Its all going on

Hi my name is Melissa and i am 23. I married my husband in 2006 and I have started divorce proceedings.

My husband became too controlling with agressive and then (final straw) violent outbursts. Of course this is all denied and it has become very messy and complicated.

We have a little girl who is 20 months old. She lives with me and through all of this is very well.

Finacially he has left me with nothing. He is not paying towards a single thing including the joint mortgage and nursery fees.

I dont think there is anything else to add. Apart from I am on an emotional rollercoaster that I can't slow down or get off of.

Hi Melissa,

Welcome to wiki!

Lots of good advice here for your emotional and financial survival and recovery.

In the first instance, you could call the number at the top of the page for some advice. There are proceedures you can take (applications for spousal and child support) etc; and get interim payments made prior to any Divorce settlement.

His refusal to pay often goes hand-in-hand with the abusive, aggressive and CONTROLLING behaviour he has already exhibited. Control over finances is a form of recognised abuse.

luckilly there are Laws in place to ensure otherwise.

Hey there Sera.

Emotionally I am much stronger. It has been 6 weeks since the initial separation. I have bad, good and limbo days. Today is a good day.

I have felt it necessary to change the locks in my house yesterday as he removed everything of any decent value apart from the larger appliances. Imagine my shock when my dyson was not there on Saturday night!

I just dont want my daughter to suffer anymore than she has too.

..... just stay strong for your daughter; and you'll get through. You are young! You have your lefe ahead of you; and you'll live to tell another tale (hopefully a better one)

... now are your more bereft at him gone? or the Dyson?

I miss him of course. However, I dont miss the tension the constant agression at the TV, PC or anything else that wouldn't go his way.

I am hurt more than anything that he has removed everything from the house and the fact then when i asked him' Strange question... but have you taken the hoover. I don't mind if you have but I would like to know'. He told me he hadn't. However the guarantees & spares are also missing and we are the only ones with keys.

I am sick to death of the mind games. One minute he won't let me leave the house. The next he screams insults at me in the street. Then he trying to commit suicide (although he did call the ambulance hiomself when I didn't come running). Then he is begging on the floor. Then he is trying to strangle me, throwing drink in my face....

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger- I must have elephant strength by now!

Melissa.Wales wrote:

Then he trying to commit suicide

...tell him to pull the Dyson cord tighter next time!

Seriously though; Domestic Violence support officers understand the actions of a Control Freak. Threatening suicide is very common; and yet again is one more aspect of intimidation.

He's pressed his own self-destruct button, and like my ex; has destroyed the relationship with the one person in his life that could genuinly have helped him.

I miss the good times; I know he does. I know that because his new girlfriend tells me he's still in love with me and talks about me.

However, you do need to stay in a sane place for your well-being and your daughters sanity. I'm glad you have the strength to understand this; otherwise his illness will make you ill.

By removing the furnishings; he's making your life uncomfortable; and again - this is controlling behaviour. In marriage - he has no right to assume anything is automatically HIS. (My ex went as far as ripping the speakers off the wall; stating I had no right to enjoy music in HIS house, disconnecting the Gas and Electricity; because I had no right to heat and light...etc; etc;etc).All this when he was DRUNK!

In the sober light of day; I got the begging. I think you have to really detach from his behaviour; and if this takes a non-molestation Order - then go for it.

There's no trying to justify why he's taken things; it's just done to inconvenience you. Keep a dated list of everything he's doing; however small. and when it does come to a financial settlement; maybe you ask for extra to provide the basic household needs you have to replace the ones he's removed.

If his behaviour becomes threatening; call the police.

Melissa,

It is early days but he is showing you how it is potentially going to be.
To be prepared please
- note all the items he has taken.
- Start a diary and remember to record all incidents of verbal or physical intimidation.
- If the verbal abuse escalates buy a recorder to tape any incidents.
- note all contact with the child

Remember that courts will probably not look favourably on husbands who do not provide financially for the child or the mother - especially when the child is so small.

People do awful things in divorce and it gets worse when lawyers and courts are involved. People get greedy, the anger increases. Protect yourself and get legal advice.
Before starting any legal processes though it is worth trying marriage counselling. If this does not work try to force him to go to mediation to resolve the divorce outside of the courts.

Note: Not sure of the legalities but if it is a joint mortgage and his name is on it, the debt is both of yours and he should have to pay his share legally.

Take care

Yummy