Still in shock over the whole thing really

Hi,

When I first registered here I was thinking of leaving my wife and was feeling very scared about it. For the last 5 years she had been managing our finances and spending far more than we could afford. I have my own business and she was my company secretery.

I was working away during the week and home at weekends (not ideal, but I needed to earn enough to pay for all the spending she was doing and couldn't do this close to home).

I knew I needed to change things, but everytime I brought it up she managed to turn the conversation round to blaming me for something.

Every now and then she would say all the money had gone (never that "she" had spent it) and we couldn't pay the tax but had arrnaged a loan and would present it to me to sign. Each time I felt I had no choice as the tax wouldn't get paid without it so I signed it.

At the start of this year we found ourselves in the same boat as usual, but this time there was no loan available to pay off the tax. In the end my Mother lent us the money, which I felt awful about, but there seemed no other choice.

Since then I had been trying to get on top of managing the money (with lots of resentment from my wife) and we have just managed to get by each month, but my wife was becoming more and more unfriendly towards me.

As I mentioned, I joined the forum as I was thinking I would have to leave (while feeling really gulty about it and especially for our 3 children).

To cut a long story short I left about a month after joining wikivorce, but not for the reason I thought I would be leaving. I discovered what I thought was an affair starting up between someone on facebook. My wife kept saying he was just a friend and refused to stop sending him messages. It was this that made me finally decide to leave.

I moved in with my Father and there is no room for my children to stay their so I can only see them at the fhm where my wife and children still live. I can't afford to get a place of my own.

Since I left home I have found out that my wife is seeing this guy and he has stayed over at the fhm a number of times (she got her mum and a friend to have the children to stay, though I know at least one occassion he visited after the children were asleep). I have also found out that she was seeing the same guy some months ago.
She has told my eldest child 11 that we had been growing apart over the last few years and that is why we have split up. It makes me really sad to know that she has lied to them and I cannot tel them thetruth as it would make me look bad.

I am still reeling from this, but what makes it worse is how she is now behaving.

She hasn't told anybody about this guy and seems to be telling all her friends that I left her so she is the one who has been wronged and she seems to be getting loads of sympathy. I just found out that one of her friends as set her up on a date with someone her friend knows, and my wife is still seeing this other guy secretly.

I have been to see a solicitor and want to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery, but am unsure what will happen if my wife refuses to accept those grounds - there is still alot for me to find out about.

I am currently paying the mortgage and all bills and loans, but there is a loan in her name she took out without telling me a few years ago that has been getting paid from our joint account. I don't think I should be paying that (can't really afford to anyway) but not sure of whether I have to or not.

The worst thing is how hurt I feel over the whole thing. It seems like she is living the life of riley and seems to have no compassion at all for what she has done, either to me or the children. She was always an outgoing person and I have read so many other peoples posts who have had similar things happen to them.

There is a lot more I could have said, but this is turning into a novel so will end here for now.

Hi milou

I don't have any advice I'm afraid - just wanted to wlecome you and thank you for sharing your story. There are lots of peeps here who can relate to this and I'm sure you'll find a lot of support here

Shezi

Hi Milou

Welcome to wiki,

So sorry to read your story, but it is one that seems to be very common on here.

The trouble is, your wife has had time to adjust, you have not. Very often a spouse has moved on quickly leaving you to pick up the pieces and try to come to terms with what has happened.

She is trying to hide her guilt, but lying to friends, but they will find out the truth eventually.

You have to decide what you want to do, I understand that you have already moved out of the FMH and living with your father. Again that is common, the one that has the affair commands the situation. That is because they are way ahead of you emotionally and seem to be able to conduct with ease a hard and uncaring stance.

It will not make any difference trying to divorce on the grounds of adultery. Unless you have absolute proof, ie actual pictures of them 'at it' then it is a fruitless exhausting attempt.

I am sure that you will get some good advice from the people on here. Many as I said have been through the same as you, some still continue on their rocky journey.

Just for the moment, you take your time, get yourself into a well space so that you can think clearly and do not rush into anything.

take care, keep posting. Pop into chat, they are a friendly bunch.

Divorce Lawyer holds a legal surgery on Mon to Fri between 6pm and 8pm in the chat room. There might be a queue, but if you have any questions she will do her best to get to you.

chin up.

zara

Thankyou both for your comments.

There does seem to be huge number of very nice people on here, and it also seems that it is the people who have been wronged who are posting here.

I guess the other halves who caused the problems are just happy going off into their new lives thinking only about themselves and don't see any need to share experiences or offer support to anyone else.

It seems like the person who has been wronged in a marriage always ends up being the loser, boh during the marriage and in the aftermath. Maybe as I get to read through more posts on this site I may find that is not always the case. I certainly hope so.

There is a lot more to my story that I haven't dared mention for fear that my STBX (if that is the correct acronym) will see my post and realise it is me.

I hope I will be able to ask some of the questions I think I need to at some future point.

Thanks again - there really does seem to be some very kind people here and I hope one day I will be able to say something useful that will help others in the boats we have found ourselves in.

hi sorry to hear you are going through this and i could only concur with the words of the others who have replied, also though this ruse of "we were growing apart" - rather than"actually i ve been seeking and have had an affair - got someone else" is the one my ex tried using around the town, how civilised and nice and unemotional. he even told me that what he had done in order to protect me !!! so i retaliated by when people said that i said well actually the truth is nearer, we were having problems and rather than at least trying to deal wtih them he preferred to find someone else and have been open with that. i think it makes them feel better, even if a complete load of ....

good luck. rhi

I think it helps me if I regard myself as a survivor rather than a loser!

I've also gained a lot - far less housework now husband has moved out. No more listening to him shouting at me and the children. No rushing about to get his meals ready. No more missing my favourite programme because he wanted to watch the other side.

There are some pluses.

Mind you, I am only able to be so philosophical about it because I am on anti-depressants and have had 5 months' worth of counselling!

Best wishes.

Good luck Milou!

It's a horrid experience is this relationship breakdown stuff. Especially when it's finally out in the open and everyone knows and you know that you are being badmouthed about the place. But take heart, those that are listening to her you don't need to know right now.

Take control of everything that you can, bit by bit, then you will feel empowered and stronger. It's very satisfying to do.

You will see yourself mirrored in so many posts on here, it's uncanny. I doubt your STBX will visit here, I don't think mine would, even though he loved to spend hours on the PC talking to some very strange folk, but let's not go there right now. They are so certain that they are right that they don't need any help or support from wonderful peeps like those on Wiki.

There are ups and down, very many, I don't know how long it takes, we're on the same ride so let's belt up and hold on:blink:

Duck