Another noobie, another stressful situation

Hi all

I just wanted to introduce myself as reading all the stories on here made me feel I'm not alone, which has been an overwhelming factor in my stress levels over the last few months.

In October last year I finally got the courage to leave my abusive, controlling, alcoholic husband. I met someone else who taught me how a woman deserves to be treated, who helped me pack and got me out of there. The Husband was devastated by this move and said he'd do "anything" to get me back. He sought counselling, took me on dates, and was a changed man for three months. I moved back in January and he immediately thought that was it, he didn't need to make any more effort, and started drinking again. Every weekend he went to stay with friends in London and left me home alone. He wouldn't even call or text to say he'd be out all night. So many nights I went to bed at midnight not knowing if he was dead in a ditch somewhere.

In April I told him it wasn't working. We agreed to stay in the flat together with separate rooms until we could sell it. This worked fine til he met his new gf. They'd stay up half the night drinking and cackling while I (and sometimes my new bf) were trying to sleep. I asked him to come to an agreement that we wouldn't have our new partners over at the same time. He thought I was trying to place limitations on his behaviour and has since moved in with the gf.

He's continued to pay the mortgage and I'm living in the marital home. My brother has offered to come in with me and buy him out, which would be the perfect solution. However The Ex is proving hostile to this plan and wants to force a sale.

Hence me taking charge of the situation and filing for divorce and a fair settlement as soon as possible.

I've had some experience with counselling from both sides and am quite an empathic person so if I feel I have something to contribute I will do so. Likewise, if anyone reads this feel free to comment or advise. That's why we're all here

I already feel that this is a strong community with a lot of support flowing; I'd like to be part of that

Looking forward to networking some more soon.

Take care

Raiven xx

Hallo and welcome

There seems to be a common thread with men wanting to "control" their wives, which I think stems from insecurity.

My husband moved out at the beginning of July and I am slowly realising that I am much stronger without him.

Thanks for the reply! I'm pulling myself through it slowly and have spent the last month taking charge of the situation.

A helpful piece of advice I was given is "own your own feelings." No-one can MAKE you feel anything - you have control over your reactions and can decide whether to let him intimidate you, or whether to say "you aren't going to hurt me any more." Once I put this into practice I felt much more secure in myself.

Agreed about the insecurity thing - The Ex wants to control everything in his life to avoid being hurt. He didn't think he was loveable and refused to let me in when I tried to help. In the end all he did was push me away even more. He's still trying to make things go his way by intimidation but I won't let him.

I wish you all the good fortune in the world. You are worth all the effort of survival for your own sake. Keep the faith and stay strong for yourself!!

No Regrets wrote:

There seems to be a common thread with men wanting to "control" their wives, which I think stems from insecurity.

Which of course can be traced right back to their upbringing....usually done by women.

The Raiven wrote:

However The Ex is proving hostile to this plan and wants to force a sale.

Hi Raiven, Welcome.

I've just posted re a similar hostile situation here:
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...ell-house.html#55914

I think (?) if he were to try and force a sale; you'd be first option... if he could sell at all at the moment; he'd be bloody lucky!

Hi
Thanks for your thoughts - I agree about the control thing relating back to the parents. In my Ex's case he was never able to do anything right; his father constantly berated him for not being good enough, which left him with a massive inferiority complex. I tried to help for 6 years but there comes a point when a person has to help him or herself.

And having violence done to your own self is never an excuse for doing it to someone else. In short, you have a point, but it only goes so far...