Should I stay or should I go?

Hi

What a sad story. It sounds like you are in a very difficult place. I understand how you feel about being with someone you don't really love anymore. You sound as though you have built up so much resentment towards him and this can bring you down so much as he will grate on you more and more as the months roll on if you don't act soon. Its pretty clear you have a communication problem - lack of connection. He is not hearing you and not understanding your concerns about looking for a full time job to support you.

However you have a young daughter and you say money is tight and times are hard. That is a lot of pressure on a young couple and if my advice is worth anything I would say to perhaps agree on a trial separation for a while. Tell him how you are truly feeling. Not just about the job, money, etc., but that you are no longer sure about your feelings for him. You feel divorce is perhaps too final and would really appreciate some time apart before taking the big step of splitting for good.

Not only will a trial separation (this can be done legally) give you that breathing space to perhaps go the further mile and split for good, it will also give you both some time to reflect on your relationship and whether you actually do love one another and are willing to change/compromise to make it work.

I would have loved for my ex to have agreed on a trial separation when I needed the space, but he wouldn't and so my resentment grew, his bitterness grew, and we ended up going through one of the worse divorces imaginable and I have seen such an ugly side to him its made it impossible for us to communicate other than through notes in our daughter's book bag.

I believe if somebody loves us enough, they should let us go without bitterness and nastiness for their own misfortune.

It would make sense for you and your daughter to stay in the house, perhaps with your ex coming to look after her whilst you are at work? You could maybe even agree to moving out every other weekend so he can have time with your daughter then?

I guess it all comes down to how reasonable a man he is, whether he can trust you to be fair and whether he really loves you.

Good luck

LL

Hi,

Everything you've described is just how things are - there is no communication and I'm at the point where I'm not interested in anything he has to say about anything.

He has told me there will be no trial separation and that he's going no where his place is in our home. If we did sort something out i.e he moved out, because he is working part time then he would have to rent a crummy flat or if he did work full time then he wouldn't see our daughter as much as he does now - either way I'd feel guilty instigating all of this as he doesn't want to split.

I'd love a trial seperation in my case......but too many stories of changing locks, solicitors letter saying hubby left marital home etc............No, im staying.

Hello again. I can see both sides here, but to be fair you need to do something about moving forward and can't just brush the issue under the carpet, remaining stuck in your own beliefs about who is right and who is wrong.

Just reading back on Captain's posts, he mentions your anxiety and depression bouts Pinky. I would just like to say I suffered from terrible anxiety attacks after my son (who is now 12) was born. Anxiety is a horrible illness. The not wanting to put your son down in his cot but keep him close, only trusting your parents to look after him, I can relate to all of that stuff. Its as though you need to be in control the whole of the time just to function. I too had a career and was a high earner before my son was born, and was very independent. A baby comes along and it turns everything upside down. This little bundle relies on your for everything and sometimes that can feel overwhelming, but being a coper you take it all on yourself. I would urge you to let your little boy's father do his fair share but above all trust him. You both made this little boy and are both his parents but you clearly need to start communicating about best way forward, for your son's sake.

I can see you have both lost trust in each other. You are clearly both intelligent human beings who both love your son to bits. You just need to understand you are different people and nobody is right or wrong, you both have your reasons for remaining stuck.

Have you considered mediation? Its meant to help you see things from each other's perspectives in order to help you move forward.

Please, if not for your own sanity, do it for your son. If it means selling up, splitting equity, going your separate ways, do it. If it means you, Pinky, staying in the, raising the equity to buy Captain out, taking in a lodger or whatever. There are lots of paths to consider, just move on from the crossroads you are at - its the worst place. Once you can agree on a way forward that would suit you both (and above all your son) follow that path - I'm not saying it will be easy, but at least you'll be moving forward. It's all a matter of respect for one another's different positions. Pinky's anxiety is real. Captain's fear of you taking all he's got is real too.

Good luck

LL