Looking for a solicitor

Hello. New to this. Hoping please for advice about a good solicitor - thanks. My wife has just petitioned for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. We have 3 children, aged 16, 14, 11. We are each aged 48. She had a 5 year long affair, but says it ended 2 years ago. I had forgiven her then, and we were rebuilding. In my former job as a freelance television director I used to travel too much, perhaps 3 months of the year, 2 weeks at a time, so I felt partly responsible. She felt the separation was impossible for her, but never told me so at the time. I resolved never to be apart so much again. It felt like a vital, lucky second chance for us and our children. When we got back together in January 07, we cashed out all our other savings, ISA's etc, and more than doubled the mortgage on our home to invest in 2 buy to let properties. Becoming buy to let landlords seemed a potential source of more stable, less unpredictable additional income (I know...) I would still have to work in TV, but gradually, hopefully, travel less, so we could spend more time together.

Then... the recession hit, I had far less work, for lower fees, and our income dropped by 70%. My wife resigned from her half-time job as a hospital doctor in March, saying she was getting too old for the irregular hours. I sympathised, but it did hurt our income further. The financial pressure kept rising,£30,000 on credit cards and bank overdraft, £60,000 in back taxes owed (we deferred paying tax to buy the properties). We lost one of our tenants in August. I wanted to sell, since was worried the market heading only one way - down. We had bought quite well so would still at that time have made a 10% profit.

My wife refused. Suddenly said she wanted a divorce. Said it was nothing to do with her previous lover, but that she could not stand my anxiety re money, felt it was a covert anger directed at her, a way of punishing her for her affair. Subjectively I did not feel that, had felt in fact that the only way forward in the marriage was genuine, real forgiveness. I admit I had found the infidelity devastating at the time,but still loved her and certainly wanted to salvage the family if at all possible for the sake of our children. I could see that nurturing a grievance would be fatal, and it would have been more honest to have parted if I couldn't forgive her. But I did not feel a lingering grievance, I felt instead just very concerned that we are in dire financial straits which she does not acknowledge. Denial seems all.

Perhaps mistakenly, I have moved out of our home, into the now empty rental property, a studio flat, because I thought it would be more stable for the children and I found it difficult to remain as cheerful as she permanently requires. I felt I had at all costs to concentrate on getting a job, and try to deal with our financial situation or we would go from bad to worse. Not least because, to add to the fun, our fixed rate mortgages reset in January to much higher rate.

I have just been hired for a 6 month contract as a TV executive in London, for a quarter of the money I used to make. It only covers 50% of our overhead. But it's a fresh start, with a good company, and may lead to better things. I now have time to focus on the divorce.

My wife has hired an expensive London solicitor, whose main concern is to tell me I should not come back to the family home since I have now left it, and that I must write to him saying what proposals I wish to make. And wants my form E as soon as possible.

The Form E is due to be filed with the court in a month. First hearing is late January. Her application for ancillary relief makes no acknowledgement of our changed circumstances and just requests all the money we used to spend 2 years ago. Her lover is a lawyer. I don't know if she is back with him or not...

If we sell everything we will have about £200K of equity, plus my pension of £150K and hers of £50K.

My questions are:

1) Any recommendations for a good solicitor in or near London? Concerned about hypocrisy and rhetoric about minimising costs, then the letters happen to fly at £300 a time, which has been my experience in other legal arenas, similar to most self-regulated professions. But you can;t negotiate a flat fee, which I understand. I of course feel wounded, but also understand that it's called no fault divorce for a reason. Am I right that adultery, wife's financial denial irrelevant to eventual outcome in financial and access orders? So desires for battle and revenge and vindication not helpful. Spoke to one famously aggressive solicitor, who usually acts for wives, who said move back in immediately. If she threatens to call the police, tell them to call me. I understand that I have the right to do this, and have never been violent, nor would ever be, so police not material, but feel it would be very upsetting for the children and I'm not sure what it would achieve in the long run. I get the argument that judges tend to affirm the status quo to minimise disruption for the children, but not sure that justifies the inevitable months of attrition under one roof. My friends are worried that I will be too conciliatory and need someone who yes won't go to war, but will be robust and firm. Say don't economise, get someone just as expensive and prominent. NOt sure that's good advice. While emotionally terrible, the legal issues seem relatively straightforward, yet you always hear about fathers feeling very badly treated by the courts. Not sure about this, and what to watch out for...

2) Until properties can be sold (difficult in this market) I'm currently living in a 20' x 20' studio flat, which I feel is unsuitable for the children to stay with me. Is it reasonable to suggest that we alternate weekends being with the children in the family home? My wife's parents have a house nearby where she could stay.

3) Can I stipulate that her lover is not to visit or stay in the family home? He is a former lawyer, does not now work, lives in a large house given to him by his wealthy ex-wife, who pays all their children's expenses, and gives him an allowance for life. Yes, I know...

4) I'm sure I don't know what else I don't know, since doing this for the first time - what else should I be thinking about? Thanks in particular for any thoughts.

That's it - sorry so long. Best of luck to all here and thanks for the site. Trying to take the Road Less Traveled to minimise bitterness and cost, and to remember that our children will always need and love us both. Very grateful for any feedback or advice from any of you further along the road with better vision, experience and perspective.

