heads messed up

My head is messed up, I cannot stop the constant headaches. I have been married for 10years have two fantastic children aged 7 and 4. I left my home in March this year, I could not take any more. My wife and I were like brother and sister or two lodgers rattling around in the house, I was accused of groping her and only wanting her for one thing etc... We had sex 4 time in 4 years and was the fore front of our bickering. As time went on this turned to resentment and like i said in March I left to try and get away from the pain and rejection. After a couple of months I met someone by chance and she made me feel so loved it was unbelievable and I am still with this woman. My wife or x2b has also met someone else too that makes her happy. I am in constant turmoil because I miss my children so much, even though i see them 3/4 times aweek and speak to them at least twice aday.The thought of some other guy tucking them up in bed at night is like a knife stabbing me in the heart. My wife and I have had our battles about the divorce and money etc. I still pay half the mortgage and money for the kids each month and they want for nothing. My wife threw me a curve ball the other day and asked if i thought we could give it another try. I told her i didn't know and we decided to go out for a drink to see if there was anything there between us, the funny thing was we both sat there and talked about how good our new partners were and how they made us happy. My wife told me she loves me but isn't in love with me, i felt it was like going out for a drink with a friend. We both wanted something to be there because of the children and the family unit i suppose. My wife suggested that we carry on seeing the people that we are seeing but remain friends and in her words who knows what may happen ??? I don't know if I can do this , on one hand I love my new partner that I am with but on the other am I failing the kids ?

Hi Mark

IMO no. You are in the lucky position that you can talk to your stbx about how you both feel - sounds like there is no animosity, anger or accrimony. You both admit that you are happier with new partners and that you had problems in the marriage. The fact that you are able to remain friends is very very good for the children.

It doesnt sound to me like you are doing the wrong thing - in my view, unhappy parents that stay together just for the children does not make for a good atmosphere, children will know when people are in love and when they are not. Children will look at other parents and compare, I did not want my children to grow up thinking that you just had to put up with stuff and plod along.

Its not easy when you part and there is a lot of guilt involved around the children and whats best for them. As long as you see them regularly, tell that that you love them, reassure them, be there for them and support them I dont think that its letting them down at all.

I am sure that a marriage has to be because it makes you two happy, then the childrens happiness will be there. As long and your stbx and you are happy, it makes for better parenting and happier children.

The guilt is unbearable at times regarding the kids, my x2b never really wanted them and I was the one that spent more time bringing them up. I lay in bed at night and see their faces tucked up in their beds and wish i could have tucked them in,on the other hand when the stay with me Iwatch them fall asleep while i read to them. How do I get passed the other bloke thing, him being around my kids ??

Mark

First of all and most importantly, you are NOT failing your children. I haven't been in the same position as you, but I can quite imagine how horrid it must be to think of another person putting your children to bed etc.

But you are doing well to see them and talk to them so often; not many fathers manage this for all sorts of reasons. Is there a chance that they could come and stay with you for a couple of nights or so?

You and your wife are good friends (like brother and sister you say - and that is evidentally part of the problem), and you must do everything you can to maintain that for the sake of the children.

Whilst you are both happy with your new lovers, she is obviously thinking about getting back together and, I suspect, so are you. Therefore, it might be an idea to go to Relate for some counselling. Undoubtedly, this will upset your lovers, so there is a risk there.

Failing that, could you and your wife sit down again and talk about your relationship, what went wrong with it, what you would like to happen. I have a feeling that, last time, you both spoke about your new relationships because you didn't want to confront the issues of your marriage. So this time, you both have to agree and promise beforehand to talk only about the marriage. It sounds as though you can be completely open and honest with eachother about your hopes and fears etc, so be quite candid - and you never know what might happen.

I hope things work out for the best - whatever tht might be.

We have spoke about what went wrong and why, when i met my wife she was a size 16 when i left she was a size 32. I never stopped loving her though and still love her even now., she would't change wouldn't get help, it put a strain on everything she wouldn't come to the park with the kids , go swimming, etc. she didn't work but I still found myself getting up in the morning ironing the kids stuff for school for that day, showering them and making them breakfast before she got up and took them to school and I went off to work. she would never go on the pill either which takes a lot of the spontaneous closeness away. when I left she was down to have the gastic bypass and since has had it done, she has shed 7 stone in 7 months, she is not the person I left nor the person I married. She says she is a lot happier in herself and she is now on the pill with her new lover. I feel bitter about this because she wouldn;t do it for her husband while we were together and she always wanted me to got for the snip. She says she has changed and the closeness and the intimacy would be there. she admits that she loves her new bloke but can't stop wondering what if.... and now she has got me doing the same