I'm new to this.....help!!!

Dont know where to start. Married 34 years. Marriage has had its ups and downs, but I never really thought it would come to this . On our anniversary weekend, hub caused a mega row, told me he had been looking at me lately and thinking 'do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person?'. The row escalated (he was by this time very drunk) and he threw everything I possess out of our bedroom, even all my toiletries from the bathroom cabinet in the en-suite and said he'd had enough. We have been having these 'break-ups' every couple of years for as long as I can remember, and it gets a bit more serious each time. This time it seems its for keeps. We are having to live under the same roof until we sell the house, which is a real strain. Thing is, we only had this row mid October, and he has SOOOOO moved on its unbelievable. He joined a dating website within a week of our row, and for the last few weeks has been dating a woman he met there, he's been with her all this weekend. He is a real control freak, everyone who knows him can vouch for that, and he's a real 'grass MUST be greener somewhere else' person, what I would call a malcontent. He has constantly made me feel not good enough for him. He has a very senior job, whereas I work with children which he doesn't deem a 'proper job'. He complains about my weight,my hair, my job, my house-keeping skills (right down to the freezer being too full or too empty). Everything he says is right and everything I say is wrong or stupid. If ever I voice my opinion or disagree with his viewpoint, I'm accused of 'always arguing'. He says I never offered him enough affection, but he doesnt understand that when someone's constantly nagging, criticising, moaning, nit-picking, its very difficult to be all affectionate towards them. I was desperately in love with him at the beginning but he has gradually eroded it all. Despite evrything I wanted us to stay together, and bit my tongue SOOOO often for the sake of peace and quiet, but when this latest row erupted I just couldnt sit there and not 'talk back'. However, I am gutted that such a long marriage has come to such a horrible end, I am a bit scared of going it alone, and I'm insulted and hurt that he has moved on so quickly, and while I'm sitting here mourning our passing, he's off screwing some other woman. Any comments or advice on how to cope with this welcomed!!!

It is difficult to know what to say that is helpful. You have obviously been having a rotten time for ages. As you still love your husband and would like to have him to yourself again, it would appear that the old chestnut of 'treat them mean, keep them keen' is true.

But how much of your wish to be together comes from a fear of the future? Quite a lot, I would guess - and I am not surprised and it's not uncommon. You have been together for a very long time, and it would appear that he has done just about everything possible to undermine your confidence - with considerable success.

I know that you haven't asked whether or not you should stay and fight or let him go and, in any case you are the only one in a position to answer that. However, there is a question I think you should ask yourself. That is, if you had a friend in your situation, what would you advise her.

You did ask for comments on how to cope. From what you write, it appears that you have built your life around your undeserving and unappreciative husband. I suspect you have been something of a door mat and (to mix metaphores) revolved round him for too long. I think you should now build a life that does not have him at the centre of it. Don't be at his beck and call, don't do his washing and don't cook his meals - unless life, while you are still under the same roof, would be too awful. Nevertheless, I don't see why his life should be as easy as it has been.

Spend time doing the things you haven't been able to do for years. Catch up with friends, start going to the gym, go to evening classes, learn a language, go to exhibitions, do whatever you find interesting; there are all sorts of things you can do - but do them for yourself. And, in doing them, you will meet new people, and some of those people will see values in you that your husband has ignored or done his best to demolish.

Apart from being a control freak, you husband sounds thoroughly rude and unpleasant. He has undervalued you and not respected you. By not kow towing to him all the time, he might start to see a bit more of the person you really are; he might not but, if things carry on as they are, he's going to disappear anyway.

Actually, apart from everything else, I think he sounds thoroughly menopausal and, if he doesn't change, he's going to end up as a thoroughly lonely person - and serve him right.

Hi SusiQ

I'm so sorry you're in such a bad situation. You must have had the patience of a saint if you've been putting up with these rows over the years. You've given so much of your life to him it must be very hard to consider moving on. But think of your own life - you only have the one - do you really want it to keep on like this. I know it can be scary thinking about a big change like this and wondering about how it might all work out. But think positively - imediate's advice is good - get out and do your own things and start to build the life you want.

It is always painful when a relationship ends. I suspect that the hurt and pain you are feeling because he has moved on so quickly is not much different to how those of us who have had to put up with a cheating spouse feels. The betrayal is awful and although it could be argued in his favour that he left you before starting on the next woman, I am very sure that this is of little comfort after 34 years of marriage.