LessTraveled wrote:

Very grateful for any feedback or advice from any of you further along the road with better vision, experience and perspective.

Hello LessTraveled;

Stop at our transport cafe that is wikivorce and put your feet up.

There is so much learned experience here that many have said they have saved thousands - learning in a few hours of reading: what sols may take months to explain.

OK: So the Cost issue. Firstly were your wife to have this run to a Final Hearing in Ancillary relief proceedings (which sounds like the route her sols would take) means one thing's for sure: You can expect to kiss goodbye half your asset pot which will be needed to pay their fees.

You are not the McCartneys; her paying top lawyers to profit from your pain seems rediculous! Many wiki users will warn you of fees; many paying £60,000 for protracted proceedings.

It's not rocket science how the sums are done. The Courts would consider the housing needs of both parties; giving priority to the children and the parent with care.

Regardless of why the marriage is over, regardless of what you've done to salvage it, and regardless of who is morally right; the reality is there is a no blame system and usually the person that initiates the proceedings fares far better; especially if they are the parent-with-care.

If you have a look at the fixed posts in the Ancillary Relief threads (see the Financial section) and answer all the questions Divorce Lawyer posts: then wiki users with experience will give you a ball-park figure of what you can expect.

After that; you can make a proposal to her solicitors; and only then if it were to become protracted would I personally use a solicitor. A solicitor works like a secretary, and as you know, at £300 per letter that adds up! You can offer your wife mediation; and each will then have to go to a solicitor to check your agreements are fair and have it all drawn up in to a Consent Order for the court to approve.

If you move back in to the house; you can expect your ex to start Occupation Order proceedings, (mine did; and despite no violence to him, I was evicted and Ordered to pay his fees of £18,000) these proceedings were brought about by his lawyers. My husband had a drug problem, asked for my help, offered me a new bed and booked for us to attend Relate. His lawyers cancelled Relate, cancelled his pyschiatrists meetins - all in the name of getting their hands on our money.

DO NOT BUY IN TO THE SOLICITORS WRANGLING.

You have a studio room to reside in. There is no point in returning to the marital home. You'd get kicked out on the grounds that you have a second home to occupy anyway.

You'll get lots of emotional help here; and you'll get a good idea of how things will work financially when you've posted more detail.

Sera
x

Hi yraveled,
Sera types well of experience and gives sound advice....i agree you should take time out gather as much info as poss and digest this before any decision....i wish you well
Elle

LessTraveled wrote:

we are in dire financial straits which she does not acknowledge. Denial seems all.(quote]

The very sad FACT of divorce is that you can only split what is there now. Many of us lived in better times, and certainly as two busy working professionals you had a life that will not now be upheld with the losses of your income (as a fellow creative - I understand the down-turn) and your wifes reluctance to work long hours.

She may be in denial; because the truth is too hard to swallow. But with the debts you have, the negative equity you face and the limited equity in the marital home - you really need to disuade her away from expensive Costs.

A friend of mine with a house and two-bed flat went to Kingston court (Surrey) and his case cost £80,000 last year. Another friend pulled out of legal proceedings at £100,000 becuase of complicated business valuations...

You're better off using the money to house your kids. How stupid can a doctor be!?

Here's the questions Divorce Lawyer asks: the replies will determine if the fight will be worth it?

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...G-IN-THIS-FORUM.html

Please consider mediation. If you don't know much about it, there is now an article on the subject in the WikiVorce library (click on Free Resources).

To give you an idea of the potential savings, I heard of a case the other day where the husband was given an indication of costs of £90,000 and his wife £50,000 by their solicitors; the mediator was going to quote under £10,000 to be split between them.

If you like the idea of mediation, do try to get your wife to consider it but don't over-promote it as she might think there is some covert reason why you want her to go down this route.

If she likes the idea, the next step is to find a good mediator and put the solicitors on hold.

You will find some mixed reports of mediation on this site, as some people here have not had such a good experience - but not all mediators are poor. To some extent, you probably get what you pay for - some mediators will only see the couple together, others will see them separately which might make things more expensive. Some produce a quick memo of who gets what, others do as much as they can to help keep legal expenses as low as possible.

Anyway, which ever route you go down, I wish you good luck and I hope it is not too expensive or too agressive.


Moderators Note:
This post has been edited.

I totally agree with the Mediation route. However, when the ex refuses to budge from 'expecting everything' or refusing to recognise what there is; and wanting to uphold a lifestyle of bygone days (!) Mediation becomes pointless. As many wiki users have experienced a stubborn ex refusing to budge and wanting their day in court can wipe out much of the marital asset; leaving us paying for both mediation and then court.

It's all a Gamble. It gets resolved when you can either no longer afford any more money on fees; or give in to intimidation from her and her aggressive lawyers. (I'm in the latter catagory)

Sera is quite right - if the other side is an immovable object, there is not much than can be done.

I suppose the trick is to persuade the immovable object that it is in his/her best interests to, at least, consider mediation.

The arguments might be:
that there is nothing to lose by considering it,
that there could be substantial financial savings and
that, as you are going to have to have a continuing relationship on account of the children, it is important to keep the animosity to a minimum (which mediation can help to achieve).