Hello All,
My name is Jacquie and I have 4 wonderful children 1 from my previous marriage.
Myself and my husband have really had problems since the beggining of our marriage and it really came to a head on our recent holiday. I had full responsibility with the finances and to be honest don't think I did a good job as we always seemed to be in debt yes my husband worked hard to earn the money but that was it just bringing home the bacon as they say just wasn't enough I needed emotional support too we have been marriad 14 years on the 26th of this month. Well like I said the holiday was a real turning point for me as I just thought and felt that things could not stay as they were. I could see that he wasn't happy either I think that I have always tried to get a reaction from him even bad would have been something I think the problem is he should never have got involved with someone with a child and we should never have had children together. He is very child like and always asks me what to do in the past we have had countless arguement about him beeing there more for the children anyway things started to get really bad when our daughter who is 12 accused him of not making any decisions and always telling her to ask me. Well as I said the holiday was a real clincher everyone feels sorry for H and he likes it that way example is it was cold on holiday and getting colder I suggested getting jackets for the children we started looking and my dad who was on holiday with us said that H needed a coat I said fine tell him to get one H replied no its ok she doesn't want me to get one which then turned into an arguement between myself and my dad I informed my dad that as a grown man if he wanted a jacket he should just get one but no he didn't and then sulked about being cold.Just one of the many awkward occasions.
Anyway on our return from holiday he said we needed to talk and asked me what was wrong well it all came spilling out I told him that I was so miserable and that he surely couldn't be happy in the current situation he agreed he wasn't he asked me if I loved him and I said not in the way I should but that I cared about him alot he asked me what I thought we should do now I told him that maybe we should split but that I really didn't want him to feel that I was pushing him out the door so suggested speaking to the council about him getting a place but that there would be no problem with him staying at the family home until we could sort something out to which he answered fine I suppose you want to keep the car as it's in your name (we have 2 cars well I have a family car he has a new car that he uses for work) he asked what we were going to do about the debts we had I said that I really hadn't thought that far ahead and that if we needed to we could possibly sell my car to clear some debt up he replied OK well if that's what you want.
The following day he went out (to see his parents) when he came back he was really off and asked how long I had been planning this I said I hadn't planned it but that the situation wasn't getting any better he asked why I had got the house decorated and purchased new furniture back in April (he was with me when we brought the furniture) He then said that he hadn't been happy since January ????? I am quite sure his mum or dad brought up about the furnitue and decorating. I asked if that was what he thought of me and that if I had planned it like he said why hadn't I built up a little nest egg. He said well it seems that you have made up your mind do you fancy a quickie one last time. I was mortified but just said I don't think so. We didn't speak the next day as he was at work and in the evening when he ws going to bed at 9pm he said do you want the kids in bed I said yes it is late for them they are 10 and 8 he immediately went into the other room and said "Come on Kids your Mum wants you in bed" he has always done that made everything my decision then the kids moan and groan and make me feel like the bad guy. The following day he was off work and suggested that we sort things out I said fine what do you want to sort out he said well I have found out that your car is worth 2000 I have been to the council and they won't help and we have got to sort the finances out "Do you want me to take you down the Social" I was horrified and said no way I work (part time self employed) he said well jack the job in and you will get more benefit I said no way I suggested conatacting the CAB but ended up making an appointment with
mediation which he was happy with then he asked me again how long I had been planning allthis to which I responded I haven't been planning anythig I am just telling you how I feel and how unhappy we both are then he said right so when do you want to tell the children to which I replied not untill there is something to tell them he answered well I am going tommorrow so we will have to tell them tonight. I was so shocked I just nodded. He then left the room and made a coffee when he came back he cuddled me which I found weird and said never mind jacq I am sure you will find some one that can make you happy any chance of a quickie OH MY GOD was all I could hear in my head. I declined the offer.
That evening the children were watching the telly and he said right come on then lets tell them I said that I didn't want to as I knew how hurt they would be he said well it's got to be done he said do you want me to start so I said well yes you want to tell them. He told the children that he was leaving and that we didn't love each other anymore he started crying as you can imagine they were very upset. I felt tottaly gutted for them within 30 minutes and once they had calmed down he said right come on then kids time for bed they were very upset I settled them by telling the 2 youngest that they could sleep in dads bed they were a litle happier and went to bed he then came down and said oh well that's that done then I really couldn't believe his blazey attitude "No chance now then that the kids are in our bed" (he meant sex) I just looked at him in shock.
Next day he packed his stuff and gave me the door key and said while hugging me sorry I couldn't make you happy. Do you thin we could be friends. I replied I hope so for the children he said well you never now maybe we can all go out for dinner sometime. I will ring you about seeing the kids.
Just before leaving, for 14 years he has been my eldest daughters Dad she is 17 and, all he could do was kiss her on the cheek and say look after yourself.
I think I was numb for a few days just going through the motions then he rang to say he was going to have the kids I said fine but he said I had to sort out the finances I got some advice from debtline and established my debts he came round and I told him that he may have to give me around £950 per month so that everything could get payed to which he replied well I haven't got that sort of money my job is going down the pan?????? I said that I would try and manage and even put money in our joint account to cover the Direct Debits. The mediation setion really didn't go so well he told them how bad his job was looking although the woman did say well your priorities are for those children so you need to pay maintenance. She suggested taking into account his bad pay to come and suggested £419per month he said well if I haven't got it to which I responded (foolishy) do you know what don't worry I will manage. When we left the mediation centre he started getting frisky in the lift I told him that it was inappropriate to which he replied yeh but I still find you sexy I pushed him away. Outside he said look I will try and get you some money maybe we could start at £200 per month I was so overwhelmed by it all I said do you know what don't worry I will work something out. Well since then he has had the kids a few times and being the dad I always wanted him to be but cracks are showing already. I have moved all the Direct Debits that are in my name to my own account as requested by him I know I can't afford them but I feel so confused and just want things to slow down I want a peacefull life no more drama at least while I get my head sorted out and to top it off he has told me that his Mum and Dad are buying him a new bed as he doesn't like the one he is sleeping on at his parents house and my 12 year old daughter rings him all the time and he tells her that he isn't working as there isn't any work and when she says when can we see you he replies well I am not sure as I am going out with my mates tonight everyone seems to be feeling sorry for him even the children when I told my 12 year old that I wan't sure what was happening for her birthday on the 17th she said well dad says its upto you if I see him on my birthday PLEASE PLEASE give me the strength to get through this. To date I have used all my business cash to pay rent and shopping since we split and now I am really struggling then he suggest do we need to talk about anyhting when I asked what about he said well I didn't know if you wanted to see me about anything I really think that he wants me to want him back but all I keep thinking is that well if you really wanted us why did you leave so quickly. I think he thinks he would be doing me a favour by being back here and letting things go back to how they were.
HELP HELP HELP need some serious help as to what to do and how to get my head heart and finances sorted.
If you have managed to read this thank you.
Jacquie