Things you can do. Do not take any interest in what he is doing or who he is seeing. He may even want to tell you, he won't even realise how cutting it is to have to hear it from him.

You need to protect your own state of mind. Don't ask him about the new woman. If he brings it up tell him it is not appropriate for him to duscuss his new love life with his ex-wife. If he starts to tell you, excuse yourself, get up and go..anywhere, but don't let him abuse you emotionally and don't do it to yourself by wanting to know.

It is really hard to do this, but I am sure many on here will support what I am saying.

I presume you are in separate bedrooms, if not, do it now. You will have to sort out domestic arrangements. If he the provider and you are the homemaker then there is no reason to stop that process if you can both live with it. But as Imediate says, don't be at his beck and call. I don't see any mileage in not making him dinner if you are cooking for yourself. You don't have to eat with him, but getting petty about a plate of stew or dirty socks after 34 years is just silly.

With the state of the housing market, you both may well need to accept that being under the same roof for the next year is very likely.

Things that I don't feel any person should tolerate whether married for 3 years or 34 years. The FMH when both parties are still living there is off limits for romance with a new person.

Good luck to you.

Hi SusiQ,

There are so many posters on these forums that will relate to where you are coming from. Please don't ever blame yourself, you are your own person and deserve respect not constant criticism.

It is domestic abuse. Hard to take on board at first, I couldn't believe it myself, but read up about it and you will find out just what I'm talking about. It doesn't have to be physical, verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad and if you've had that for 34 years, you must be a saint.

You deserve better, trouble is, it's very unlikely you will get it with your present husband.

Try reading up some of the threads on this board, usually in relationships, search for abuse and you will find that you are not alone. In fact there is a thriving community here that grows stronger with help and support from fellow peeps here.

Scousegirl, I could have written that post! I also get some down days but on the whole I well out of that marriage and doing all the things I couldn't do before. I'm being 'me' for the first time ever in my life - at 50!!! I love it.

Duck

Thanks to all of you who took the time to reply to my '...help...'. Reading through what has been said has made me a bit stronger, and more calm about things generally, although obviously i still have blips, usually resulting in me making some kind of 'snide remark' as he calls them.

It is so reassuring to hear from other people who have had similar relationships, it makes me realise it wasn't all my fault!!

Stbx is still pursuing his new relationship, though I get the feeling its not as perfect as he'd like it to be...though that's the story of his life, nothing and nobody quite hits the spot, and even if they do it doesn't last long. I think one day I may even feel sorry for him, it must be dreadful being constantly let down and disappointed!!!

The really SAD part of this, and what really hurts the most, is that I am sure that had he not been such a malcontent, he would have realised that actually I'm not half bad, have generally gone along with him, have bitten my tongue till it almost fell off, and am actually not in bad shape for a 58 yrs old. We actually had a really good life, and had he been a more contented person we could have been very happy till we were a doddery old couple, which is all I ever wanted. Some of you might think that's where I went wrong, cow-towing to him and letting him get away with too much in the early years, well I wondered that, but I know he wouldn't have taken it if I'd stood up to him, and we'd probably have divorced years ago, or never married in the first place. He is actually an ego-centric bully.

Let this be a warning to any of you who are being too submissive in your relationships, it doesn't work forever, it may paper over the cracks for a while, even for 30+ years as in my case, but it still won't be a happy ending, so get out now, while you have some self-respect left, and while you are young enough to start over.

I do actually feel very sad and bitter, that all these years I 'towed the line' and now just when I'm getting too old to start again, he dumps me and goes off looking elsewhere. I hope his new love isn't as stupid as me, I can't imagine she is. I would love to warn her, but I won't. Part of me is waiting to see the look on his face when she 'susses' him and runs for cover. Now I really am sounding bitter.

Thanks again for all your support. I will log in again in a few days, if there's anything new, or just to have a ramble and get things off my chest.

Your story sounds similar to mine. My ex was a very egotistical, hasty tempered,control freek. A good saying is "a demon in the home an angel in the street". A leopard never changes its spots and i will see how long he lasts with his internet woman. I tolerated him for 24 years so lets see how long this lasts and a child involved who is not his so watch this space as they say. We are much better off without them and i know how hard it is to get that straight in your head but just remember the bad times and that helps.