Sorry for long ramble on, feeling sad and rejected

Hi
I've been lurking around this site for a little while and thought it was time I joined in. I have been married for 23 years (together for 28) have two children 14 and 16, and my husband has told me he doesn't love me hasn't for years and that he's leaving.
He started to grow distant back in Sept 07 and things didnt get any better over Christmas and I asked him if there was someone else and he denied it but instinctively I knew there was because he had had an affair before our first child was born.
I asked him to talk to me and work things out but he just kept blaming me for wanting the house (that we were building at the time), and how he didnt want to be tied to a mortgage, when what he should have been saying is that he didn't want to be tied to me and the kids. He started getting text messages late at night, taking his phone into the bathroom with him and being very hostile and angry at me.
I finally got confirmation in June 08 of what I had suspected, by him leaving his phone unguarded and finding messages from the woman he had the affair with 16 years ago and how she "couldn't wait to hold him in her arms again". We are currently living overseas and this woman is still in the UK and I then found out he's booked himself a plane ticket and was going on "holiday" back to UK, at a time when I was struggling to buy the kids school supplies etc. When I confronted him he denied it all until I pointed out that I had read his phone to which he got very angry. He panicked a little then and cancelled the trip (blaming me for losing the money).
We've had talks of whether we can reconcile but the trust is gone. He had his second chance and blew it. He says he doesn't love me and it really hurts because unfortunately I can't just switch off my feelings as he has done. We can't sell the house (which we moved into in April) because the gardens arn't finished and was going to be an ongoing thing but now have to scrape to get it done asap. He's refused to move out because he wants to stay with the kids until the house is sold, then he's told them its "highly likely" he'll leave them and go back to UK.

I alternate between being really sad the boys will not have their dad around and sad that he obviusly didn't love me the way I loved him, and angry that the times when I thought we were happy, he has now made a lie.

I'm angry at the OW, who's still single and childless for chasing a married man all those years ago and and still chasing him even though she's now breaking up a family. I'm also angry at my stbx in that he takes no blame and its all my fault for wanting a nice home for my family.

I hate all these feelings of hate and revenge, but I cant help feeling resentful that he can just brush aside all the years we had together and walk off into the sunset with no responsibilities, have a girlfriend he can move in with, whereas once we sell the house I can only afford to rent and the rental market here is almost non-existant, so I don't know if we will have a roof over our heads.

I have good days and bad days but this week for some reason I keep bursting into tears and thinking how unfair life is. It hurts to see the person you thought you'd share your life with look at you like they hate you. I know I'm not the only one in this position but at the moment I'm feeling a bit "poor me" and I want to move on but its hard because he's still here.

Sorry its such a long ramble, but thats my story.

SammyP

Hi Sammy,
You are definetly not alone...and have found a great source of support here. Give yourself time as you have a lot to cope with...as for rambling....ypur post was short for a first!!! There are many people here that can relate to how you feel....dont be alone
Take care
Elle

Hi Sammy

I am sorry you are going through all of this. It is a very hard situation.

It is ok to feel all that you are going through at the minute. You need to go through it. I felt the same - i thought we were happy and all of that.

Its also good to acknowledge the good days and celebrate them, because the bad days will come, but at least you will be prepared for them a bit better. It will get better...but its not easy.

Wiki offers alot of support so please do come here and ramble or cry or scream away..it is ok...

just take care of yourself and your boys.
good luck
claudette x

Hi Sammy

You are not alone. This is where you find out how true that is. When I first found this site I was shocked at how common my story is. I felt my story was painfully cliche.

This site provides great support not only for the information it provides but also the people here are fantastic. They are helpful, supportive and non-judgemental plus they have been through similar if not exactly the same.

I want to share a bit of my story with you. He had an affiar (may be still going on) and blamed me for it . For years he was always critical of me and of the house and of everything. The more he compained the more I tried to please him. I knew he was wrong in his criticism but I tried to please him nonetheless. But there was no pleasing him.

Now I learnt that actually all his complaining is a reflection on him not me. It is his insecurites, his troubles, his inability to sort himself out that's talking. There is nothing wrong with me or my house or the life we had. Nothing is perfect of course, but by all accounts what we had, what I thougth we had was very very good.

so when yours starts criticising or complaining and blaming you for anything, tip the whole thing on its head and think it is his guilt that's talking. his fear of losing his wife and kids, and the house. his fear of ending up with this woman knowing she can never be you. He's had 28 years with you, no one can erase that.

take heart dear Sammy. it is a rough ride but you will ride it and come out smiling in the end.

Best of Luck
Rani

Hi Sammy

Welcome to wiki,

The feelings that you are experiencing are perfectly normal, it is one awful rollercoaster ride of emotions. You will just have to buckle yourself in and go with it.
Dont be afraid to cry, crying is a form of release, cry as much as you like!! Anger is also an emotion that we experience, it helps deaden pain. After a while the anger will go and that is when your survival mechanism will kick in.

Very interesting though his comments, he does not want to be tied down, with the kids, but he wants to stay WITH THEM until it is all over. Me thinks he knows that he is not going to just be able to walk away. He will, financially, be shocked if he thinks that. But.. I would say that his comments lead me to believe that he already knows that. He has nowhere to go at the moment, so staying with his 'kids' will make life easier for him.


Dont forget, he has had time to adjust to what he wants and is much further up the emotional ladder than you are.
He has had time to plan in is mind what he wants, you have not and that is why you are still spinning!!!

You need to take advice as soon as possible, if you go to the Forum.. at the top of each thread Divorce Lawyer has set out some questions, answer these and then you will get a rough idea as to what any financial settlement might be.

Dont even bother going down the 'trying to prove he commited adultery' route, unless you have evidence, it will just wait time and money.

Once you have rough idea of any settlement, you can give the number at the top of the page a call, for your free half hour advice, at least then you will be informed of what he can and cannot do.

Dont sign anything, dont do anything, just stay where you are. He will have to support you and the children.

Wiki is a great place to receive good advice and if you want, some tea and sympathy. So use wiki as much as you can.

take care, and try and stay strong.

zara

Thanks for your support and good wishes. The rational part of me knows that I can survive this, that I'm not the only one to ever experience this, but the emotional me is stuck feeling like a bit of a victim at the moment and its a role I'm not enjoying too much.

Reading about those of you that have survived and come out the other end ok gives me hope that one day I'll feel like me again and all this will be a bad dream never to be repeated. So thanks once again.
Sammy