Hello from a man with a rather complicated problem

Hello

I am here basically because I have, for the last 2-3 years of my marriage, put up with things because of my children, but I am getting to the point where I can take no more.

The basic story is that in 2004 I met a portuguese girl at my workplace and after a few dates we got quite serious, to the point that we moved in together 6 months later.

She fell pregnant shortly after and all things were great. We were happy, we weren't overly stretched financially and life was good.

We got married in 2005 a couple of months after the birth and at this time we were still happy.

All through this time she was a little childish and I would give into certain requests (foolishly looking back now) and we bought a car and several electronic items on credit. These were all in my sole name as at the time it was easier than someone new to the country trying to get it and of course it didn't matter because we were happy.

We had another child in 2006 and therefore have a 2 and 3 year old at the moment.

The problems we have had over the last couple of years is that she doesn't understand finances (income against outcome basically) at all and thinks that I am hiding/stealing from her. She often tells me to take a knife and kill myself. We very rarely have sex and never kiss.

I have never left because I will not be seperated from my children which with them being so young I am scared a divorce will mean me losing custody. I feel they would be better cared for with me as she tends to ignore them and concentrate on TV, friends or the internet. She hardly ever pays them any attention apart from the first few minutes showing them off to friends or to let them sleep on the sofa whilst she watches the TV.

Dince I met her I have left one job through their unsympathetic dealings with a period of illness I had and also been pushed out of one job after a director change at the top (no way of proving this.) I then recently got laid off from a job where I was just a labourer and only the skilled workers were kept on. This has lead her to tell me that I am losing these jobs on purpose!!!

This time it worked out that it was easier for her to go full time, so I am now at home as the 'househusband'. She is always telling me to go and get a job BUT her hours (4pm - 9pm) are not suitable for me to get employment and she will not give her job up for me to get one. She seems to think its fine to shuttle the children between her, friends and then back to me whereas I do not agree with them being pushed from pillar to post like this.

Therefore with all the debts in my name (circa £8k) she has to transfer me money on top of the tax credits to pay the bills (We stil have peronal bank accounts, not joint ones.) This is where she accuses me of stealing money from her. Even though we are in this debt she is always talking of leather sofas, new computers, Wii consoles etc and I have to say politely NO at which point I am told to commit suicide I apparently want all the money (which is being used for bills so there is no money) for myself.

We live in a rented council house so we have no property to split. The car loan is in my name but I can't drive so it is basically her car although registered to me.

So all a little complicated.

Is there any way I can come out of this with my children, remaining in the council house we currently share without creditors stripping the house et al to recoup some of the debts? There isn't a lot of value in the house really that isn't vitally important. Mostly white goods.

Is she liable to take on the debt for the car seeing as she is the sole user of it?

I don't expect immediate answers nor a definitve list of what will happen of course. I have suffered for this long and therefore I can wait longer but I am so scared of her getting custody (and my children growing up as uncared for McDonald/TV addict yobs which is the way they would become under her lack of supervision) that I would not even contemplate divorce proceedings if there is any real chance of me losing custody.

Yours faithfully - A perplexed, worried man.

Is your wife likely to want sole custody? It's quite usual these days for both parents to have joint care with the children staying a few days overnight with each one.

The first thing is to sort out the childcare arrangements. Usually courts sort the children's housing needs first (and by extension those of the primary carer). If your wife is willing to share custody then you can make the arrangements that suit you.

If you think she is unfit you would need to go for full custody.

But if you were going to share, you'd need to both live in accommodation suitable for the children.

We still live together and have no spare money for it to be any other way. Its a little catch22 really.

I guess she would want joint custody but she suggests that I should walk away and she will let me see them. Its as if she has the right to keep them and I should accept it.

Last year however she stated that if we split she would go back to Portugal and then tried to 'strike a deal' whereby she would keep the youngest and I the eldest. I admit I did think about it for a week or two, but then dismissed the idea I have a huge bond to the eldest due to me being the one who pays him all attention whereas she hardly let go of the youngest for the first year so the same bond never happened in that case.

Things have changed a little however and since that first year my youngest interacts very well with me. Maybe due to her going back to her internet/TV ways.

What my question is mainly is Can I go through divorce whilst living in the same house and win custody? Neither of us will budge from the position of not leaving our children with the other for fear of it becoming permanent in the other's favour. How will all the debts in my name affect proceedings etc?

Now that roles are reversed I am househusband and it is therefore me who gets them up, takes them to nursery, feeds them and puts them to bed. The wife only sees them in lunch/tea breaks (she is a carer for the elderly so odd hours) and therefore the hours she is at home are usually early afternoon.

I really enjoy the increased time I now have with them compared to just the few hours after work that I used to get. She doesn't seem at all bothered about losing time with the children, complains about having to get up early every morning and missing TV programs instead without even acknowledging the children apart from handing biscuits over the safety gate whenever they ask!!!

The children are in bed by the time our arguments start.

AC