Coming to terms with the end of a marriage

Dear Wee Kate

I know it must sound very weird that my husband is unable to look after his 2yr old, but he is! He has never ever looked after her on his own. I don't think he would cope. I have said that he needs to start having her at weekends & overnight, but can never really imagine this happening.

I'm not sure if he is really loved up with this new woman or perhaps he is just trying to wind me up, lets just say he goes into detail about how great their sex life is etc. Do you think he is trying to hard to convince me, maybe he is just trying to convince himself!

The other day he asked me if I missed him and I ignored him as I thought he was talking to our daughter but when he repeated it, I admitted that I did miss him (because I'm too blimming honest) and maybe in the hope that he would admit to missing me - he didn't! Like I said on the other post I'm not sure that I would even think about getting back with him if he wasn't with this other woman. When we first split up he was round my flat all the time and I wasn't at all fussed, but at that time it just felt like I was on holiday!

Dear sky1

It's good to hear some inspirational words, such as yours. I'm sure I will meet a new man when the time is right, who like you said will be 10 times the man he was and I'll probably look back & realise just how unhappy I was.

I'm glad you are now happy and have moved on, it does make me realise there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I won't feel like this forever

Thanks x

Welcome Beccyboo

Coming to terms with the end of a marriage is a long, painful process. You are mourning the loss of your marriage, the life you used to have when you were happy and the future you had imagined.

Your husband is on the other hand telling you what a fab time he is having.

My situation - my marriage was dead on its feet, really, but I couldn't leave as I have 2 teenage sons and no money. I asked husband to leave and he refused to go. Last year the atmosphere at home was awful. March this year I again brought up the suggestion of separation and he agreed. I felt relief.

But we decided - rightly or wrongly - to keep things as they were until elder son had done GCSEs.

May husband confessed what I'd begun to suspect, though it was still a shock to me, that he'd met someone else.

I don't have any animosity towards her, but I was furious with him. How dare he just shrug off 31 years together, while I was feeling so hurt? And he didn't have the decency to move out when he met her - he wanted to make sure he could move in with her before he decided we were finished.

Then he began to come back to get things etc and wanted to tell me - in front of our 14 year old - what a great time he was having with new woman and her children!!!!

I soon decided for the sake of my sanity to tell him that I didn't want to see him unless absolutely necessary and I didn't want to hear about what he'd been doing. Nor did I want to tell him what I'd been doing as it was no longer any of his business.

I think you need to sort out something similar. It's ridiculous that he can't look after his daughter. What would happen if you had to go to hospital? And if he really does need someone with him perhaps you could suggest a friend or relative. I don't think it helps you at all to be with him. He's probably enjoying pretending you are a family together whilst also having a good time with new woman. There seem to be a lot of men like this. It's possibly a way of avoiding feeling guilty, but I think its pathetic.

Things will get better, but its impossible to just shrug off a relationship, it takes time.

Counselling will probably help. I've been seeing a counsellor for about 3 months now and I've found it very helpful in sorting out my feelings and regaining a sense of control.

Hello beccyboo

"He drinks a lot ... has quite a temper".

These words show that your instinct to remove yourself and your child from the house and make a home elsewhere was absolutely right. His new female interest is the one to feel sorry for ... she and whoever replaces her (it will be lots of women, one after another) is now in his line of fire. His behaviour is not going to change just because he has someone new. The thing is, someone new becomes someone not so new very quickly indeed. And it is the newness, the novelty, that he wants.

People who "drink a lot" are always trying to recreate the mythical buzz of that very first drink. People who move from one partner to another are always trying to recreate the first weeks of new love, the short period when the new partner thinks the sun shines out of their ... well, you fill in the appropriate opening, lol.

For "quite a temper", look at it as the outward expression of his self-loathing. Bragging about great sex with someone new? That is playground spite in action. He's deeply insecure, so he has to rid himself of that uncomfortable feeling by dragging you down with spiteful words. He feels bad about himself. The only cure is to make you feel even worse about yourself. Beccyboo, see the behaviour for what it is and be grateful, grateful, that you are not like that.

This is a horrible time for you, but you are young and blessed with a good, honest heart and a healthy gut instinct to see that your early escape from a toxic relationship is the only way forward. I agree that we reap what we sow, but look at like this. If the crop wasn't all that great this season, well, in six months' time it will be spring again. The seasons change and you can use this "10-year season" at the start of your adult life as the one which taught you how to be the good farmer of your own destiny.

Take care and keep posting. Sending hugs.

livewire

Hi beccyboo,

Sorry to hear your story. I think what has ben posted in previous replies is spot on - he's just doing this to make you feel bad. Don't put up with it - you don't need to hear what he has to say. But take it for what it is - an insecure man bragging about a rebound relationship just to hurt you. I know you feel down at the moment, but that will pass. Lean on your friends as much as you can, try to focus on maikng what you want of the future and keep coming back toi wiki for chats and advice.

Take care

Sun