Hi all

I have just really started contemplating divorcing my husband.

We have been married 12 years and together 15 but our marriage has been in serious trouble for the last 7-8 of those years. I moved out of the marital home in March although we were in seperate bedrooms since the March of the previous year and last had marital relations i guess roughly a year before that, although due to the size of the house still had to share a bed, albeit each of us sleeping in the very edge of our respective sides.

We have 2 children, 10 and 7 with the youngest being severly disabled since birth. They live with my husband as I work full time to support the family and he works part-time for a school so the hours suit the situation better for him to be there when they come home from school and in school holidays. It has always been this way as to be honest my earning capability has always been greater than his.

Our troubles started when Ben was born as the severity of his disability meant that tremendous strain was put on our relationship and it was found wanting. I felt that my husband gave me very little support and essentially let me "get on with it", a repeat of the scenario when our daughter was born, but with far greater consequences as ben's disability meant that he was obviously more difficult to look after.

I spent years trying to get my husband to acknowledge that we had problems that needed to be sorted out but he chose to bury his head. Eventually I gave up, and yes i did have an affair but it was a symptom rather than the cause. i admitted the affair to my husband roughly a year after it started, although the affair by that point had pretty much finished, and told my husband that our marriage was over.

He was of course not ready to finish our marriage and set about trying to get me to reconsider but it really was too late for me, i had no feelings left for him at all. He accepted it was over a few months back and has been dating.

We have been trying to work this all out amicably and after a few initial hiccups we seem to be doing ok, although he insists on introducing the kids to his new girlfriends which i am not happy with as I feel it confuses them. I have no issues with him dating, just feel that he shouldnt introduce women unless he feels it is serious and has some staying power. My daughter has already told my mum that she is getting a new step-mum and sisters when the woman was only a casual fling that my husband was having with no intention of making it serious

I have been contemplating divorce recently as I have met someone who i want to marry but am scared of upsetting the status quo with my husband as i feel that if he knows i am serious about someone he will go defensive and territorial and start to make things difficult re the arrangements we have already agreed on regarding access to the kids, and maintenance payments.

So i am just reading through all the posts etc trying to get an idea of how to move forward, what i need to do etc to end the marriage with as little effect as possible on the kids, as have seen one of my sisters and her ex tear my nephew apart when they divorced and dont want to do that to my kids

Any advice/support would be appreciated

hi ib,
welcome to wiki,
the birth of a disabled child can bring a couple closer but sadly in your case it did the opposite.
If it is going to make it easier for your x2b to agree with the divorce if he does not know that you are in a serious relationship,why rock the boat?
petition and get things sorted out ,it will be easier ,cheaper and quicker for all concerned.Less painful for x2b .It does not mean you do not have to see your new partner,do not let your x2b in on your plan to make it permanent just yet.
good luck

Thanks for your quick reply

We had initially agreed that we wouldnt get divorced, didnt want to put money in the hands of solictors if we could agree on stuff, so i think that when i start talking divoice he will realise what is going on.

But i guess it is a bridge i will have to cross. I am aware that technically the split was my fault, as i was the one who had the affair, so i am bending over backwards trying to be fair and not have him suffer financially from the split but am worried that i will be left with nothing to live on if he turns nasty.

Trying to stay positive, buts it tough