how to cope?

Hallo firstlady

sadly you aren't the first or indeed the last lady to be deceived.

It's very early days for you, it will get better and you will find the ways of coping that work for you.

My husband left 5 months ago to live with someone else and her younger children. He's neglected our teenage sons rather a lot since then (when he told them it was all "I can come round in the evenings" which has turned out to be recently taking 14 yr old to play football once a week, and texting 16 yr old to nag him about getting a job). But he's happy to babysit her two younger children while she does yoga, goes off to conferences etc.

So, I went through a lot of grief and crying and then an angry stage and now I am indifferent. I find him pathetic.

I cope by going to a women's counsellor once a week - which I will probably end in March; and by taking low-dose antidepressants, which have enabled me to stop feeling so miserable/anxious.

I moved the furniture round, and put all his CDs and other stuff he's left in some boxes, which if he doesn't take them away before Xmas will be going in the garage.

I found it difficult to see him at first when he came round, but now I feel better. He used to come in as though it was still his home and want to chat and be friendly. So I told him I needed him to let me know when he was coming and I treat him like a visitor.
It works for me.

The effect on the children - well, elder son is more relaxed now he and his father aren't shouting at eachother any more, younger son is getting more attention than he used to, and playing football means he gets some 1:1 time with his father, so I hope they will build a better relationship. But neither boy has said they miss him.

Younger children, its different, but children are incredibly resilient. As long as you are there for them they will cope. There are zillions of children from divorced parents now, its not the stigma it used to be.

You will cope to and you will feel stronger. Keep posting.

Hi firstlady

The first thing I did when my husband left me was to turn to family and friend telling them what had happened because I knew in order to survive and to get through it I needed a support netwerk.
In one of the books I am reading it's called The Boo-Hoo-Crew. Part cheerleader, part therapist your Boo-Hoo-Crew should be reliable, patient and provide a shoulder to cry on, a voice of reason and the bright side.]/i]
Especially with Christmas coming up and with small children involved ( not the case in my situation so I didn't have to cope with that even though I can imagine having two children myself )you need people who will be there for you.
Don't hesitate to reach out even to friends you may not have had contact with for a long time.
I found everyone willing to listen to me and in the past for months my family and friends have been there for me with a willing ear ( my family all live abroad ) and with lots of support.
So go and find your support group ( and people on this site will be a big part of that ) and allow them to help you through each hour in the beginning and then through each day a bit later.
Don't worry. Even though you are not seeing it at this moment but your children will have a happy childhood because you will be there for them. You will love them and not give them mixed messages. You will get stronger and happier and you will be able to give them the security, the love and the grounding they need for a happy childhood. Until you are there let your family and friends help you.
Take care of yourself first and then you can take care of your children
You are not alone even though it feels like that at times or all the time.
So hang on in there, look after yourself and your children and from this moment don't allow your husband to have any negative influence on your children's childhood.