Should I stay or should I go?

Hello,

I’m rather confused at the moment and would like some advice please.

The thing is I just don’t want to be with my husband anymore. I’ve always had a good job that paid all the bills whilst my husband worked part time, in preparation for when we have a child, which we now do. So the childcare is split between us him looking after her in a morning and me in an afternoon. However in July I was made redundant, my new wages are significantly less and we are struggling to make ends meet. What really upsets me is that he is refusing to work full time and won’t even entertain the idea of it. I just feel so let down by him (as well as other issues) that he doesn’t want any better for his family. Once our 2 year old starts school I would gladly work full time but for now I feel is it is so important to spend time with her. Meanwhile my redundancy is being eaten away. If I left, he couldn’t afford to keep the house on his part time so what would happen then. I couldn’t stay and file for divorce as the guilt trip would be too much to stand.
I could move in with my Mum but he keeps threatening he will just run off with our 2 year old and that I’ll never see her again. So in the end I just put up with him.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

The question you need to ask yourself is: Do you love him and want to be with him?
If the answer is no, then you need to move on by whichever means are best for your child. The guilt trip is not necessary. Marriage is about two people being happy together not just the one.

Hi pinkyp,
You say you are confused....if in doubt do nowt....take your time ,,,ask and listen before you make YOUR decision...give yourself timr
Elle

I have friends who are financially supporting men. This often results in the same questions: should I stay?

The reality is that he needs to pull his weight, if he's not doing this - you may well question the 'point' of allowing one of lifes passengers to hook up and be pulled by your engine.

When you have a young child, the reality is staring you in the face, you need him to do more. Have you given him the options???

If you want wiki users to answer the finacial side of divorce, then the answers to the questions here need to be posted:

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...G-IN-THIS-FORUM.html

hi pinkyp
sorry to hear your situation, I can understand you being confused, when you are in the thick of it and having to make a life changing decision, you can't think straight. i know I couldn't when my husband returned after a weekend away and just announced he didn't love me anymore and wanted out.

As I see it your solution is simple and straightforward. You know you don't want to be with your husband anymore and I read between the lines that it is not just because he is not pulling his weight financially. There is no point prolonging the agony sweetheart, I wish I had left my emotionally distant and critical husband 11 years earlier than I did.

You do not need to feel quilt, it takes two to tango ,two to make a marriage work and two to wreck it. You don't have to feel quilt either, it is a useless and energy draining destrucfive emotion and you don't need that right now.

As a mother and a woman with a young child you have a lot of rights. Don't move out of your MH, your child and yourself need stability. As a single mother you are entitled to all kinds of benefits and now government is even paying for childcare. Find yourself a part time job, any, preferably a low paid one that is not too stressful so you can have time and energy to enjoy your toddler. You only have to work 16 hrs when you are responsible for a child and you can claim working tax credits and child tax credits, you can get quite a lot of money. Even if your husband refuses to move out, you can offically be separated even if you live in the same house if you don't cook for him, go shopping together or do his laundry, so you live separate lives, because you are both entitled to live there legally.

it seems a strange argument on the part of your husband that he is working part time in preparation for the birth of a child. it does seem unreasonable of him to refuse to work full time considering you have lost your job through no fault of your own. Would it be easy for him to change his part time job into a full time one? If not there are plenty of jobs out there if you are prepared to work hard and not fussy about what you do.

This is the harsh lesson I have learnt; I put my husband and my family's needs before my own for 16 years and after two bouts of breast cancer and his business failing and my depression he has dumped me and I find myself in a new city struggling to start a new life earning min wage and all those years of loving and taking care of him and the family are not appreciated or acknowledged. He feels no quilt and does not care a damn how I am suriving or doing. For the first time now I am forced to put my own needs first and I am slowly finding myself again. it is easy to be submerged in the role of wife and mother which was the mistake I made and lose yourself and your way. That was why I got depressed and of course the constant put downs and criticisms and petty fault finding, after years of that it does erode your self esteem and confidence, although at the time you are not aware it is happening because you are blinded by love and fooled into believing you are loved.

You must do what is best for your child and yourself and don't be blackmailed by his threat of taking your child away. If he threatens again, go to the old bill and report him. it is illegal to do that or the solicitors.

Hope this helps, stay strong, sounds as if at least your mum is supportive if you can go and stay there.

Take care
CC

It's took me weeks to finally get courage to type something on this site. As this is my first posting I wondered what sort of replies I would get. Wow, what fantastic responses It's great to know that there people who can give advice and who understand other than my Mum and sister (who must be sick of my moaning).

You've all said what I'm already thinking it's just nice for someone else to confirm it and now for me to do something about it.

Thanks

Hi jojo

You just want to do what YOU want to do. Dont rush. Dont move out.
And..... if you want to moan, you moan hunny.
This will help you decide what is the best course for you.
Lean on your family and friends, they will support you, as all of us on wiki here will.
It is all about what you want to do.

Just take your time tell us, we will help.

He is just making empty threats to you. Stay strong.

zara