Very tentative

Hi everyone, I am very tentatively dipping my toe in the water of separation/divorce. I have been married a long time, have two children and know my husband would not want to separate even though we are very unhappy and bad for each other. I am getting closer to the view that life is too short to make each other sad to the point of obvious stress, constant bickering and potential illness, yet it all seems very overwhelming and a huge step to take - I am frightened of telling my husband, our lovely children, our families, friends etc. That is more than enough from me at the moment I think. I look forward to learning from you all here.

Hi Anna,

Outta the pot - into the fire! (Welcome to the furnace of Divorce Hell!) Dipping your toe in? Yes indeedy - the heat in on !

Have a good read. When you're ready there'll be plenty of experiences to learn from, and like us; you'll end up more confuzzled than when you started...

But seriously: Emotional support; Recovery support; and all the bits the legal system won't deal with.

Sera
x

HI Annakarenina

Welcome to wiki - the site is an amazing place for information, support, help and advice.

Its a tricky situation to be in - not being happy, realising that the only way you yourself can have a life is to get out of a bad marriage. From your post, I get the impression that you have put others first for a very long time - and now its your time to think about you.

Yes, its a huge step to take, and not one to be taken lightly, at all. You have to be absolutely sure that separation/divorce is what you want. Ask yourself this - do you still love him, and can you still imagine good times ahead for you as a couple?

Dont worry too much about what others will say/think - its nothing to do with them - this is your life, and we all deserve some happiness and sunshine.

What ever you decide, I wish you luck and happiness.

Keep posting

Ruby

Hi Anna,

I have just logged on the site after a long break dealing with my own personal crisis and your name straight attracted my attention.
Sorry to hear about your unhappiness and the dilema about how to deal with it.
Have you tried any counselling, Relate or something similar. If there is any hope of talking to each other it might be a good idea.

Petrof

Thank you for your swift and warm welcomes. I think it probably says a lot that in answer to the questions 'do I still love him', I have an unequivocal 'no' as a response. I care, feel guilty about the pain he has experienced in his life and want him to be happy but I don't love him. And, in reply to the second question about a future, my answer is a definitive 'no' too - we are very unsuited. We got married far too soon (baby on the way) and for lots of reasons are not compatible. I feel awful saying it but counselling fills me with dread because I don't really believe it is a remediable situation - he has a swift and frightening temper (but is not physically aggressive) and I think counselling would only exacerbate dysfunctional responses . . .and . . .to be brutally honest with myself, I don't really want to invest in what I feel is a very broken relationship. That all sounds so cruel, selfish and even dismissive of a long relationship. I don't mean it to be, but I think I am finally learning to be a bit more truthful with myself which is a mixed blessing.

HI again Anna

No, you are not being "cruel, selfish or dismisive" - you are being honest, there is a major difference.

Its all to easy to keep on trying, to keep thinking "things will be better once we get through this current crisis" - but when all you can see are the bad times, the hurdles we have to keep jumping over only to be faced with yet another one, it gets weary and grinds you down (I have that t-shirt too).

It sounds as though you have already made your mind up about which direction you wish to take, but just needed someone else to say that you are doing the right thing. Only you can decide if its the right one for you - and its something that I think you have been considering for a long time, probably years.

We are here for you and will do all we can to support and guide you.

Take Care

Ruby

Hi Anna,

I think a lot of us stumble across this site when we are battle weary, but better to stumble on the site than stumble without the site.

The Furnace of Divorce Hell - FDH?

Mine's in 2nd December - ex after 13th months of high legal costs wants me to suspend all legalities and engage in discussion. The hard lesson was the only one he was prepared to listen to. I was all for sitting down, talking, and saving money. You know sometimes when we've spoken for 2 hours for example, I say 'well that's more than 300 quid we've saved' - and he's an arogant sod and not easy to engage conversation with.

One his bank account depeletion started to scare the sh** out of him, he wants to talk, but he wants to talk about ceasing the legalities, which to him means taking control, which in essense means I have to trust him to get himself sorted, and move out - 13mths now, had Decree Nisi since last feb, driving me mad - but I think there's a lot of us about.

Take care

Jolly