I can't hold a feeling!!!!!

Hi all

My world collapsed in April 2007 when my h decided that after 19 years of loving me and putting me on a pedestal that he could no longer do 'this'. Turned out to be someone else waiting in the wings for him. Unfortunately, we all worked together and the pain and humiliation I felt was made a trillion times worse by this. He went and came back and went and came back again, but in the end the lack of trust was too much to stand. I never, ever, ever had any reason to doubt this man and certainly didn't think he'd treat me the way he did. But, that's all in the past and it can't be undone.

My eldest will be gone next year (Uni). Oh he makes me laff:lol: ! There'll still be me and my baby who's 13 at home. Well, hopefully our new home as the marital one is up for sale.

My problem is that I can't hold a feeling! Sometimes, though it's rare, I'm on top o the world and feel so blessed with the family and friends I have. And I am blessed. BUT most of the time...God, I'm lonely. I have a pain inside me that just won't go away. Please someone tell me what's wrong with me. I can't keep boring my family and friends with my woes. They just want to see a happy me and I don't want them to think "Oh...she's off again" LOL. Why can't I keep that feeling of 'blessed, content and happy' with me?

Sorry for burbling on, I struggle to keep my thoughts in order aswell...if you couldn't tell:) . So much junk in there!!!! Thanks for reading.

BFN x

Carie,

What you are feeling is normal and natural. My world collapsed in June 2007 when ex told me he had been having an affair for 12 months, he left the same day.

I also feel blessed with the family and friends that have supported me over the most difficult time in my life. I never thought I would get through this emotional journey but I did. Like you I feel fine most days but the loneliness gets to me. I think it is a case of trying our best to live with it and coping as best we can. I dont think anyone can understand this feeling unless they have been through it themselves.

I try not to look ahead just live for the day and hope that tomorrow will bring a brighter and happier future.


Poppie xx

im afraid sweetheart the story is one a lot of us on here can relate to and after a paltry seven months of pasionate marraige 'apparently' being on a pedestal it all collapsed i dont know how you have managed to come so far after NINETEEN years of marraige and i wont patronise you by likening my situation to yours

one thing is universal, heartache. and TRUE heartache even when we 'know' that the person we love isnt right for us in whatever way, doesnt dull just 'because' they go with someone else, or just because they have done this or treated us shabbily and thats if we are lucky enough Not to have been to blame in any major way in OUR minds, is made no easier by being able to blame them for their shortcomings, because for me when i was alone in bed at night (and its been nearly six weeks so i am but a fledgling) i STILL have that vision of remembering his body, and wanting him near me and knowing hes with her.

i dont even hate her
she has done nothing more than be sad enough to wait for our inevitable marraige breakdown, the saddest thing is she was always GOING to be waiting they are 'right' for each other even i see that

it doesnt deaden the ache seeing how happy my kids are
its coming up to christmas and its ok for people to say 'focus on that' but ive no mum four kids few friends live in a tiny town where i cant even go for a drink and no life to speak of

how do i get through
to be honest i take it day by day
and people telling me to 'move on' and 'you should be doing this' and 'doing that' and i think 'scuse me look at YOU your having an affair so dont tell ME what to do i never did that to anyone' they are not the ones sat on their own surrounded by well loved children and nothing but the long dark nights and tv

it KILLS
or it did
for me the turning point came one dark night when i staggered into town and stupidly kissed someone, by myself how sad, BUT it did make me realise there ARE other men out ther WHEN and if thats what i want, it took another three days for me to realise that its NOT what i want and actually even at thirty six cuming up thirty seven i do have plenty of time for 'that' and i need way more time by myself

i DONT have a large family so you are so lucky
i am wondering if you are depressed, i went and got antidepressants the day after i threw him out because i knew the rollercoaster ride would be hard, and although their only mild they really have helped, yes i had three weeks of non stop crying, but i am 'through' that and sort of excited about being my own master of doing what i want when i want with whom or without whom i want

