Still can't really believe he has left me...

Just over 6 weeks ago my DH told me that he loves me very much but doesn't want to be married to me - he had met someone else at work (who is going through a nasty divorce) and started a relationship 3 weeks before and was moving in with her a couple of hundred miles away from our home.

Until this happened I truely belived that I had the perfect husband who I loved very very much and he agrees that we have had an amazing time together, been very happy and that he still loves me very much. He said he had to make a decision about which of us to be with and that he can't explain his decision as he doesn't understand it himself! He also said that he has to stick to his decision and see it through - I just really want him to realise that the grass isn't always greener and you can change your mind but he doen't seem able to.

They are moving into a new house together this weekend - I hoped that he would have come back to me by now...is there any hope?

So sorry about what has happened......it is very early days, their relationship is very short, both carrying a lot of emotional baggage.....use this time to think about what you want. Do you have any children? I have no real advice, sure others will x

Hi Angel24,

I'm having to take a deep breath and not say anything rash about your DH.

I'm sorry and I'm haing to be blunt when I say this but he is just using you and you are better of without him. He's feeding you a charming tale just so to keep you on the hook and now you have been left in a position where you have lost all control. If he really loved you as much as he says he would never have gone with the other woman. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are not of true love.

You have to ask yourself what is important to you in a marriage. Most of the Wiki folk here have been cheated on by their spouse and that has been the main reason for them to terminate their relationship.

To me, if I discovered that my spouse cheated on me, then all bets would be off. I wouldn't want her back. The trust would have been destroyed.

What's important now is you look after yourself. Sure your heart will hurt. All the Wiki folk have suffered. But you now what you do make it out on the other side.

Keep posting, keep talking it does help.

Hi Angel, oh God ive heard all that before from my stbx who also told me he loves me dearly (still does) but isnt sure what he wants? He has been saying it for 2 years & keeping me dangling on a string, i suspect in case it doesnt work out with her.
Its only ending because ive cut that string now & told him to get out of my life for good. Ive filed divorce on grounds of adultery, he admitted it, still said he didnt want the divorce & loved me but did he give her up? No, he didn't & never has, the only way it will end is if she dumps him, thats what he fears, but i wont be there to love him again. After 16 years of marriage I too thought i could trust him, i was wrong.
Lean on everyone here, you can be strong & show him you dont need him in your life. It will hurt him most if he thinks you simply moved on!
Cindy

Thank you for your feedback...it made me cry but it's somehow reasuring to know that I'm not the only one.

With regards to children he has two from his first marriage who I love dearly and really don't want to loose touch with - which I will if I cannot remain friends with him. They don't know yet but I think (or more like hope) they will be horrified. The only people who know are a couple of members of his family who have been really supportive and are totally bemused by his actions.

I know he is using me to some degree but he really seems to be waivering at times which makes me thing there may be a chance. When we had a discussion the other night about the future, we talked about that given time I'd meet someone else get married and be happy and then he'd be free again...I just said that it would serve hime right and he got upset (I think he expected me to say then I'd leave my new husband to go back to him!).

The thought that he is at this presnt moment moving into a new "home" with this woman makes me feel physically sick - I don't think I will ever believe that this wonderful person could do this to someone else, it's like an alien has taken him over and he's become someone I (and his family) do not know.

I don't want to sound too blunt but

if he really loves you why would he hurt you? You say you had a perfect husband. Well, people aren't perfect and if you thought he was you were living in a fantasy.

You admit he's using you and yet you want him back.

You cannot go back to where you were - apart from anything else, it wasn't enough for him or he wouldn't have started another relationship.

I know this is hard to hear, but we've all been there. My situation is a little different in that my ex and I had decided to separate - but he'd already got someone else lined up to move in with. He acted like an alien too, got a lot of tosh about how he and I could still see our friends/family together and that my mother would be glad to see him and his new woman (WHAT???!!!!)

Now he has moved in with her and 5 months on, he's realised my Mum doesn't want to see him, let alone her! Her eldest son is "difficult" (afraid I burst out laughin when he told me that!) and he is probably finding that his fantasy love isn't perfect and has a lot of baggage too.

Meanwhile, after feeling terrible grief, which took me by surprise as I thought I would feel relieved when he'd gone, and very scary anger, I am now quite indifferent to him.

I've re-arranged the furniture and will redecorate in new year. I've joined a book club, met up with lots of my friends, planned days out and am making a future instead of regretting the past.

It isn't easy, but the first step is to recognise that the marriage you thought you had wasn't what you thought.

Keep posting.

I really feel for you and the terrible time you are going through, my stbx left 10 weeks ago and alittle like you at first I thought he would soon realise he had made a dreadfull mistake and would come back to me.
Now, even in the future ,if he does, and often the new perfect little life they choose for themselves in the end isnt so great, I would never take him back, you deserve to be loved by someone who would never treat you this way, he is just trying to keep you dangling for alittle while longer, which is very cruel.
I understand you hanging on to hope and I dont want to take that away from you as I did the same for a while, but if he really loved you he wouldnt have left and hurt you so badly.
Please keep posting and Im sending you hugs at a time when you really need them.