Very tentative

Hi Annakaranina

It sounds like you've come to a point within your relationship where you're truthful to your own feelings and facing the reality...I sympatise with your feelings as I am in a very similar situation myself...I spent the last few years undecided about our relationship and things got worse. I am now petitioning for a divorce...Yes, I too find it hard to tell my family and friends...especially our two children..I already told my family, but not yet my parents...I am struggling (stupidly, and needlessly) with the thought of telling my work colleques and all.But I will when I am ready... You will too...So don't worry about what others will say...People who care for you will support your decision anyway..You'll find a lot of usuful information on this site like I did..and scary as it is...I'm taking that step forward:S

Good Luck...

Hallo

You sound as though you are only tentative about getting the ball rolling, as your relationship is in your opinion unrecoverable.

Stop feeling guilty. You have already invested a lot in your relationship and now you feel you should invest in your personal future.

You say your husband won't want to separate - but that he is unhappy. Clearly you and he don't work well together. This is very sad but recognising this and taking action will help you both to move on.

There are two bits to separation and divorce, the practical bit about who lives where and who gets which items etc and the emotional bit. The emotional bit is the tricky bit that stops people from acting in the best way. Hurt pride etc often ends up in huge legal fees.

You don't say how old your children are or your financial situation. I am guessing it would be easier for your husband to move out (though he might not want to go).

Your husband and you need to talk about this - maybe you could just start by suggesting a break. Give him time to digest this, it will probably be a shock, and then later discuss how you can achieve this.

In my case, my husband and I didn't get on for a long time- but I don't think I realised (or wanted to face up to) how bad it was, until last year. He spent a lot of time out of the house and eventually met someone else which then made him feel he wanted out, but he didn't tell me, he was just moody and irritable.

He was spending more and more time away from us (two boys, now aged 16 and 14). Finally in March I suggested separation, which he agreed to. I can't tell you the relief I felt. But he didn't tell me he was seeing someone else, and we agreed he would leave after 16 year old had done his GCSEs.

2 months later I got him to admit he had another woman, which I'd suspected, but it was still a horrible shock as whilst I was still in disbelief and grief about our relationship ending, he'd just found someone else without seemingly a backward glance at our 31-yr relationship (18 yrs married).

He's been gone 4 months now, and although it has been tough - I was very surprised at how miserable and angry I was - I am working through it with anti-depressants and counselling and now feel more confident and forward looking.

Good luck. It's a bumpy road, but there are plenty of fellow travellers and guide books.

As for telling people, yes, I found that hard, though it got easier.

I prepared the ground when I went on holiday by sending postcards to friends signed from me and son, so they were already alert to the fact that husband wasn't with us.

At work, I found it a good idea to tell a few folk, and let them know I was fine with them telling other people, so I didn't have to keep on saying it.

All my friends (including mutual ones and ones that were friends with husband before they met me) have been 100% supportive and I've actually been seeing and hearing more from them.

My work colleagues, who are a great bunch, have also been fabulously supportive, happy to let me vent my anger/grief or to distract me or buck me up as I needed.

And I've bumped into lots of people who have already been there, got through and made new, better lives for themselves.

No one has judged me or been critical at all. My self-esteem has been better this last month than for years before.

Wow, thank you to all who have replied - such perceptive and thoughtful response. I really do appreciate the time you have taken, and am very glad to have found this site. I think it is true that I am, and maybe have been, sure we should not be together for a while but the whole process of separation seems overwhelming and daunting. I guess I just thought if I could hang on until my kids are older (they are 11 and 14 at the moment) it would be better for them, but that seems like a long time at the moment. And I am not convinced it will be better for them - I know my husband has always had a sharp temper but he is better with them when I am not around I think and vice versa, not to mention the civil but frosty exchanges that they witness regularly between us. I will keep reading, thinking and learning, but in the meantime, I am considering a 2009 change - really can't discuss it with him before Christmas with all that brings to the mix!