know of) plus a string of lies and deception because he always kept sayig he wasn't gonna give up on us.
All along he knew he wasn't going to try at all because there's someone else on his mind.

I believe people deserve a chance because if i made a mistake i would like to be given another chance as well. But also with me it's like this : 3 strikes and you are out!

He knew what would happen if he betrayed my trust again and sadly he went and did it again, for the last time. I'm talking about a man who everyone we know regarded as a loving husband and a wonderful dad and a great person. (yeah right!!!)

Now I'm on a predicament because my family lives abroad and i know they will be very supportive if i decided to leave the UK with the kids. He is very aware that this could happen because we talked about it the first time i was cheated on... I would not stop him having contact with the kids and if he really wants then he'll have to work his ass off to be able to travel half way around the world to see them. Also miving abroad will affect child support, etc and i need to get all the facts about that.

On the other hand he's their dad, despite the way he treated me, and by staying in the UK they would be able to have regular contact with their daddy, stay at school, etc. But that means i have to see him with his new squeeze, and it'll be unbearable. And having to allow the kids to be in her company when they visit their dad. Also I wouldn't have my family to support me, although his parents are 100% with me for the kids sake.


WE want this to be as amicable as possible and hopefully to remain friends. So far the plan is for him to stay at home to save money, and if we really cannot manage then he'll move to his parents. I will not have him paying rent and thus enabling him to move the tart in as well using the kid's money.

Funny thing is that although it is a very sad situation we are talking more than when we were 'fine' and really want for things to end up well, no fighting, no bitching, no plotting.

So if anyone would like to give me some word of wisdom, please do.

Thank you

Hallo and welcome

This is how I view things, please ignore if no use.
Your children should be the most important part of this. You don't say how old they are, but having parents split up is quite an upheaval, without having to get used to another country, climate, schools, home, friends etc and the loss of regular contact with a parent.

You don't have to see your husband's new squeeze if you don't want to. I can't see that you and husband can stay under the same roof and remain friends when he is seeing someone else though.

Separation and divorce bring up an earthquake of emotions and they change.

My husband and I separated 3 months ago and he went to live with another woman and her kids. This made me very angry although our marriage was over and I couldn't bear the thought of my kids going to the house.
What complicated things is that our 16 year old son dropped out of 6th form and chose to see previous careers counsellor who is husband's new squeeze. I don't like this, but overriding concern was son and his needs, so I just didn't think about it too closely.

Husband comes round and wants to act as though we are chums. Yes, we have a long 31 years of shared history and mutual friends, interests etc, and yes I want to be civilised, but I don't want to hear what a great weekend he's just had when I've been dealing with stroppy teenagers and catching up on housework!

Neither of my sons have shown any interest in going to new place and meeting new family, but I wouldn't stand in their way if they did as ultimately their relationship with their father is their concern and they are old enough to make their own arrangements about it.

Don't rush into any decisions, you will probably feel differently about things in a few days.

Thank you...

I have 2 kids: boy of 3 and girl of 6. I realise the hell we're gonna put them through by getting a divorce. I do not want this but i cannot afford to give him one more chance when he is not sure who he wants: his wife of 8 yrs of the tart of just 3 months...

Not only that, the money is a big big issue and I guess divorces cost a lot of money.

We started to go to counselling 2 weeks ago because he was depressed (and at the time i didn't know about the other woman) and today was our 2nd appointment and as everything came crumbling down last saturday, he said he wouldn't go cause there was no point. I wanted to go even on my own because it could help me. I'm walking out of the door and then he asks if i want him to go too... i said yes... the counsellor kicked his ass and wag her finger at him.

One of the things she said to him is that she's never seen 2 people who love each other so ready to jump off this huge cliff and drag the kids with them. She told him it wouldn't work with the other woman because he'd realise when he moves in with her what life is really like, he'll know the real her... That at the moment she's something new and exciting because it's a forbidden relationship. But that'll wear off soon when reality sets in. Personally I had the same opinion and I'm glad she said it, not me.

She asked him to think carefully what he was about to give up for the sake of someone he's known 5 minutes.

I said that before knowing about the woman, i truly believed he's depressed and i was doing everything in my power to help him, not forcing him but gving him space, finding resources, advice, the lot! He insist he's depressed, but now we know why: because he's being pulled in two directions and he is confused.

The counsellor told him that he needed to get a grip, that he knows what to do, he just doesn't want to face making that decision.

I made the decision of getting divorced and he says he didn't have a say in it... he did when he decided to get involved with this random woman because he knew it was his last chance.

I'm a bloody good wife and mother. I am now scared of the effect it's gonna have on the kids, on me, on our finances.

I'm torn apart... If we stayed together, would i be weak? If we divorce, would i be a bad mum? I dont know.

Finally the counsellor asked us to think very carefully what we want to do. She scared me. And he said he's really scared too...

Got back home and had a long chat with him and i told him that if he really loved me and the kids he'd need to work bloody hard to prove himself. I'm still not saying let's get back because it's up to him, and I'm praying so hard to God that he makes the right decision.

Would he rather break mine and the kids hearts than hers? If she is suffering in her relationship is not my problem and it shouldn't be his problem either. Maybe he can't bear to tell her he really wants us, specially now that she's told her husband about the affair (I'd be laughing though...) I couldn't care less and she should've known better.

So much i want to type in.. but you get the idea of my predicament.

Have a great day...

Hi, welcome to Wikki. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this, affairs are so hard to come to terms with, my stbx has been having one a long time too.
If he has done this before don't you think he will do it again? He obviously isn't learning that in marriage you have a commitment to each other to stay away from the opposite sex! If i got back with my stbx I would never trust him again, i tried it last xmas when he said he had given her up but he hadn't all. He just covered his tracks more carefully!
I wish you well & hope he sees sense & truly gives her up, but he has to stop all contact with her for it to work out again.
Hope this helps a little,
Cindy