hello I'm new here

Hello, I've just found this site.
A month ago my husband moved out. We have been together for thirty-one years, married for 25. We have two teenage daughters.
His reasons for going are that he has apparently not loved me for the past twenty years. He had an affair eight years ago which he kept secret until he threw the fact at me when I was begging him to come to counselling rather than just walk out. He's tried within the last two months to have another affair. The woman he approached turned him down (because she knows and likes me, and because she won't sleep with a married man). My fear is that he's unmarrying himself as quickly as possible.
I am not saying things were perfect, they weren't, but I didn't think they were this bad and I think he has convinced himself there's no hope (and he probably thought he'd get me to divorce him by telling me about the affair(s)) so he's run because he doesn't want to be persuaded otherwise.
I am shattered. Almost literally. I have a responsible and well paid job (I've been the major breadwinner for the last sixteen years) and though my employers are being incredibly understanding I have to get back on an even keel,and I just can't. Every day is like climbing a mountain. I keep falling apart. I'm breaking down in front of the children and it is really not fair on them. The antidepressants may be keeping some of it at bay but to be honest I don't feel as if they're working.
I will be fifty at new year, and I have been with this man for my entire adult life. I don't feel as if I can start again. Is there anyone out there who can give me hope?

Blackberry,

I am really sorry to hear your story, and you have come to the right place, the people here have been incredibly friendly and offer good help and advice.

I found out my wife was having an affair just over a month ago, in fact 4 weeks ago today at about this time was when I confronted her.

I have no specific advice to offer, other than it will get better, you have to work through it and take one step at a time. Sounds like you have your family aroudn you which will also help you.

Wiki is a good place to come to talk, ask advice or just let off steam.

Mark is right blackberry, and I know how you feel, I felt as if all the energy had been sucked from my body, I couldnt eat, sleep, and no the drugs dont work. You need to find info, and make you plans, also try with your husband but one day and very soon maybe you have to accept he has moved on, dont worry about your future, you will be ok.

YES blackberry,

I can give you hope... you said yourself things weren't great... you will see more clearly in time.

I was married for 24 years too and yes, it really is having the rug pulled from under you when you feel as though your marriage was your life. But you are your own special person and don't deserve to be treated this way. You're a successful woman in your own right. It seems, like me, the support you thought was there, really wasn't there at all.

This is a process and it seems there are no short cuts... take each day at a time, set small achievable goals and say 'well done' to yourself for achieving them. You are better than this!

Take support from friends and family. Write things down if that helps. Keep a diary, you'll look back at the progress you've made when you feel stronger... and you will!!

50's the new 40! Life will be good again... and better... you're not alone but surrounded by people happy to love and support you X

Hallo

It seems your husband has moved on emotionally and you haven't. My marriage was bad but when I suggested separation and husband agreed I thought we we were both in the same place, sad that it was over. But turns out he had already found a new woman, who he's now living with.

I'm on anti-depressants too, but still feel tearful now and then, and I am also having weekly counselling. Maybe if you feel the a-ds aren;t working you need to go back to your GP. S/he may be able to change your prescription and/or suggest other strategies.

It is horribly painful, like having a limb cut off. I didn't want to live with my ex any more, but still found it hurtful that he had moved on, after we'd been together 31 years. I'm 52, and he's the only man I've ever been with, so I do know where you are coming from.

However, I had to accept that I needed to rebuild my life. I don't earn much, though I love my part-time job, so am faced with prospect of retraining etc in a difficult time for job hunting. My job is the bit that keeps me sane!

My elder teenage son left school after GCSEs and shows no interest in getting a job or going to college. Younger son is 14 and doing well at school, as well as being very supportive to me.

When I first found this site it was helpful, though I found it so upsetting to read how many other people were going through the same thing. Apart from this site, the a-ds, counselling, I went to my local library and got lots of books out about relationship breakups etc which have helped.

Keep posting and have faith. Things have to get better!

Blackberry - I was like that 5 months ago - a mess in front of my children who are still quite young. Been with my husband for 21 years and felt that at 42, I had no future left other than to raise my kids. I still have incredibly bad days. what I can say and you may not believe me is that it DOES get better. My job is the only thing I will not let him take away. Like you, I was the major breadwinner and am doing well in it. I took a few weeks off and they were incredibly supportive but it is my domain now. I have made some changes small and big in my family's routine and the way we live and my appearance and it has helped. I felt like a failure because I was on diazepam and temazapam but now I am on quite a high dose of anti depressants and I am not ashamed. With them I can hold it together. If I had a headache - I'd take a paracetamol etc the main thing is you feel you are alone, but you trully aren't and you aren't the only person to feel the way you do. Kate. x

Hi Blackberry,

welcome to wiki,
I'm further down the road to recovery and I can tell you it will get better. At the moment your world has fallen apart and you are broken. But you are mendable and you will get there .

Dont try to rush it, you will heal at your own pace. Obviously you dont want to upset your girls, I read a book by a relate councillor who said there is nothing wrong with your older children knowing how you are feeling, they need to know that you are ok and they will understand why you are upset if you keep talking to them.

From my own experience I can say that if he is trying to 'unmarry himself' then there is little you can do to stop him.At the end of the day you cant force someone to stay with you.But dont let him stop you from healing and moving on, its the hardest part of the process right now, so when you have accepted its over things will improve,

everyone is here for you so keep posting,And remember life begins at 50!!!

hugs, debs