manipulative husband

hi! i just joined the community.actually came across it by accident when i googled 'manipulative husband' and read a post by independentwoman that almost sounded like an excerpt from my journal. i met this guy when i was 19, straight out of high school. i am 26yrs old now and we have been married less than a year. there were always problems in the relationship, i feel stupid i stayed so long, that i married the lunatic! he was always extremely possessive, reading my text messages and going through my call records. When i complained he said if i really had nothing to hide i wouldn't mind.If he called and I said i was with a friend, if he knew the friend he'd ask to speak to her, 'just to say hi'. He really just wanted to make sure i was with a girl cos he was constantly accusing me of cheating on him. When i went to uni it was such an issue cos he kept saying he was worried i'd meet someone else and leave him. I spent weeks assuring him i wouldn't. When i started working any mention of a male colleague or a client became an issue. Who is he, how much time do we spend together it was crazy. Then he got a job outside the country. It was a well paying job and he justified the distance by saying he was willing to make sacrifices to build 'our' financial foundation. Year after year he kept saying he would not renew his contract but each year he did. When i complained it was affecting our relationship he said i was selfish. He was stressed working away from home away from friends and family and i who had my friends and family around me could not sacrifice like he was for our financial future. He invalidated my need for companionship by saying i was being immature and unrealistic, how did i expect to live? Despite all this i married him. When we went on our honeymoon, we barely talked the first few days. He would spend ages in the net reading news about home (we had gone out of the country) When i complained he said it was important to know what was going on so he could protect 'our' investments. I spent hours alone by myself in the hotel room crying. Soon after we got back we had a fight and he said maybe we should get a divorce. We had barely been married a month! Being with him was like a bad soap, drama, drama! His reaction to things started to get worse. When we fought and he was angry his anger started to get worse and worse. I did something stupid i them midst of my confusion and he found out. He kicked me out of the house at 10pm. Later he apologized profusely and begged me to go back. I did but only for a couple of day cos i got a job out of town. We speak occasionally or rather did until last week when i came across a site (God less the internet) that described his behaviour as that of a manipulator. I feel so stupid. Everybody thinks he's such a nice guy, attentive and generous. Only the few friends who i go to in tears when in a rage he's called me names like slut and evil, lazy. I've decided its over bit its hard. People will think i'm just a newlywed who doesn't know better. Some people have been telling me marriage is hard, you cant leave at the first sign of trouble. But even though we've been married less than a year, this has been going on for the last seven years, and its getting worse,not better. I need to talk to people who have some idea of what i'm going through. I'm sorry this 'brief introduction' has gone on for so long, it just feels good to let it out.

Hallo

You were very young when you got involved with this chap and I expect didn't have much experience of the world. When you are in love it blinds you to things.

I am now 52 and my 31-year relationship has ended. In the months before and after my husband left I began to wonder whether I was going insane as he seemed completely different from the chap I thought I'd been living with.

You recognise your relationship is over and have moved out so well done! That's the first hard bit.

You certainly aren't the only one.

Hi there,
I think one of the hardest things in life to have to do,is to be the one who ends the marriage. Some people do not try hard enough but this doesn't seem to ring true in your story.

I met my stbx 12 years ago and it started off with jealousy which deteriorated into me marrying him, having 2 children and becoming a virtual recluse with no life at all.

It very much sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. Marriage should be a partnership of two equals. Not one person controlling the other.

Don't end up like me, 32, 2 kids, no friends or family left, no job. Him still trying to control me through the divorce.
It sounds like you've invested 7 years and now it's time to get out. xx
Some people think I've got nothing, but I've got my dignity back and my freedom and I've got the world at my feet now that he's gone. xx

Hi, how funny, I thought my husband was pretty weird when he called me evil - sounds like it is part of the repertoire:)

You did well to recognise what was happening and to put a stop to it. It does get worse. I'm only now well enough to face filing for divorce, twelve months after separating. Wouldn't you think I couldn't wait to leave... I shake my head now and wonder how couldn't I see it for what it was.

Take care

hun - its taken me three years to leave my sob stbx. And a year of hell when he tried to control me using all sorts of naughty tricks - which were amazing even for him. Divorcing a control freak is no easy option.

My only regret is,a now lost hope,that he would be reasonable. I should have just packed my bags and left when I decided to leave him. My only other regret is that I did this 10 years ago instead of hanging around, and trying to make him happy for the sake of the kids.

The worst has been accepting that I had fallen for his games in the first place. Not one for throwing in the towel - and echoing what the other posters have said - if you don't get your relationship on equal terms with mutual respect and understanding you'll find yourself having wasted years of your life, with kids and with few choices.

L

Hi Hun, You've definitely done the right thing in leaving him.

I am just going through a divorce with my husband who has always manipluated me. We were together 20 years and we have 3 children.

It's best to do it sooner rather than later, when kids could come into the equation.

Don't listen to what friends or family say all the time, it's your happiness that matters and it sounds like he was making your life miserable.

It takes a strong woman to leave, build on your strength and realise that you have the control over your life and future, he does not.

Good luck hun!