New to wikivorce and need some advice

Hi all,
For the last 7 weeks I have been trying to come to terms that my wife has asked for a sepeartion as "she loves me but isn't in love with me". I have known her for 10 years and been married for 6 of them. We have two gourgeous children who are under 6 years old.

This came as a complete shock which I'm still trying to come to terms with. Her main reason is that she isn't happy with her life and felt I would be happier if we got divorced. She also felt that I no longer loved her or was ever really in love with her to start with.

As soon as she told me I started to look for resons why and to find out what she had been texting/emailing all of her friends and family. So after checking her mobile and internet websites, I discovered that she was using facebook & speeddate to talk to over men and had met up with at least 1 of them for a afternoon coffee. Of course I don't know for sure that nothing else happened but I certain that the relationship was very short and was ended that day.

I also know that up to 1 week ago she was still texting, calling and using msn to speak to another man. She said this wasn't sexual but she needed to speak to someone who was going through a seperation. I know this other man is also seperated as I have seen his profile.

Of course I'm not happy about this and my trust in her has all but gone.

She explained that the last 6 months I have becoming more distant from her and not showing her less and less affection. Looking back I can see she was correct and I had started to take her for granted as I thought she was quite contented and wouldn't leave me. Looking back I can see that she had also started to become more distant from me but hadn't realised it then.

During the last 7 weeks there has been a lot of heated discussions and especially for me a rollar coaster ride of emotions.

Two weeks ago I stayed in a B&B for 3 nights to give her some space. During this time I wrote her a love letter explaining how much I loved her and we could make it work but her response was "I know you love me but I don't love you anymore". When I got back she said she wanted a proper seperation for at least 3 months.

I found a shared house and moved in yesterday. Before I left last night she gave me a big hug and was also upset to see me go (I'm now getting very confused!). Then at 9 o'clock she texted me asking me "Have I made a mistake?".

I called her back (I hate texting) and said the only person who knows the answer to that question is you. She informed me she had been crying most of the night and was upset. She also didn't want me to talk about divorce anymore. We decided we should still seperate for at least 1 month to see how we both felt then.

The only thing that has changed over the last 7 days is that I decided to get on with my life and if she doesn't want me then I will try and get divorced as quickly as possible.

I'm now really confused and don't know what to make of all this. I do really want to make our marraige work but don't want to waste another 10 years of my life with somebody who doesn't know if they love me or not and is capable of seeing other men behind my back?

Any help/advice would be appreciated. Thank you...

Hi jonny,
welcome to wiki.
I know it is a very sad and difficult time for you.
If you still love your wife I suggest you both try counselling,it is easier to give up ,you are hurt now so your reactions will be different fro your true feelings.If she agrees to it ,then there is a good chance that you might have a better marriage.
good luck,
come to chat for some suppport and company,you can just rant and rave,will do you good
take carexxxxx

She explained that the last 6 months I have becoming more distant from her and not showing her less and less affection. Looking back I can see she was correct and I had started to take her for granted as I thought she was quite contented and wouldn't leave me. Looking back I can see that she had also started to become more distant from me but hadn't realised it then.

Hi

My ex husband also threw that line at me, but what he failed to realise too was, that he was conducting an affair. Unfortunately that seems to be a great line to feed when you have done something that you should not have,just blame the other party.

What they fail to realise is, how do you cope when your spouse is messing around and they become distant and cold, how do you respond. How many times did you ask, 'what is wrong' and get, 'nothing'?
You will be confused. It is called 'Push and Pull'
One minute they push you away, and the next they pull you back. This all seems to be on their 'terms' because you are the one that wants to try and make a go of your marriage.

Take time, dont rush, think about what YOU want to do.
If you want to try again, then you need to get some counselling to try and understand what exactly has gone 'wrong'.

Dont blame yourself, these things happen, it is just that some spouses take that time of a 'blip' to find themselves.

Take care and keep posting
zara

Your emotions and your wife's will be in turmoil. Perhaps some space and time is what you both need to decide what you want in the future.

Hi

I was new to this not that long ago and the forum really helped me so hope it helps you too. From my own perspective I'd offer a couple of thoughts:

First if you can try and re-build your marriage. If it works then great and if not at least you know you have tried. But you both need to want to save your marriage and you both need to be prepared to really work at it via counselling etc. One person can destroy a marriage but it takes two to save it. (sure someone told me that)

Can you trust your wife or can you forsee being able to rebuild the trust via counselling or something similar? If you can't then I would think that it will be a long hard road to rebuild your marriage - trust is vital for the long haul.

If you decide that you and your wife can't fix this then I would say start divorce proceedings and move on. A fair few people were amazed and horrified when I petitioned for divorce a mth after my husband left me saying he wanted kids all of a sudden and had met someone else he thought he had a future with. But we had hit rocky patches before when he was looking for something else and no amount of quality time, counselling overcame that and I knew that we had tried but this time it was final. I also cold bloodledly knew that allowed me to protect myself and my assets and stop me taking him back (and yes he has asked) because I was scared or lonely or stupid - we would still have had issues. Hence if you are sure it is over I think it is better to move on.

Most of all remember to look after yourself and make the most of friends and family and this forum. I wish you well.

xx

Firstly thank you all for responding.
I have decided to wait a few weeks and see what happens with the wife now she is at home with the kids by herself. I'm fairly sure she is going through some sort of mid life crisis and isn't happy because her life isn't as she had hoped and thinks I'm the main reason behind this.

At the moment I don't call or contact her unless she calls me and whenever we meet I always appear to be happy and coping with the situation. I feel this is the best way forward, as who would want to be with a heart broken, sad and disperate man.

I'm baby sitting tonight and once again she has said there is still a chance of us getting back together but I'm not sure if this is because she is now realising how lonely & scary it will be to bring up 2 small children by herself and only limited support from me. She has also told me that she was very upset on Tuesday and couldn't stop crying. Not sure what response she was expecting from me, but I didn't give her one at all. I'm not playing her "push & pull" games anymore and she needs to be the one who wants me back without any pressure from me.

I'm still worried about her talking to other men and if I will ever be able to trust her again, but I suppose I will never know if I don't give it a try. As I have 2 small children who I love dearly it's worth risking the heart break that I may have to go through again at a later date.

I will let you all know how it goes but last week I think I had a 10% chance of saving my marriage but now I think it's gone up to about 25%. But I need to be careful that I don't get my hopes up to high.

Once again thank you all for your helpful advice.