Looking for answers - when there are none

I was completely shocked when my wife told me she didn't "feel the same way" about me anymore.

We had been married for 12 years and together for almost 20 with two young children. I thought we had everything - enough money, our own house, nice holidays and brilliant kids.

I had noticed that over the last couple of years my wife had become more withdrawn, and we weren't emotionally as close as we had been - but I assumed it was the stress of being stuck at home looking after the children - didn't realize I was the cause

Recently our youngest went to school and she got a job. I thought that at last she could find her happy self again - and sure enough she started going out again and having a good time.

Unfortunately, it was friends that she wanted to go out with - not me. I thought this was odd, but divorce is like some sort of incurable illness - you see the signs, but you think it will never happen to you.

Then she dropped the bombshell. Initially there was talk of "needing some space", and a horrible 6 weeks of limping on believing there was hope. But she had already detached emotionally and with hindeight, separation was inevitable

I am renting my own place now and have good access to the children who I love more than anything in the world so I am doing a lot better than many, but I still have days of numb shock. My wife was completely family oriented when we met and it seems completely out of character to put young children through all this. She claimed she tried to tell me prevously - but she can't have tried very hard because I had no idea. I think she said things like "what is going on with us?". But thats a pants way of telling someone you don't love them, when they still feel as strongly as when you got married.

In the end though I'm realising there is no logic, no answers. When someone is unhappy thats the only reason there needs to be.

So I'm moving on, but its hard to do that when you read around and you find out that not only have you been dumped, and can't read your kids bedtime stories every night .. as the male with a pension, in all likelihood you've also lost your home and financially you're starting again at 40.

There are no answers, but on that basis I don't think I'll be recommending marriage to my son. How can you advocate risking everything on such a fickle emotion?

All I wanted was what I had, but I think I can see a future now - as long as I can keep good contact with the children.

Long first post - but its all therapy

Hi helter,
welcome to wiki.
sadly we do not always grow together and it sounds as if you two have grown apart.
It does get easier ,try and keep things as amicable as possible.If she wants out there is nothing you can do.
Have you suggested counselling as a couple?
join the chat room ,it helps in the evening.
You should find a lot of support both practical and emotional here.
take care

Hi Maria - thanks for your reply.

Yes, grown apart is what my wife would say. The difference is that I saw our emotional distance as temporary and still loved her unconditionally. I find it hard to accept that she feels nothing when she remembers back to the good times we had and that she is already out clubbing and giggling with friends about some blokes or other. It all seems a bit cold.

Still, I guess she's been mentally preparing for this for a while. Just wish she had given me a chance to stop the rot. She refused couselling by the way - which is where I feel most resentment. I felt the children deserved an attempt at reconciliation.

Love doesn't work like that though its seems. It can go as quick as it came and as a generation we can't seem to work through our bad times like our parents did. I do feel thats how you get to the good stuff, the strong stuff that keeps you together until you're 80!