Not sure what to do

I am feeling depressed as i have been married for a long time and we have been happy for the most part. The last few years have been difficult and we have been distant with eath other. I got a promotion at work and for the last 3 years have been travelling and working long hours. My husband felt neglected and began drinking a lot he also started working at home and opted out the corporate life. Now he has taken his at home business to a new level and has a thriving small business outside the house. He has lost weight and has told me he has no spark for me anymore but still admires and loves me. he says he is happy to live with me but cannot give me affection or be a husband to me. He also started writing affectionate notes to his new assistant and has spoken her name in his sleep.

I want and need a real relationship and cannot live like this. I try to get him to talk to me but he gets angry and a couple of times has hurt me physically.

I have told him I am planning on leaving and want to sort the finances out but he refuses to discuss any of this with me and says he does not want this to happen. I believe he does not want to disrupt his life by leaving the house or disrupting our family - we have 2 grown up children who are married and our daugher has 2 children.

I just don't know what to do for the best. Am I being selfish to want a happy healthy relationship?

I am feeling sad about the whole situation

Hi living - it's not you who's being selfish, it's your husband.

Can you get some legal advice on you own behalf where you are living?

In my case it was easier to come home, but my children are adults so I realise that might not help you.

You will find a lot of support here.
Good luck
Mneme

Hi la,

Welcome to wiki. Lots of good advice here from people in similar situations.

From what you've said: your marriage has been disolving for a few years (obviously long work hours; drink and one partner feeling neglected to the point of going elsewhere doesn't help).

If I were you I'd initiate you both seeing a good counsellor (relate usually) which will give you a comfortable place to discuss your difficulties; and to discuss in a blame-free environment. Even if the sessions do not 'repair' your marriage - they could help you both to comes-to-terms with the end.

If you then decide to go forward to Divorcing; there is plenty of advice here; and if you read the Ancillary Relief threads; and post the relevent financial information; you'd get a ball-park idea of how the finances would be resolved.

I think if there's still a spark of hope, that you should not go to a solicitor in haste.

Good luck,
Sera
x

living abroad wrote:

I try to get him to talk to me but he gets angry and a couple of times has hurt me physically.

....erm, just noticed that bit...

If there is 'active violence' within a relationship (active within 3 months) then a Relate counsellor may refuse to see him, and will refer him instead to seek help from a mens group such as 'Respect' (who run a help-line) to seek help with his anger management; and advise ways to control it: they said something to my ex along the lines of:
"If you feel angry, and feel like hitting out- you must remove yourself from your wife mate: until you calm down"

It helped (a bit) that he heard it from another man, it didn't work for long because his alchohol and substance abuse took hold; which made im aggressive and nasty.