im now deciding that im going to do all those things i never did, im learning reiki, im going to to my english a level next year, and im going to somehow get a job in a voluntary organisition to get me out of the house, next march im going for full residency of my children, divorcing the numpty and moving, and im also planning on changing my image

im cooking roast meals for me and my small brood every sunday and im actually eating
somehow it must get better i wont concede defeat that the reason i did all this was to be happy and i beleive that i can be happy with my children and on my own withut a man tailing me, i also am going for counselling, people have said 'youve so much insight is this needed' well im doing it anyway to build myself up and ive discovered i really 'care' about myself in a way i didnt before putting others needs continually before my own

i do wonder if your lack of consistency feeling wise, though absoloutely understandable is linked to not only the deception and humilation he rained on you, but also a fear of your children 'flying the nest' and you being by yourself, and i also wonder if you having some counselling not 'im falling apart' counselling but 'im rediscovering myself' counselling may be really vital in helping you go over those feelings the utter shock that after nineteen years of saftey your net has gone

i think antidepressants would help 'even you out' and even some reiki or some holisitc therapy such as pilates yogs or even plain old swimming may really help you too

you need to understand there was nothing that could have been avoided. its no failure of yorus this happened. years ago people were in defunct marraiges for twenty thirty years, and they stayed there, my seventy year old aunt has been 'without' her husband in the marital sense for eight years but as die hard catholics theyl never divorce, they both live with other people and i ask, really, for the sake of appearances 'whats the point'

the point for you sweetheart is to TRY after a little support and more support than youve got at this time, and im not meaning a LACK of support (but people do expect you to move on quicker nowdays and you can only do what your able to and i of all people understand that, im still getting over my little mans heart surgery from last year and my mums death twenty years ago so i DO understand) to turn the situation round and ask yourself

'well blimey ive had a HELL of a time. Now ive got my thirteen year old to consider, but this is MY time, what would I like to do do i fancy travelling for a month, do i fancy getting involved in a charity drive, training to be a first aider, learning a different method of mediation, learning a lauguage joining a dating agency booking and saving for a foreign holiday as a newly single lady, or perhaps going hiking, climbing or sking with my son'

make goals
for me it was one hour then another
now its one week and then another
ive done a whole month and im proud

people can forever tell you your shortcomings but remember your 'husband' has shown his by having this mid life crisis and i also understand that as much as you love them you cant trust and respect them enough to put your own heart at risk again, i ADORED my husband i really did, and it wasnt just the kids that stopped me taking him back, in the end, i just didnt want to be hurt anymore

and what that should tell you is you ARE healing, you werent prepared able or whatever to take him back, that shows you do care about yourself and your future happiness now think about yoruself as a diamond which needs the rough edges smoothing out to reveal the pure and precious shine inside

go and get some counselling
be PROUD of it
im NOT ashamed in the least
im more togetehr than ive ever been
and for ME that is saying something

and consider me a friend if you ever need to wail
feel free to use my inbox to out pour you dont HAVE to recover any quicker than you want or need to this is YOUR journey nboody elses and making people feel better because they think you are ok is selfish you take what you need, baby steps support and plenty of time

hugs

Wow, 19 years. I cannot even begin to imagine how that hurts.

I second everything angelsmum said. You *will* get through it, one hour, one day, one week at a time. My only advice is feel what you feel, cry and laugh when you need to, embrace the pain and the joy. I learnt this from my Karate instructor who counselled me through a difficult period at work - we spent an hour in the dojo after each lesson, sitting in lotus and meditating, then went to the pub to talk. The meditations balanced my emotions and the talking resolved the conflicts.

I'm certain your family and friends understand that you are going through a massive trauma and will be up and down the emotional rollercoaster for a while yet. Let them worry about whether they can handle it - you need to lean on them so allow them to be there

This site is a great place to find the support you need. Have you tried the chat rooms? Everyone in there is supportive and kind, and it helped me a great deal just to talk to other people who can say "I know, I've been there."

Take care, and any time you need a friend, consider my inbox open.
Hugs xxx