Not coping too well

Apparently I'm totally to blame (which I'm already starting to realise is common) and it's all my fault that he drinks because I drive him to it. Thing is I keep asking him what I've done and all I get is 'You mean you don't know' or 'I'll tell you one day'. Well how on earth can I understand or do anything about it if I don't know what I've done!

I know for certain though: I'm not a 'whore or slut'. I've never crossed him in the whole time we've been married: although I did make one little slip up before we were married: which he knew about. It is this that is constantly referred to. Well, I don't think it's much of a reason after 26 years. Maybe I'm wrong.

Hi Tut
Sounds like we have a few things in common - 18yrs married, together 8 yrs before that, last 10+ yrs been very lonely with a h who denies he has a drink problem and is verbally manipulative. No-one else involved though we have a son, 12yrs who I need to protect from as much of the fallout now as I can. For me, I simply realised I'd had enough & had to do something to preserve what was left of me - for my son's & my sake.

Found this in a recent post by SadEyes which helped me a lot

www.drirene.com/theabuser.htm
(sorry - not sure how to make this link work yet)

As you've no doubt realised by now, you're not on your own. It's really sad but there are so many of us out here in a similar situ. Accept that you can't reason with him & reserve your strength for taking things a day at a time. We have one life and must not feel guilty in wanting to make the most of it.
SP x

Tuttifruiti wrote:

Apparently I'm totally to blame (which I'm already starting to realise is common) and it's all my fault that he drinks because I drive him to it. Thing is I keep asking him what I've done and all I get is 'You mean you don't know' or 'I'll tell you one day'. Well how on earth can I understand or do anything about it if I don't know what I've done!

Tutti - it is NOT your fault - yes it is very common for the alcoholic to blame another for thier drinking, thier behaviour, the bad weather, the fact that there is nothing on TV, etc.

They can not and will not accpet sole responsiblity for thier own actions. At least not while they continue to drink.

I tried so many times and so many ways to help my ex - but unless they aknowledge they want and need help themsleves, then there is nothing anyone else can do.

Everything was my fault - according to him - took me a long time to realise that his actions were his responsiblilty - I didnt encourage him to drink, in fact he needed no encouragement!

Alcoholics are unreasonable people, they dont have the same thought-process as non-alcoholics - so it can be diffucilt trying to agree on things, and keep things reasonable. Just grit your teeth, and know that you have done nothing wrong.

You have lived a life of hell - now it is your time to start living.Properly.

Ruby

HI Tuti

My situatin is also similar to yours an Alcoholic wont admit there is a problem with drink but will blame everything else and everyone else as the problem.

I to tried to divorce my ex twice has a drink problem but there was a third party involved also. we reconciled twice and he carried on drinking and now for the third time has had an affair with same woman who is also a heavy drinker so good luck to them both they deserve eachother, will abuse eachother but as drinkers do they forget what they have said to eachother by the next day so God help them both.
He's not my problem anymore.. I am going to selfrep my divorce and get a solicitor to sort out finances as it keeps costs down.

Have you thought of self repping

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT BUT WE ARE ALL HERE TO CONSOLE EACHOTHER.

The only consoling a drinker will get is the bottle or can.

Take Care
Chrissy xx

Tutti

My thoughts are with you right now, Wiki is a nice place to not feel alone and to offload.

Alcoholism the illness, is just that. When I first heard that, it seemed to make more sense to me. That was when I started to see people with alcoholism differently. At Alanon they say 'detach with love', and at first you think - hang on a minute, that is a contradiction in terms isn't it?
But the idea I think behind it is to say - You've had a hard time with this alcohol dependent person, you tried to fix it, but the problem is not yours to fix. The same way only the smoker can give up the ciggies themself.

It's one of the hardest things to see in someone you care about, and detaching with love doesn't mean you stopped trying or caring, it is just that you ran out of things to try.

Whether you were together or apart, the person with the addiction has to accept it first themselves, before they can realise they are the one to make the change. You know this already I am sure.

I hope for you that if he ever stops, he will see it clearly and maybe one day thank you for the tolerence, friendship and caring you gave. Lots of us here know you have given very much of yourself.

And if you need to relax and take a breath of fresh air, wiki people have a wiki sense of humour, and plenty of comforting virtual hugs. Drop into the chat room anytime this is a hug for you (((((tutti))))))

79firstwhen

79firstwhen wrote:

Tutti

detaching with love doesn't mean you stopped trying or caring, it is just that you ran out of things to try.

I really wish I had heard those words a year aog - would have stopped me from thinking I was a cold-hearted, stoney, uncaring b***h

Ruby