Hi

Hi, I'm Jainess. I'm in my mid thirties and I've had suspicions for years that my husband has been cheating on me. In fact, if I ask him to his face, he'll look me in the eye and swear on his mother's grave that he's never been unfaithful to me.

There are pictures and more. And plenty of really disgustingly disrespectful things that he's done on top of the lies.

I've become increasingly shell-shocked with the discoveries over the past year and it's reached a level where there's no mistaking what is going on (at least to me.

At the moment we're heading for proper separation at least - most of his time is being spent away from home although he still turns up a few times a week. When I've asked him how he feels about the future (as he's apparently been getting counselling) he keeps evading the question and saying he's not sure. But most of the time he spends away seems to be with this girl he says has only ever been a friend - but I know for certain now that's untrue. So it seems to me that he's using this time to figure out whether he wants to be with manipulative moneybags who has a car - or someone who loved him so dearly and so unconditionally that she put herself through hell when others would have run and would still give him a final chance if only he would admit it and end the damn affair.

There are other complications to ending this marriage - I'm ill and I have no family or friends who aren't directly connected to him. Which means that trying to get someone to help me pack or move is going to be tough. I also cannot afford to stay in the house where we live now on my own - so not moving wouldn't be an option.

I will, more than likely, be filing for divorce in the New Year. I'm not putting it off for presents or anything stupid, but we've had more than one death in the immediate family in the past year, one very recently, and the holidays are going to be tough enough without telling him that it's over. And I need to have a good think about whether I cite adultery or unreasonable behaviour. Adultery could be quite damaging to both of them on more than one level - I'm saying that in a considerate way - not a horrible one. I'd like him to grow some balls and stop lying - but that doesn't mean I want to destroy him.

I'm done waffling and crying. Cheers if you got this far, no worries if you didn't. I just needed to vent.

Hello Jainess

Your sitaution sounds terribly difficult and stressful. I'm sorry to hear you are ill also. I hope you find that you get support in this forum - I'm new too - but there are some very supportive people here with lots of experience to share with you.

Have you tried asking your doctor if he can help in any way - you say you have no-one to talk to - maybe you can get a referral to a counsellor. It really does help to talk to someone.

It certainly sounds like you are doing the right thing by filing for divorce and that you do have to move on. I hope you can keep looking forward to the future and better times.

Hi jaine
welcome to wiki,
sorry to hear your predicament.
Once you have decided that divorce is the right thing for you,I am sure that even with your illness you willl be able to manage,where there is a will there is a way.Your GP might be able to recomend a good neighbour scheme or you never know even one of the wiki peeps might help you.
I for one am willing to help where ever I can.
Take care
xxxxx

Thank you for the welcome. It feels kind of strange to talk about things at the moment. If I'm forced to be all matter-of-fact about things, I seem to be coping alright. But then there are the little things... something as little as him telling me that he loves me or stopping to give me a kiss before he's off out again.... and that brave face disappears pretty quickly.

I came pretty close to telling him today that I know as much as I need to know to give him an ultimatum. He lies all the time, so even if he says he wants to be with me, I don't know if that's really him or his cowardice. But I've never reached this point of despair with him before. Part of me is hoping that seeing that I know and knowing that I'm serious will snap him back to reality and he'll actually think about whether he's wanting to give up on everything without really trying or not.

But the more I think about it, it's possible that he's loved her longer than he loved me. If that's the case, I lost a long time ago and there's nothing to snap him out of.

I'm scared and the world is full of what-if's at the moment. It sucks.

Hallo

Men who have more than one woman are often dishonest about it because they want their cake and eat it, and they are cowardly about having a scene.

My husband didn't tell me about his other woman even when we decided to separate. When I did finally worm it out of him and said how disappointed I was that he couldn't have told me, he said he didn't know how I would react. I mean, he's lived with me 31 years. Doesn't he know me at all??!!

Clearly not. He went a bit bonkers and said some stupid things about visiting my Mum and maybe taking his new woman to meet her (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, 5 months on, he's hit reality. He's escaped from me asking him to look after our sons to live with a woman who needs him to babysit her two younger children whilst she does yoga, or goes on a conference. I could get annoyed about it, but I choose to be amused!

It doesn't sound as though your husband is going to change. If you have decided to divorce then unreasonable behaviour is probably easier to prove than adultery, which he'd have to admit, and which might make him more defensive.

My husband doesn't want to divorce as he is scared he will lose a lot of money. But I think after 2 years (19 months to go) I might start for a divorce on the grounds we've been apart for 2 years. Just depends on whether he honours his promise to keep paying the mortgage etc.

Good luck and keep posting.

Mine actually admitted to being a liar the other day - and that showed the most genuine promise I've seen out of him since the start of our demise years ago.

So while I genuinely hope he sorts his head out, it's left me wondering how much if any of it was real at all. I've given up so much for him out of love and compassion for some really difficult things I thought he was going through. Now I think maybe some of those things were hardly blips on the radar and I've been a fool for a very long time.

It's so hard to know what to do or even how much to trust a liar. Thank god my heart stopped answering that question. I don't know if it's dead or just catatonic from the lies and cruelty - but I used to feel glimmers of hope about our relationship. Now, every time he says something loving or kind, my brain is loudly replaying moments of cruelty.

I've begged him for years to be honest, and he's sworn on the lives and the graves of the people he held dearest that he's telling the truth and what I know now is that he's a damn fine actor. He's said for the longest time that he thinks cheaters should keep it to themselves and live with their own guilt. If he'd been honest, if he'd given us a fair chance to get back on track, I would have forgiven him. He chose to lie.

Right now nothing would make me happier than for him turning up and telling me he wants a divorce. It would hurt - but it would also mean that the man I've loved for so long has finally grown some b***s. And no, it wouldn't be an answer to the problem... but it might help me get a bit of closure and stop pondering the what-ifs. I married him to avoid the what-ifs. Now I'm just getting hammered by them.