What to do?

Hi,

This might be a little off topic for this site but anyway...

I'm 41 never been married and in the summer met and fell in love with someone who was living seperately from her husband with her ten year old daughter. Her divorce was going through and a couple of months back she got her nici. All looked good, but under the surface she was not coping with the financial side and soon after the nici received an eviction notice. She got to the stage of agreeing an interim payment to avoid this then all of a sudden she announced that she's moving back in to the family home and may possibly reconcile. Since then she claims that she has only done this for the sake of her daughter (who has some behavioural issues) and that it is temporary.

She has also said that she loves me and wants to be with me.

I'm finding this a bit hard as you can imagine, it wasn't me who caused the break-up but the stbx (maybe!) throws a wobbler at the mere mention of me, I cannot call her and she has to sneak phone calls and seeing me into other routine things.

Her other daughter from a previous marriage confided in me that she thinks the marriage is over and that her feelings for me are genuine but I really don't know what the outcome of this might be. Also I went through a similar, slightly more complicated, scenario ten years ago and that ended very painfullly for all involved.

I do love her but wonder if there is any hope.

Just airing here, it's a great forum and many threads have given me valuable insight.

Patrick

Hi Patrick

I'm not in the same boat as you, rather I would be in her husband's position but from what you say it sounds as though she may have had a change of heart. They have a daughter together and financially she may feel better off staying with him.

However, it would probably be better to give her time and space and not encourage contact until she has made up her mind. I know the husband was technically out of the picture when you met but he is not now and emotionally it is difficult for anyone to make a decision when three people are intertwined. Pushing the situation may lead to the wrong decision and/or it may turn out to be one you don't like.

I understand when you love someone it is so difficult to stay away but if it is temporary as she says she will come back to you. It all depends on whether she is worth the wait to you, only you will know that.

If she hasn't had a change of heart and intends to be with you she isn't being fair to her husband sneaking around. Beware - she may do this to you one day.

Hope you sort things out for all your sakes.

Q

I don't really understand how moving back to the FMH with someone you are divorcing is going to help any behavioural issues her daughter may have, surely it is just confusing the situation and making it worse. I would seperate until she decides what she wants.

Do you really want a woman who will do this to you? Pretending with her newly reconciled husband, lying to him, sneaking around behind his back?? One day it may be you? If she loves you, then why doesn't she move in with you and you help to support her, and help her with her financial issues?

Thanks for your comments, I've had no contact for a week as the person in question has also become dependant on alcohol over the past year which has no doubt added to problems and has spent this week detoxing at home under medical supervision.

I've had my own experiences of this and hope that with a clearer mind she will be able to properly decide what she wants.

I think a lot of it was not being able to see a comfortable future post divorce, i.e. going from a 7 bedroom house to rented accomodation with a 'Clean Break' settlement of maybe 25% joint assets + child support, which from reading on here is pretty low for 10+ years of marriage.

I have been offered a few weeks with a friend in Cornwall after I confided my situation and think that a bit of time out and distance might be a good idea for all involved then again I feel that might look like running away. I need to hear how the detox went at least and whether she feels ready for a life without alcohol (very hard if you are/were dependant) and how her feelings are, although having myself quit booze in the past the 1st few weeks are very raw emotionally so who knows? I'm not going to force the issue in the slightest.

As for the child the temper tantrums are still happening but the FH is a childs dream compared to their rented accomodation (which was actually a nice cosy cottage I thought).

FWIW my mother divorced my dad when we were about the same age as their daughter and it probably took my mum a year or 2 before she left. We struggled for a while but through my mums bloody hard work went on to be happy 1 parent kids. My mum never had another partner until we were 18 though! 8 years would be a damn long wait.

Oh well, I'm rambling, why are relationships always so messy lol!