Is this finally the Beginning of my New Life

Well Im fairly new to this site but thought I would post here as I feel this is going to the start of my new life.

I have been married to my controlling husband for 7 years, together for 15, although he maintains he is not in any way controlling this is what marriage is and I love him. I was going to leave him before we married but he controlled his way into me asking him to marry him. How can he do that you say but he is very manipulative. So I have stuck it out for 7 years and the last couple of months have brought the subject of Divorce and separating up telling him I am unhappy. He keeps telling me that I am and convincing me I will not be happy without him so I am persuaded to stay. Each time he leaves the house I cry because I cannot stand to be around him. I cant stand him touching me, I am still having sex as again I cannot stand the hassle and I do not wish to create an atmosphere around my 6 year old who adores him. He has convinced me so far that all marriages are like this but I cant believe this is how I am supposed to be for the rest of my life. At one point he said I should leave and leave our child with him as it is my personal choice I am unhappy and he should not lose out because of my selfishness. This scared me at the beginning but I have now thought about the situation and am prepared to leave the marital home if I have to but not without my child. I am waiting for a Solicitor to call me back to arrange an appointment today and will also seek advice from the CAB, unfortunately I am not working at the moment as I have recently been made redundant which is another thing he uses against me, that my confidence is slow.

However does anybody know off hand where I stand as to being accused of abandonment if I leave the marital home with my Son and what benefits I would be entitled to should I pack my bags. All of our savings are in his bank account so I have only limited access with the use of a cashcard. We only have limited equity in our property and with the way everything is it is more likely to be repossessed before we will be able to sell it. I know that if I leave my husband will not pay the mortgage. I have nobody I can go and stay with for the time being, and I am not going to consider a hostel and my mum did this to me when I was very young too.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I have woken up today thinking I must start my life and live for today.

Thank you.

Hi Plum. Welcolm to the site BTW. At the heart of this is your low self asteam and most likely why you got yourself into this in the 1st place. There is an old saying. If you dont control your own life, someone will control it for you. There are some posts in discuss anything that cover sociopaths. Have a look at them and try and work out if your husband is one of these.

You have to take command of your life. Otherwise it will be commanded by others. Now is the time to stand up for yourself. No matter what that is. Decide what is right for you and act apon it. You may decide to end your marriage and you may also decide to save it. That is for you to decide. No one else. But you may now be able to save it.

Its not a good idea to leave your son with this man. He may turn your son against you and you would have lost everything and this will drive you deeper into dispair. There are womens refuges that you can go to. If you need to that is. The state wont seperate you from your son. Thats a given. But this is a last resort and most people dont need a refuge. You should be ok.

This isnt your life. Your life is what you make it. Good or bad. So its upto you.

If you decide to seperate then I wont lie to you that it will be easy. It wont. But what you have to consider is what would it be like staying with this man? Is this man any good for your future welfare? Also what kind of example does this man show your son? This you have to all weigh up and come to a decision. I dont have a magic bullit for you. There isnt one. But there are lots and lots of people on this site right now with the same kind of problems you face. Hope it goes right for you. C

Agree with what Marsh has posted: which will help with your emotional well-being. However, don't bore your solicitor with that stuff, Divorce needs reasons, and you have adequate 'reasons' for Unreasonable Behaviour. Beyond that - it'll be about Finances and Childcare.

In the first instance; you could ask your solicitor what steps to take to get an emergency application for spousal support addressed. (Controlling your finances is a very typical Control Man mechanism)...

.....if you have the cashcard; why not secure enough to get you through the next few months; keep receipts for everything; (I'm not talking about getting yourself pedicures! I'm talking about food, needs for the child etc) If this expenditure becomes questionable; you can say it was for emergency neccessities. I imagine if you do leave, he'd immediately withdraw the balance, or attempt to close the account anyway.

Read through Divorcelawyers fixed posts in the Ancillary Relief threads; which will give you an idea of what courts consider, and how assets are divided.

Good luck
Sera
x

Sera wrote:

Agree with what Marsh has posted: which will help with your emotional well-being. However, don't bore your solicitor with that stuff, Divorce needs reasons, and you have adequate 'reasons' for Unreasonable Behaviour. Beyond that - it'll be about Finances and Childcare.

In the first instance; you could ask your solicitor what steps to take to get an emergency application for spousal support addressed. (Controlling your finances is a very typical Control Man mechanism)...

.....if you have the cashcard; why not secure enough to get you through the next few months; keep receipts for everything; (I'm not talking about getting yourself pedicures! I'm talking about food, needs for the child etc) If this expenditure becomes questionable; you can say it was for emergency neccessities. I imagine if you do leave, he'd immediately withdraw the balance, or attempt to close the account anyway.

Read through Divorcelawyers fixed posts in the Ancillary Relief threads; which will give you an idea of what courts consider, and how assets are divided.

Good luck
Sera
x

Thought you would post Sera. Good advice here. But people dont always control with money. This man looks like he does it at the emotional level. Not all men are controlers. Its a people trait. Just wanted to make that clear. There tends to be a lot of men bashing. (Chris fighting in the mans corner for honest and decent men lol)
C

plum36 wrote:

I have been married to my controlling husband for 7 years,

.......but he controlled his way into me asking him to marry him.

...All of our savings are in his bank account

Marsh,

I adore men; which is what has gotten my twice-married bootyliscious self into this mess in the first place!

But in all posts whereby I've mentioned the Controlling issues; it is already glaring out from the Posters message.

Some one pointed out to me re: issues of Control, Abuse of Power, and Social Sociopaths. This was the kindest thing they've done, and I'm sharing what I know to enlighten people.

Don't shoot-the-messenger chuck!

IMO Money isn't necessarily the first control thing that a controller uses - but it may follow if the emotional control stops working. Controllers/Verbal Abusers can be male or female.

Plum, welcome and sorry to hear your situation. However, you do seem to have made a start to realising that what your husband says is control and not 'how a marriage should be' - thats his opinion.

He cannot use your son as an emotional blackmail to make you remain in a marriage that you are unhappy in.

He will concentrate on your confidence being low, but you are recognising this and please do not let him doubt yourself anymore. You have a right to make a decision, unfortunately it maybe not what he wants but fundamentally you cannot make someone love you if they dont.

Its good that you are using the phrase 'a new part of your life' - it will be tough but you will get there.

I would get advice on whether you should leave - if your mortgage is in both names you will be affected by him defaulting deliberately on this (although it seems another threat to you, and he would suffer too).

CAB and a Solicitor will be able to give you information on what you would be entitled to also a website called entitledto.co.uk will help.

Keep posting, I am sure there are many others that can help you with your questions

Sera wrote:

Don't shoot-the-messenger chuck!

Dear Miss bootyliscious haha. I am sure you are. Yea I know but I dont like people men bashing lol. I adore women and thats half the problem. C