Hi all, new to this, looking for some guidance..

Hi all out there, I'm hoping I can get some help and who knows maybe even offer some!
Briefly, I'm not divorced but am in a bit of a situation about contact with my nearly 2 year old son. Briefly, my ex and i seperated a couple of months before our son was born, not ideal circs all round but these things happen. The initial stages were very difficult, lots of arguing etc and things didn't really get too much better after he was born, although I am on the birth certificate so have PR. CSA are involved and i have never missed a payment and have co-operated throughout with them, to be honest I am actually pleased they are as that side of things is all above board. I have had regular, frequent contact with him since his birth, initially going to visit him at her house, moving to him then coming across to my house, all by mutual agreement. Over the last 18 months or so I have had him on average 3 out of 4 weekends, picking him up from nursery on fridays and returning him to his mums late on Sunday. I have done the vast majority of the travelling, a round trip of about 70 miles twice a weekend. I don't gripe about that, to be honest I have been too frightened to suggest altering those travelling arrangements due to worrying about what she may do, and there have been a couple of occasions where things have got really rocky. It has felt a lot like I've had a gun held against my head for the last 2 years so I've pretty much done all I can to keep the peace so that I could continue seeing my son.
Anyway, a week ago my ex told me that she was planning to move to London, from the Lancashire area where she is now. She has met a new man and has decided to move down there to be with him, having sorted out job transfers, nursery etc before she even spoke to me about it. Now I have no issue with her being in a relationship, I myself got married in September this year, and my wife has always been fully supportive of me and treats my son as her own. I am, however, deeply concerned at what this massive change in circumstances means to me and my son. My ex has suggested that she will bring him up every 3 or 4 weeks, but her family (who I do get on with) will also want to see him so I can see my time with him being severely curtailed. Also, as much as she says she'll come up I just can't see her sticking to it. I've broached the subject of mediation with her but I might as well of just lit the fireworks early, she has basically said that she won't spend the money on an agreement that isn't worth the paper it's written on and I'll just have to trust her. I only wish I could. If anyone can offer any advice as to the best course of action I would really appreciate it, I'm desperate to keep this out of court but evenmore desperate to maintain the contact etc with my son. I just want some committment from her that she will maintain it, unfortunately she has proved that her word isn't worth a great deal. Sorry for the length of the posting and apologies if I shouldn't really be here but I can't seem to find any other suitable forums.

Hello Dansdad;

Welcome to wiki, no need to appologise; there are plenty of parents who are tryng to fathom the complexities of co-parenting. I've been doing it for ten years; and we agreed to stay within proximity of the childs school etc.

Your situation is slightly different because you weren't married and you and ex had split before the child was born.

I can't add much comment but to say there is a lot of sadness in your situation. I applaud any man that cares to be there for his child. I also understand (as a child of divorce) to have not known my father after aged four when he left the country. That hole annot be filled.

As a woman, I understand your ex wanting to move on, form a stable relationship and take the opportunity of doing so with a man without considering your needs. (It is very isolating raising a child alone).

I think the saddest part is the amount of travelling this wee tot has to do in shunting him back and forth, a young child busy at nursury can hardly be expected to do a 70 mile round trip in Friday evening traffic.

I think any attempts to force her to sign anything would not be realistic. I think the childs interets' have to be at the centre here; and that may mean you and your new wife moving closer to the parent-with-care; or you taking a back seat for now.

I think the natural decline in access would naturally happen when your son reaches school age. Children form friendships locally, attend parties, sleepovers, Cubs etc, and soon have their own little social lives that keep them busy and occupied.

The solution can only be that you try and move closer to retain contact. There's no magic wand answer to your problem.

Hi Sera, thanks for the reply, although I feel I need take issue with a couple of your points.
Firstly, I can assure you that I only have my sons best interests at heart. A big part of that has surely got to be him having some regular and meaningful contact with his dad, someone who for the first two years of his life he has been seeing on a regular basis and who is so committed to maintaining that. And it's not just me, there is her family and well as mine, so pretty much all of what he knows now is about to be taken away from him. To suggest that I should try and move nearer to her is just unrealistic, what happens when she wants to move again do I then uproot my family to chase her around the country? I really don't believe that she is thinking of our son, the man she is now seeing has been previously married and has no ties to keep him in that area yet they are not prepared for him to move up to this area, if we were being really honest that surely would be a much better option with far less disruption for my son. It's difficult to fully explain all of what has happened but I can honestly say that some of what she has said can only be described as venomous and my major concern is that this is all just a way of scoring points. Believe me I have had that loaded gun held against my head for the last two years. I can't possibly take a back seat at this crucial time in my son's development, I'm sure I would be accused of not caring and not wanting to be there if I did and that simply is not true. Let us not forget, it is not me who is moving away here, I am absolutely devastated at the thought of not seeing him and really do not want him to suffer for what is I feel a fairly selfish decision. She is flatly refusing to even discuss this with me in an adult manner, and I can't understand how it should be that she should automatically be asumed to have more rights here, it's not about me and her its about our son and what's best for him.
She has even said that her new partner will make a better dad than me and will be going for PR when they get married next year. I have no problem with her getting on with her life and I wish him the very best of luck, he's going to need it, but those sort of remarks can only be construed as just trying to twist the knife.
Sorry for the rant but I've not long been home after another attempt at keeping this out of court.

I totally understand all of your points, fears and frustrations... and the bottom line is you and your ex cannot realistically co-parent with such inconsideration of the others role in your sons life.

I've been through court with this myself, our son was ten. My ex was deemed vitriolic and spiteful and we agreed joint-custody.

You couldn't even job-share with another person that didn't consider you. I've seen these situations before, and even with court orders in place (re: Contact) if ex doesn't comply with ORDERS; there is nothing you can do about it! There is no agency that will bang on her door and take the child away, unless the child is at harm from the PWC.

It's all very sad, and you're not alone with this. I guess that's why Fathers for Justice etc formed in the first place.

Hi

There is not much that can be done about an internal relocation (UK move) as it should be relatively easy to keep in contact. I note what you say regarding present contact arrangements in that you have him 3 out of 4 weekends per month, this is obviousy going to lessen simply because of the distance involved in travelling for both you and your son. You say that her family will want to see your son but this should not impact upon your contact - she will simply have to take him to see them when he does not have contact with you. It is her decision to move and the onus should not be all on you to maintain contact or tow the line. I suggest that she should meet you at least half way (re journey) perhaps at a service station somewhere for handovers - this will make the whole situation less stressful for all involved.

In terms of an agreement, she is right when she says that that it isn't worth the paper its written on - that is unless its a court order. You could always consider making an application for a defined contact order, that way you will know that you have an agreement that will be kept to and you can iron out the logistical difficulties.

kind regards

Hi,Iam in the same boat as you my ex moved to aberystwyth in mid wales from derby which is 3 hrs away but I see my son(jack)every two weeks.I travel to aberystwyth on a sat stop in a b&b and have him all day sunday then travel back to derby sunday night.