The next big step- extremely long story, sorry !!

Hi everyone

I am starting to get a sick feeling in my stomach, I am finally going to see a solicitor on Tuesday to start divorce proceedings.
I was married in '86 to a man 8years older than me, we moved abroad as he was in the Army and proceeded to have 5 children in 7 years. He had complete control over me as we were away from friends and family, if he told me black was white then I believed him as had no other input. I went through a phase of being very low, wouldn't go out as didn't think I was good enough to be seen out with him. Once when I was depressed he told me that my children would be taken away from me and I would be locked up. So that just made me not tell him if I was on antidepressants.
When we moved back to the UK 13 years ago, I found myself a job stacking shelves at night in a supermarket, it meant I started getting my identity back, he absolutely hated it, apart from anything else, "working in a supermarket" was not good enough, I wasn't allowed to go out with friends as he would assume I was looking for men, he couldn't imagine that you can actually go out without jumping on the first male you dare to talk to. Even if we went out with friends (rare, as he was not sociable) I would get into trouble for talking to them. He would wait outside for me to return from a pub quiz that I was allowed to go to once a fortnight, but I had to ensure no males were walking along the road at same time.
He used to sometimes walk off into the night, once kissing the children goodbye and then telling me the next time I would see him would be in a morgue (sadly he came home again !!) by then I was too worn out to care what he did. I knew I was getting bitter and cynical and I knew that wasn't really me. He forced himself on me a couple of times, I contacted a helpline then but a feeble person on the other end just said "oh, its difficult as you have 5 children" At my wits end I went to the council and was so shocked that they would actually pay towards rent if I left him. Couldn't believe that anyone could help me.. why would they want to !
So in June 06, a few days after our 20th anniversary I moved out, while he was working in London for the day. All the children knew beforehand and didn't say a word. I didn't care about the house I was leaving behind.. and, when I got my own telephone line it was the most exciting thing in the world. Now I am living in a council house in the village where he lives. He still texts and calls lots, I get sarcastic texts etc now he knows I have another man. He tells me he loves me every chance he gets even though he has been seeing someone too.He also tries to hug me too. So, in other words he is still controlling me or perhaps I am letting him ! The children split their time between the 2 houses and they are not an issue as almost all grown up anyway. (20/19/17/16 and 13) So.. on Tuesday I will go back to solicitor to start divorce and I am worried what estranged husband will do once he knows.. when should I tell him.. how should I tell him.. I think I need to wait until I have been.. otherwise he will try emotional blackmail on me. Don't know why he can't move on.. it was the best thing I ever did getting the confidence and leaving him.
Sorry for this long post.. but I needed to put it down, hope it makes sense..

Just wanted to wish you well. I left my very cold, very controlling husband after 18 years of marriage and having had three children (then 9, 13, 15). My route to that point was similar, in a way, to yours...his behaviour had separated me from friends and family, so I ended up dependent on him in a way I wouldn't have thought possible. I was bright and lively when I met him but after 20 years he'd reduced me to someone who couldn't call people on the phone without stumbling and stuttering in nerves.

Like you, I did something about this and went back to college, got A levels and went to uni. Like you this changed me because it gave me back my confidence and I decided to leave (and now I get to the point of my ramble!) but he wouldn't believe or accept what I was saying... he kept telling me I was wrong and imagining things...our marriage was fine...I was happy...

I didn't know how to deal with this, so I called Relate. They were brilliant - I thought they were only for people wanting to fix their marriages but they're not - they also help you through the separation process. In the end they arranged a joint meeting and between us (him, me and the counselor) we persuaded him to come to the conclusion himself that our marriage was over and he had to 'let me go'. I couldn't have done it without them.

Good luck

jayne,
welcome to wiki.
I am pleased that things are working out for you.your x2b just wants what he cannot have.
What ephilia is suggesting about relate is a good idea but waitng for you might be bad ,you should go ahead and see your solicitor but let him know soon after before he receives or hear anything from others.You can still go to relat after.
good luck

Hi janeywaney,
My story is very similar to yours as I was married for 9 years,cohabiting for 2 years previously. Two children aged 4 and 6 now. My STBX reduced me to someone who had no hope in their life at all. I was 20 when we met, full of life and so happy but gradually he drained me completely with his drinking,threats of suicide etc. I gave up all hope in my life.

In January, He assaulted me quite badly and I left and sought help. It was hard and I had to move away for 2 months and live in a refuge. I got my strength back and got him out of the house. I changed all my bills over and got my own phone line too!!!! It was July before I had the courage to go to my solicitor to initiate divorce proceedings. It's still ongoing and he is dragging it out as much as he possibly can but it's going to be so worth it. I'm faced with losing my home next year and having to move into rented but every night I go to bed and I have to pinch myself that he is gone and the children and I have peace and quiet.
Best of luck, you're doing the right thing. xx

Well done Janey on getting rid of such a controlling, abusive man!! I wish you all the happiness you so deserve in your new relationship. Its his tough luck if he still loves you, he should have treated you better. As for telling him about the divorce, do you feel you need to, cant you just let the papers be served on him? I wouldnt worry about upsetting him now, you have a new life to think about.
Try to stop listening to him, just keep your talk to do with the kids, dont let him blackmail you into getting back with him, it would be the worsr thing you could do. Nothing would change if you took him back, it might even be worse as you've been with another man now & he would never forget it ok?
Cindy