A right mess!

Hi everyone,

This is a great site, it's a pity i didn't know about of its existence a couple of months ago...but better late than never!!

I'd welcome your advice on a number of aspects of my situation. It seems to have so many twists and turns that I've been worn right down...and I need to take control.

My wife moves out next week! After six years of marriage she has decided she doesn't love me, and rather than try to salvage anything that remains of the marriage, she's decided to move out with her children (children from her previous marriage).

While i'm very sad about this, it was no surprise really. I had recently discovered that she had two adulterous affairs over the last two years. Even though i was confronted with some overwhelming evidence (e-mail conversations between her and her lovers which left no room for doubt) She tried to cover her tracks and deny the affairs to the point where I began to question my own sanity and doubt what was written quite clearly in black and white!

However I stuck to my convictions, and my worst fears were confirmed when she admitted to both affairs!

Their was little remorse on her part, and she even expressed concern that I may have contacted one of her lovers through his e-mail address and scared him away!
I didn't...but this illustrates that even after having been caught out, my wife was more concerned for her lovers feelings then mine!

Thinking the very best, and for her children, I offered to put the past behind us and make a new start. This was greeted with a degree of indifference...so i know things could only get worse

However, more recently still, I stumbled across a series of very graphic cyber sex sessions between her and a "friend" which left me shocked and physically sick.

Anyhow this situation clearly couldn't continue, too much damage has been done. Naturally, my Wife views my frustrations and protestations over her activity as "Controlling"...and I just don't trust a thing she says anymore!...Total meltdown!

So where do I go from here.?..i think i have strong grounds to bring a divorce case based upon her admitted adultery and her unreasonable behaviour!

Despite everything that has gone on we are trying to be civil to each other.

Clearly I'm very concerned at the prospect of potentially carving up the family home, especially as I bought my home before I knew my wife and I have paid all the mortgage and major household bills to date...as well as contributing to expenses for her children.

My wife readily acknowledges this, and to her credit, she has consistently stated that she doesn't want to make a claim on my house!

If we are able to agree a position on marital assets and finances, is there a quick and simple way of processing a divorce petition which reflects our agreed position?

I earn more than my wife, would I have to pay her spousal maintenance...and for how long?

What about the children? While they are not mine, they have come to live in the family home during our marriage. Are they considered to be children of the marriage? and would i have to pay any form of maintenance for them?

At the moment, everything looks completely daunting, and I would welcome whatever help, guidance and support is out there.

I hope I haven't sent you all to sleep!

One step at a time!

Oh dear, doesn't look good, does it ?

It is a good thing that you and your wife are on speaking terms, and you should try and keep it that way. It is always better, if you can, to try and resolve the financial questions by mediation or negotiation. The problem can be, as most people on wiki will be happy to tell you, is that once your wife sees a solicitor, her attitude may well change.

The fundamental issue, if I may so suggest, is your children. A Court will regard their interests as paramount. That means that they, and indirectly their primary carer, need a home. If your wife is having an adulterous affair, she may of course, move in with him which may explain her willingness to forego any claim to the house. Although it is of course emotionally hurtful for you to see your wife playing happy families with someone else, the fact remains nonetheless that, if she does this, her housing needs are met. Your position is very much more precarious if
there is no third party and both husband and wife are making a claim on the same house, and there has to be a loser. In the vast majority of cases, the husband will lose out where there are children involved.

You will have to pay child support in accordance with the CSA formula and there is really little or no scope for argument or negotiation about that,

But spousal maintenance - well yes, it must be a possibility if you are the higher earner ; but here again, if she sets up home
with Mark 2, then there are two incomes coming into the household and that would have ( from your point of view )
a beneficial effect because it would tend to reduce any spousal maintenance.

The only other thing I have to say is, do try and limit the period for which any spousal maintenance has to be paid. Courts sometimes make ' joint lives orders ' which last until the death of the payer or payee OR the re-marriage of the payee. It is all to easy for such an order to finish up as a meal ticket for life, if you are not careful.

I think that is all I can say at the moment, and will hopefully be off to the USA tomorrow, but I hope this will be helpful to some extent.

Mike

HI Mike,
Great advice as usual from you but I was just wondering why does he have to pay CM when they are not actually his children?? I think they are his wifes children from a previous marriage??

I agree with fluffy,

Surely the children's father is supporting them, why should she receive 2 sets of child maintenance??

And.. if her ex is not supporting his children, why?
Perhaps she should be applying to the children's biological father to support them!!!

Sorry, my mistake.

I had forgotten the children were not yours. The natural father of the child should pay, and that, of course, is part of her income regardless of its source.

Thanks for pointing this out folks.

Mike