Hi all

I have just really started contemplating divorcing my husband.

We have been married 12 years and together 15 but our marriage has been in serious trouble for the last 7-8 of those years. I moved out of the marital home in March although we were in seperate bedrooms since the March of the previous year and last had marital relations i guess roughly a year before that, although due to the size of the house still had to share a bed, albeit each of us sleeping in the very edge of our respective sides.

We have 2 children, 10 and 7 with the youngest being severly disabled since birth. They live with my husband as I work full time to support the family and he works part-time for a school so the hours suit the situation better for him to be there when they come home from school and in school holidays. It has always been this way as to be honest my earning capability has always been greater than his.

Our troubles started when Ben was born as the severity of his disability meant that tremendous strain was put on our relationship and it was found wanting. I felt that my husband gave me very little support and essentially let me "get on with it", a repeat of the scenario when our daughter was born, but with far greater consequences as ben's disability meant that he was obviously more difficult to look after.

I spent years trying to get my husband to acknowledge that we had problems that needed to be sorted out but he chose to bury his head. Eventually I gave up, and yes i did have an affair but it was a symptom rather than the cause. i admitted the affair to my husband roughly a year after it started, although the affair by that point had pretty much finished, and told my husband that our marriage was over.

He was of course not ready to finish our marriage and set about trying to get me to reconsider but it really was too late for me, i had no feelings left for him at all. He accepted it was over a few months back and has been dating.

We have been trying to work this all out amicably and after a few initial hiccups we seem to be doing ok, although he insists on introducing the kids to his new girlfriends which i am not happy with as I feel it confuses them. I have no issues with him dating, just feel that he shouldnt introduce women unless he feels it is serious and has some staying power. My daughter has already told my mum that she is getting a new step-mum and sisters when the woman was only a casual fling that my husband was having with no intention of making it serious

I have been contemplating divorce recently as I have met someone who i want to marry but am scared of upsetting the status quo with my husband as i feel that if he knows i am serious about someone he will go defensive and territorial and start to make things difficult re the arrangements we have already agreed on regarding access to the kids, and maintenance payments.

So i am just reading through all the posts etc trying to get an idea of how to move forward, what i need to do etc to end the marriage with as little effect as possible on the kids, as have seen one of my sisters and her ex tear my nephew apart when they divorced and dont want to do that to my kids

Any advice/support would be appreciated

Hallo and welcome to Wikivorce

There are 3 bits you need to think about
a) the practical stuff - who has the kids, when and where they will live; how much money you divide between you, how you will live afterwards etc.

b) the emotional stuff for your children
sorting out their security needs and ensuring they aren't used in a tugofwar

c) the emotional stuff for you
You sound as though you are ready to move on, but there are inevitably regrets, anger, whatif thoughts to cope with.

People here can give advice on all these things.

It sounds as though you and your husband are still talking which is a good start. I wouldn't be in a hurry to announce your new chap, but I would try to point out that the children may be confused about girlfriends of husband who come and go. Perhaps just introducing them as a friend of Daddy rather than potential new step mother might help?

I had the "confusion over new partners" chat with him a couple of months ago as I found at why my duaghter had stopped talking to me (thought it might have been the start of the terrible teenage years a little early)which was that he had told her to not tell me about his new girlfriends and she was scared to say anything to me in case she let it slip, which happened anyway

He told me it was none of my business and got very defensive, so i said that it became my business when it involved the children so he kind of agreed that it was confusing for the children but i found out that a couple of weeks ago that my daughter had met the next new woman, so it doesnt seem that he is willing to play ball on that one.

So relations are a little strained between us at the moment

lb,
I would say if you and your husband are able to maintain an amicable relationship, book a free half hour with a solicitor (there's a number at the top of this page) and broach the subject of divorce with him before starting proceedings. You could pretty much agree between you who is going to divorce who and on what grounds if you have both decided the marriage is over, this should reduce any chance of a backlash from him.
Have you discussed with your husband your concerns with regard to him introducing new partners to your children too soon? Explain to him what your daughter told your mum and how this concerns you.