life falling apart - ex husband seeking custody

Hello everyone,
I am just so stressed with life right now and any advice would be welcome. I will try to explain my situation.
Was married for 6 years when we seperated in 2004 due to in my view, being basically unsuitable to each other.Two children age 9 and 6. There were frequent arguments, mostly I felt bullied and belittled and gradually I lost all my love for him. Finally last year I took the step of seeking a divorce. At that point I think my ex panicked, and tried to pursuade me to give the marraige another go, but having tried for years I got the strength to stand up to him and say no. From then on the real hostilities started, emotional blackmail,threaths and generally blaming me for the end of the marriage. I met a new partner a while after this who lives 2 hours away. My ex found out, by letting himself into my home (but still jointly owned house) and going through all my stuff in my bedroom. We were already at mediation at this point to try and reach a settlement.
I decided to move to where my partner lives and a settlement was reached at mediation. However, my ex has completly changed his mind and is now trying to stop me moving by fighting for residency.He is lying about me on his statement, accusing me of assaulting him throughout the marriage, all lies, but he warned me he would lie. The marriage was dysfunctional, we both have things we did and said that we should rightly be ashamed of, but I kept it fairly factual on my statement about him, not realising how he was going to paint me on his.We have a hearing coming up regarding these allegations, and then a financial hearing just before xmas. To top all that, the very reason I am being taken to court for residence ie my wish to move to be with my new partner,that relationship is on the line due to the strain and the long distance.I dont know what to do. If I was staying locally,my ex would not be fighting for residency but if I change my mind about moving I fear my ex will try and force me to sign something as a guarantee that I will keep my word. Sorry this is so long...I feel I am sinking under all this.

Hi Annie,

There is a lot going on in your life right now and you have so many things to consider, I truelly empathise. The courts will consider the childrens welfare as priority. Who is residng in the MH, schools, stabitiry v disruption re shools/fam/friends/familiarity etc

The allegations have to be backed up with witness, evidence. I know its hard but resist being trapped into arguing or being seen to be difficult ..try to srep back and rationalise....again I respect how hard that is, believe mr I have experienced many things through my divorce that border or insanity.....and thats from the lawyers!

Just a thought but if you do move....wont contact put a strain on an already difficult siuation as well as relationship?

I truelly wish you well as I know how confusing/difficult/stressful it is to leave a marriage that has become a living nightmare. There is a lot of support/knowledge and experience here...take your time, use the resources and avoid the pitfalls.

Elle

Thanks Elle,

My whole situation is so mixed up as my wanting to move is what prompted my ex to go for residency, up until then he was happy for me to have full residency, so I am wondering if I should just drop the idea of moving..but then that will probably spell the end for my present relationship of one year..and I love him. I may then be obliged to stay locally at my ex's insistance. Any thoughts please appreciated.

Annie,
From my own experience of leaving a controlling bully who assureded me he would break me if i left....I was damned if i did....damned if I didnt. They say it takes an average of 4 years for the angry party to settle....9 years on he is as angry as ever and I have on;y recently stopped giving into his demands.

You have a real tough decision to make. What would be best for the children, what are their views on moving away, have they visited this place 200 miles aay, what impact will moving have on them and contact. IMHO if you move your x may up the ante....if you stay you are giving into him....all that said it really should be what is best for the children.

Elle

I would stay for at least a while. If your new relationship is worth having it will survive it, and staying where you are a bit longer gives more stability for the children in any case. You don't have to promise your ex anything, just stay where you are and establish the children's residency with you more solidly. He won't have a case in a year or two if you have had full residency up until then.

Sadie

Thanks Sadie,
That is very sound advice, and sort of what I was thinking of, but all the court papers etc have been done now with my intention to move being the central part, but I will speak to my solicitor to see if I can change things. x

sexysadie wrote:

I would stay for at least a while. If your new relationship is worth having it will survive it, and staying where you are a bit longer gives more stability for the children in any case. You don't have to promise your ex anything, just stay where you are and establish the children's residency with you more solidly. He won't have a case in a year or two if you have had full residency up until then.

Sadie

In my honest opinion the children's residency is well and truly established already.

Anniehall, have you made all the enquiries about schooling, doctors, dentists? Will you have a job? Is your new home a secure, in terms of not being chucked out after a row, home? What do your children think about probably losing contact with their father for the foreseeable future?

Answer these types of questions well and I fail to see how any Judge would deny you from moving on as a family.