after more than 27 years together.......

Just joined and wanted to share my story.

Four months ago coming home from work one Monday afternoon I found my husband being there and telling me that he had not loved me for a long time and wanted our marriage to end.
I went into a complete shock. We were two months away from our 25th wedding anniversary and as far as I knew he was looking forward to celebrating that as much as I was.
We decided to still go on a planned trip to India so we could talk and he could explain. He told me he had had doubts for several years and he had given me enough signals to let me know something was wrong but I never picked up on them and nothing changed.
I knew there was something wrong the last year but blamed it on him not being able to cope with the reaccuring mental illness of his mother.Many times I tried to talk to him but he assured me over and over again nothing was wrong.
But it was..very wrong. He was moving away from me while still keeping up the pretence our marriage was a happy one and not saying anything about his frustrations and his doubts.
I found out he had fallen in love with another woman who was part of a group of friends we did lots of activities with and he told me he wanted a new life and have a relationship with her and even maybe moving in with her.
But before that he wanted to help me and our two children ( 22 and 20 ) through this as best as he could.
Because of the financial situation he thought we had to stay in the same house for the time being and he wanted me to be assured I could take all the time I needed to get to the divorce he wanted.

Nearly four months have passed since that day.
He has moved out of the house two months ago to an appartment his company is renting for him and I haven't seen or spoken to him since.
I feel lost, hurt, rejected, angry because he never ever gave me the change to fight for our marriage, confused for how could he have fooled me, my children, my family and our driends in such a way that we all believed this was a very good relationship and alone,so alone.

I met him when I was 23 and he was my first boyfriend.
We split up after a year together but he came back saying he could look the rest of his life for someone but would never find anyone who was so perfect for him as I was.
We got married, had two children and I thought we were going through life's difficulties coming out stronger together. Problems with our son who was ( and still is ) very intelligent, living in England for a year and a half when our children were quite small, dealing with his mum's psychotic depression, his father turning blind after an operation, a brief affair he had and moving to England from Holland now 11 years ago and building up a new life here.

And now I am alone. He has ended our relationship without letting me know there was a problem. He is focused on his new life, says he has enough skills to make it good for him and I am left in the middle of this pile of debris that was my happy marriage, my plans for the future, my believe that we had a strong bond where honesty, respect and sharing were the main ingredients.

I don't know where to go. I have lost so much weight, in the mornig I am so upset I can't eat, I don't know who I am any more.
I am in this dark, dark tunnel and have no idea if I ever get out.

Our life was a good one, we had a nice house and so many plans for it, the children were going their own way so we could do things, travel, we finally made friends, we were going to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.

I know I need to move away from him but how can I do that ? We have been together for 27 years and he made it possible for me to do lots of things I like. I am nearly 51 and looking forward to a future alone. And that scares me, so much, so much.

Dutchgirl,

We are all with you... keep sharing with us.

I too am approaching my 25th wedding anniversary and am in the middle of divorce proceedings... it's heartbreaking. An emotional roller-coaster. You will get through it... day by day.

Set yourself small achievable goals, the everyday things that came so easy before... keep doing them but tell yourself 'well done' for doing them. Don't expect too much of yourself. Take all the support available to you.

I found it so hard to let go, like you, I just wasn't aware, trusting completely.
I am letting go now, a year down the line, so be kind to yourself, it takes time and it's different for us all.

I also have two grown up children, one still at home.

Feel free to pm anytime.

Thinking of you x

Hi Dutch girl

i felt very sad when i read ur story. It seems to be becoming more and more common that guys in particaular thou i know it happens with women as well but not in the same numbers, seem to be giving up on marriages of 20 - 25 + years.

My hubby was similar never said what was wrong even when asked. i think they become so blinkered to what they want and don't want to look at there current family. I found that part so frustrating as we had talked about things in the past then suddenly the most important thing was not discussed.

but dutch girl i can assure u know there is life after this u just have to hang in there and time is a great healer believe me. Also if someone u loved can be so selfish are they worth remaining with. You may think so now but u will have the opportunity for happiness again in the future.

