Coming to terms with the end of a marriage

After approximately a year of having doubts about our relationship, I decided to end it with my husband. We had been together for 9yrs (married for 3 of them). I felt so guilty about the whole thing that I said I would move into rented accomodation (a 2 bed flat) even though we have a 2yr old together who I look after. After leaving our family home (a jointly owned 4 bed detached) back in July. My husband begged me to come back and got me to agree that it would be just a temporary seperation period. Approximately a week after moving out. My husband met someone else and has now decided that he has moved on, even though we had discussed attending councelling etc. He is very full on with this new woman and she has even met his parents several times. At first I thought he was just doing it to wind me up, but I think he does really like her. He keeps telling me how wonderful she is etc and how they get on really well. I have now found out that she is pretty much living in my old house, which I'm not too happy about but I don't feel like there is much I can do. About 2-3wks after moving out of the family home, I returned to my old house to collect some stuff and found this other woman's slippers in my old bedroom. I went mental and cut them up! After this event my husband changed the locks & said that I couldn't be trusted in the house alone. Does he have the right to do this and can I do anything about this new woman living in my old house? The house is now on the market to be sold.

I've also felt quite down lately and do get jealous of this new woman in his life. I do still love my husband and I do miss him, but I know we aren't right together. He drinks alot, has quite a temper and has never looked after our child on his own once. Even now if he wants to see our daughter, I have to come out with them as well, as he feels incapable of looking after her by himself. The new woman in his life hates me since I cut up her slippers and gets very jealous of him seeing me at all (I don't think she knows he can't look after his daughter on his own, as he never admits taking me out with them).

I guess I'm just after some friendly advice, sorry about the essay, but I think I have bored my friends & family senseless with all my whinging!

Ok you are now reaping what you sew. Its a risk leaving someone and you ended it so he has the moral high ground. But you have to accept why its over and keep looking at the reasons and stick to them. I would still go to counselling. Just on yr own as he wont want to go as he is loved up. Counselling should highlite on why you did this. Try and learn the lessons. And put these into practice next time. No one is perfect.

Yes she can come and stay in yr home. She is a guest of your ex and becuase he has given her access its lawful. Thats the trap I fell into with my ex. She moved her BF in while I was there and I couldnt do anything about it apart from leave and thats what I did. I cant say it was easy and I got my nose good and properly rubbed in it. I never ended it though. She did by having an affair and make life hard for me. But thats life.

You shouldnt have cut her slippers up. But I can understand why you did it. It could be criminal damage and she could pursue you for it. But I think that is unlikely. But they could pile a load of ficticous stuff on top (nails in tyres, scratched cars, brick thru window and eggs thrown at house etc) and becuase you have a single admision (and you would have to admit the slippers incident) you may have a non molestation case against you and possibly an occupation order as well. That will mean that you cant go to your own property. Not good is it?

So please dont do it again. Its not worth it.

But cutting the slippers up shows that you care. And this is the wrong message. I know its hard but you must refrain from doing any criminal damage. Its also a bit childish. But I can understand how hurt and angry you feel. I would feel the same.

At the end of the day. Your ex moved quickly to fill your shoes and that is moraly a bad thing. He should have waited until you were divorced and he could then seek the company of another. He is rubbing your nose in it. Which is a bit childish. But as I said up above. No one is perfect. But its wrong all the same. But thats just my view. Hope you are ok. C.

Dear C,

Thank you for responding to my previous post. It is helpful to know that other people have also experienced the same feelings of hurt etc that I am going through. Although I am aware that there are a lot of other people on here (like yourself) who have been cheated on and therefore probably feel a lot worse than I do as it wasn't something they chose.

I made my bed and now I must lie in it, which I am desperately trying to do. I think I have to just remain focused on the future and know that in time, things will get better.. eventually.

I'm not sure how long ago it was that you split from your other half, however I hope that you are on the road to recovery, even if you haven't yet reached the end yet.

Thanks again, it does make you feel better to be able to talk about it.

Hi Beccyboo, welcome to Wikki. Its a sad situation you've found yourself in, but i dont blame you entirely for this. You moved out as you weren't getting on & agreed counselling to try to work things out. He suddenly decides to get a new woman without telling you that he is looking for one & has given up on your marriage! Of course you feel sad, angry, betrayed & jealous, anyone would, you didnt know it was coming!!!
I think you have to try to remember the bad things about him & why you were so unhappy. He wont change, he might be putting on an act right now to keep this woman but he will return to hi old self very soon & she will suffer just as you did!!!
As for cutting her slippers? lol i might have done the same! But changing the locks? If the house is in both names surely he cant do that?
Keep posting, we will try to get you through this. You have a lot going for you without realising it. The worlds your oyster & you cant be very old to have a young child. Your turn will come to meet someone nice thats right for you!!
Time is a great healer, just look after yourself & your child right now,
Cindy

I'm not too sure he has moved on. Why do you "have" to go with him when he sees his child. 2 yrs old is not a baby. He can look after his child. he asks you for a reason and is full on for a reason and tells you all about it for a reason!!!

You, meanwhile, have to decide what you really want - the man or the life you think you are missing out on.

oh beccyboo,
How awful for you, cindygirl is right but it's not ok is it?
I hope you will move on and find someone to cherish you properly.
My stbx left me after admitting to a sring of affairs. It broke my bloody heart but now I have found someone who would make 10 of him. Altho I think my marriage breakdown was a terrible waste i sincerly wish it worked i am so damned pleased it hasn't (how confusing is that?) I'm particulary angry at his lack of control he has as a father altho he tries hard. And it breaks my heart to see him playing with our daughter.
Go to councelling on your own and build yourself up the rest will fall into place xx

Dear Cindy

Thank you for your kind words, it's nice to know someone is listening. Yes the house is in joint names, so I'm not sure that he can change the locks without giving me a new set, however I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow so I will check with him.

I do try and focus on the things that weren't right in our marriage, but why does that longing always take over! I knew before I left I would feel like this and kept saying to myself that I must remember all the bad things, but it's strange how your mind works!

I have just turned 28 so I know that I am still young another to move on etc. I wonder if I would feel so low if he didn't have another woman???