Made to choose!!

I have been together since school for 17 years, married for 6. We have a 3 year old and a 17 month old. We were both hard workers with excellent career prospects and 12 months ago it became apparent my wife had an alcohol issue which has spiralled out of control. Having no idea about alcohol issues i was the 'enabler' since around 16 weeks ago when i had enough and she went back to her parents house. If anyone knows the behavioural patterns of alcoholics,they are awful people to be around, lies, theft, blame, physical and mental abuse, safety of babies, nightmare!

It was horrble to see my kids suffer and because i have stopped being the enabler of her illness, the abuse just got worse.

I am now and have been for the last say, 15 months, the mummy and daddy of our two children, full time worker with absolutely no respite. Social service and Health Visitors are involved but because their script usually entails the sex being the opposite way around, they are offering little support. I have lost 3 stone in weight and is also effecting me mentally. I have listened to my solicitor and have applied for a residence order for the kids tosafeguard them and have filed for divorce.

The marriage has broken down due to this illness and i do not want my / our children to suffer like most do when this illness affects families although i love my wife still, she does not seem to want to get better.

Her parents are finding it difficult but now they are enbling the condition andalot of the time fighting her corner. many times i have come home with the kids to find her collapsed in our house, when she should be at her parents, i then have to seek alternative refuge. This is obviously affects the kids routine. They just leave her and accept it! Unfortunately the residence order will not cover her coming back to the house so i am going to have to find alternative residence to settle the kids unil the house gets sold and you can imagine what the state of our 5 year old 4 bed detached will look like when an alcoholic has spent time there. And guess who will be funding this? I have no choice other than declare bankruptcy, which i do not want!

It is a very difficult time coming up to xmas and having to deal with her too, but i have been told by the agencies and my solicitor that there is nothing i can do unless violence is involved.....so much for seeking advice prior to violence aye!

Alcohol is a thief!

You sound like a really caring father faced with a situation that is fast developing into a nightmare. Shame really that you aren't female, as IMHO, the level of support you have received thus far here on Wiki would have been greatly advanced.

Your good nature is being taken advantage of by your wife the alcoholic and by the authorities who would prefer your children to be raised by a useless abusive mother than by you. IMHO.

Watch your back, if she turns nasty and decides to attack you, you may find yourself hauled out of your home and dumped into a police cell for a night or two while your wife and her parents are given a "police blessing" to strip the house and take the kids away from their stable home environment.

Whatever you do, do not defend yourself. If during her drunken stupor she decides to plunge a knife into you or squirt you with bleach, just adjust your body so that no vital organs are exposed.

I myself found this approach to be useful in my own dealings with a drunken abusive partner and the institutionalised gender discriminatory authorities.

Make sure that you keep a detailed diary. Perhaps start using wikis "blog" facility to get down all your feelings as each day goes by. Keep posting here.

Hope you survive

Thanks....good word and it really does sound like you have been the fly on the wall. The aggressiveness is the hardest thing in the world!

Last week was very difficult as she was using our house as a den in the daytime and being collected by her mum before i got home, a neighbour told me. I had enough so called SS and our local Family Safety Unit, without being sexist they told me that how can i be at risk, to simply remove her from the house, to which i replied, have you ever tried to remove an alcoholic when they dont want to be moved, especially in front of the kids. I asked when she hits me.....to be interrupted by the guy, who said, you will just have to hit her back then, its self defence isnt it....WHAT? At that point i thought that i am never going to get any sense here and terminated the call thinking that i had gone mad!!!!

Its just a crazy situation and because there has been o violence involved the agencies dont show any interest, so much for being pro-active.

Good news though, the following day, Tuesday this week. My eldests head of dept in school pulled me aside to inform me that she had seen enough of the suffering and hard work i had been going through and that she had decided to inform the school social worker. That afternoon i had a meeting with her and told her everything, which brought a tear to her eye, at that point i realised that i have been actually living a nightmare. She told me it was possibly the most extreme case she had experienced and that she will create a Child Concern Meeting which would include all the agencies.

I also had the date through for the Court hearing regarding the Resideny Order, this i have been told is a no brainer, but i have come to learn anything can happen if you are a male in this situation, without being sexist!

Thanks again