Good luck and a big hug

Hello

I doubt it helps too much but you really are not alone. Apart from my marriage being 15 years and I am male, your story strikes such a chord as its so similar to my experience and my feelings. I really know what you are going through and feel for you. The hope is that all the many people who say it will get better are right.

Thoughts are with you

Hi

I just wanted to re-assure you things will get easier. I'm only 6 months down the line but I feel stronger each day. Yes I still get bad days but not as often. When I first found this site everybody was so supportive and all the advise I was given has hepled me cope. I was with my ex nearly 25 yrs since I was 17 and he told me he was leaving me 2 months before our 20th wedding anniversary - what timing!!! but I guess when there's someone else on the horizon they don't give much thought about the devestation they're leaving behind.
The thing I found it hardest to accept was not being given the chance to save my marriage, surely after all that time together he owed me that at least.
Hold your head up high and take one day at a time, it will get better I promise.

Jenny

Hallo

You are in a horrible place at the moment. Everyone on this board has been there and many still are there.

I am 52. I met my future husband when I was 19, got together with him when I was 20 and we've been together ever since.

Our marriage was failing and I think the main problem was that we weren't able to talk to eachother properly. In your marriage your husband wasn't able to talk to you either.

I thought that my husband and I were in the same place, both unhappy with our relationship and saddened by its disintegration so it was a shock when I found he had another woman lined up to move in with.

I found that he'd moved on and I was overwhelmed with the grief and anger and despair I felt.

I feel better now, but I've had 5 months of weekly sessions with a women's counsellor and about 2 months on anti-depressants, because my younger son said I was crying all the time.

I am feeling better now, and focusing more on the future and being kind to myself. I had spent a lot of time beating myself up about things and its wonderful not to. My husband didn't help because he didn't understand how I felt, would tell me not to be daft, and then spent a lot of time criticising me and our children.

It's better without him, the house is much more relaxed. But it doesn't feel like my home - I'd like to move out to somewhere that is just mine, but we can't afford to sell the house just now and I don't want to uproot my children. 16 year old is causing aggro y refusing to go to 6th form or get a job, 14 yr old has just started his GCSE courses.

I do get down, songs make me cry, lonely evenings, and the bed is still too big.

But I am going to sort myself out and deal with all these things.

You can too.

At the moment you sound as though you are angry that you've had no return for all that you did during the marriage. Well, I did all the housework, all the gardening, 95% of the childcare (100% since ex moved out). I also helped with my parents-in-law who were both diagnosed with terminal illnesses when my eldest son was 3 months old. I helped clear their house - I can't tell you how awful that was. My f-i-l died 4 years after my mil, who I adored. He hadn't got rid of any of her things - there were all her medicines and makeup and clothes etc. Don't think my husband felt anything much, I felt I'd done all the grieving for both of us.

I stopped doing our social life when I found I was fed up with doing everything. Took husband 6 months to notice we hadn't done anything, and he made it quite clear he didn't think it was worth it.

Final straw for me was when he asked me what I wanted to do for my 50th birthday. I named a fancy restaurant and said I'd love a table by the window. He was working at home the week before my birthday but was unable to pick up the phone to make a reservation.

We ate at a curry house. I didn't make a fuss as I didn't want to spoil the evening, but now I wish I'd thrown my lamb bhuna in his lap!

Hi dutchgirl
I realy feel for you. My Ex never said He loved me or do anything for me , but I stay for the children even though how many times he cheated on me I still stay but he still couldn't accept how am I putting up with him . After 26 years of marriage with the up and down he told me he loved me so that time I was scared which realy proved what I was thinking ,he decided to get married without me knowing until I received the bailiff. well I took it well that day they after 2 days I started crying a lot and thinking of finish with the life , but the My children kept me going with their support and loved and talking to Wiki friends was good and helpful. In your situation please try and carry on what you are doing your day to day life and keep in contact with your children even thogh your age don't worry someone ,somewhere will come into your life .now just enjoyed it while you can .life is too short. God will help you . Thing happen for a reason Gods knows best. take care .