I've been married for 20 years. My husband and I split up just over a year ago and we're just about to go through the divorce process. I have applied for the divorce on the grounds or his unreasonable behaviour. We've got 3 lovely children together age 13,16 & 19.
I've worked on and off through our marriage, supporting my husband in his business and as he worked away a lot, I have needed to be there for my children, to bring them up the best that I can and be their support so I have not been able to persue a career.
Throughout our marriage my husband told me I was never good enough for him and that If I hadn't fallen pregnant with my first child we wouldn't be married. No matter what I did, it was never enough for him. He would constantly put me down, comparing me to other women whether it was to do with work, the home, looking after my children. But for about the past 5+ years, the emotional and mental bullying from my husband has gotten worse. He started getting my elder son involved in the arguments, as he got older, on his side, so it would be the two of them against me. I couldn't get away from them and even when I would try and walk away, change the subject or reason with them, they just would not let go, following me round the house, sometimes I would lock myself in the toilet but he would carry on, shouting through the door. Alcohol was often involved and this was sometimes the subject of the arguments, because my husband would get our son drunk from the age of 14 or 15 sometimes to the point where he was sick. My other two children would see all this happening, and would try and comfort me when the arguements occurred. I was strong for them and when they used to say things like 'When are you and Dad getting divorced?' I would just explain that everyone argues and we do love each other. I wanted to try and make it work for the children and hoped that over time things might change for the better.
But it didn't, it just got worse. The arguements could be over anything, the fact I hadn't put the kids toys away, calling me lazy, untidy, stupid, accusing me of not looking after the house properly or start over something as trivial as an advert. If I gave my opinion on something and he didn't agree he would go all out to prove his was the correct side and anyone with another point of view had to be an idiot. One thing was for sure, once he started he would not give up. And when he started getting my son involved, it got worse and there was no way of getting away from it.
I got to a point a couple of years ago where I realised, we would split sooner or later. To do that I would need money but as I had always worked for him, I had no reliable job. Since then I've started a new carreer path and now have a little more stability to support my children.
When my son was in his last year of A levels and whilst I was working, my husband used actively encourage him not go back to 6th form in the afternoons and would actually go & pick him up from school, meaning skipping lessons. My son is extremely bright and got all 'A's & 'B's in his GCSE's and after years of me telling him how important his education is, always helping him with his homework & supporting him, my husband changed my sons perception, saying that 'It's only a piece of paper' and that the teachers are idiots & my son could be earning more money than them. Which was at the time probably true as he's always been a genius with computers/programming but is not really what a responsible parent should be saying to their child.
We have had good times though, it's not all been bad and I'm sad when I think about the happy times, because I never wanted it to end up like this, but there's no love there any more and there hasn't been for years now. The thing is, I did love him, so much, but when you keep getting hurt by the one you love, you build up a protection barrier, so it doesn't hurt as much next time. Till eventually the barrier is so big, you loose all communication, you just don't communicate at all because it's easier than going through all the arguements.
Last year, October '07, I told him I didn't want to be with him any more. But the thing is, I had found someone else. It was someone who doesn't live in this country and all we had done is text eachother for 1 month till he came to visit me and after 3 days I told my husband about it.
Now I am not an irrational person and I realise that you don't end a 20 year relationship with someone over a few texts. I didn't know how or if things would work with this new guy but all I cared about was the fact that I did not want to be with my husband anymore. I am an attractive woman, I go to the gym, I do a bit of modelling & I have had plently of opportunities over the years to have affairs, or leave for other men, but I never have because I loved my husband. But it just felt like the right time. And I have never, ever regreted saying it. And I can never go back to being treated like that.
When I broke the news to my children, I was dreading it. How could I tell them! I remember we just went for a drive, and I explained daddy and I were splitting up because we keep argueing and we just don't love eachother anymore. We drove round for what seemed like hours while we chatted about it, but the most amazing thing was, that they knew we would split up. They said it didn't come as a surprise as we were always arguing and my 15 year old daughters own words were 'He can be a right b*****d sometimes.' I said but we still love you and will always be here for you. There were no tears at that time. And they have been amazing in accepting it. Even though I know how hard it must be for them.
Just over a year later and as I said, I have filed for divorce now on his unreasonable behaviour which he accepts. He is still living at home which is quite awkward and makes for an uncomfortable atmosphere at home. My 19 year old son has now moved out so I just have to look after my 16 year old daughter and 13 yr old son. I pay the utility bills, my husband pays the mortgage which is £350 per month but he does not buy any shopping. He won't even buy loo rolls or milk if we run out. He buys his own food and keeps it seperate from our food, in the fridge. He does his wasing & washing up but nothing else! He basically won't do anything in the house that's not soley his.
He now has a girlfriend, his second one, which I'm pleased for him about and I am still with my 'new' man and have found happiness with him.
My husband wants the divorce as quickly as possible, before we have settled any financial arrangements. Yet he wants to carry on living at home even after we have divorced. I said to him that I thought everthing would happen together, sort out the house & the options open there, get divorced and both move on ie. not living together! But he wants the divorce before that. I don't know why he is pushing for this to happen so quickly and wondered if anyone out there might have any idea? His girlfriend is foreign and it could be that he wants to marry her & get her into the country as it would be difficult for her to get here otherwise, but I can't see this would be the case. He's not usually that rash! I asked him if he would move out after the divorce, but he refuses to do that until the finances are sorted, or in his words until I have 'Given him some money'. He's tried telling me it's normal that people get divorced and stay living together, but I don't think I can stand liviing with him once we're divorced, what's the point, you divorce to go your seperate ways don't you, not carry on living together. I even offerd to pay the mortgage so he could pay rent somewhere but he again refused.
I realise that he has to live and I will either have to buy him out or sell the house but I would ideally like to stay and I will do everything I can to try and keep it for the stability of my children, even if it means renting a room out. It's 4 bedrooms so that is feasible but I also realise that I might have to sell it because a court would deem it too big. I can also see the positive side in moving on & starting afresh, though it's not my first choice.
Sorry for rambling on, but I just wanted to get it off my chest and to see other peoples take on this especially as we are all going through the same thing. I just can't wait till it's all over and I can move on.
