A decision to make ... help!

Hi All

I have been reading through the forum all afternoon and finally plucked up the courage to ask for advice.

I have been married to my wife to 16 years and have two kids (1 & 6) ... we have always been a "good team" and have had a stable relationship ... though recently we are more like brother and sister, than husband and wife.

However, 16 months ago I met someone and have been having an affair. What started off as a "bit of fun" has become very serious and I am thinking of leaving my wife.

I love my family and do not want to hurt my wife and kids - but understand if I leave, this will happen. I will always want to ensure they are provided for and cannot imagine not seeing my kids.

So I am stuck between staying with my family (and a wife I no longer have any passion for) or leave to be with someone I feel is my soulmate.

I have been thinking about this for so long now ... is the grass greener, what is the impact on my kids, the trail of distruction separation will leave.

Any advice from other side, positive or negative ... anything to help in such a hard decision.

Many thanks

J

Hi jbounerex,

Firstly I think this is a very courageous post.

You could have been my husband writing this a year ago.

Your wife may love you truly and deeply as I do my husband. I have learned over the past twelve months that you can throw away so much.

Was your wife your soulmate once?

You are in the early stages of this new and secret relationship and you have all the excitement that goes with that.

If you can give this woman up to truly take some time to be with your wife and to try to rekindle what once was there for you both I believe you have a wonderful opportunity here.

We all have needs to be met and you and your wife aren't meeting eachothers right now, perhaps for quite some time. The deep feelings you share shouldn't be cast aside but nurtured, they are so precious.

Don't underestimate the devastation this could cause to many people. I have experienced nothing like it... a deep grief and despair. The effect on the children is enormous but you will know that in your heart.

I found the website marriagebuilders.com... give it a try, it may help you to understand.

I truly hope you'll take some more time to really understand what's going on here before making any decisions.

Here's wishing you well and hoping you have the courage to find a way to a peace and love in your life.

Molly x

Molly make all the right points. Listen to what she is saying. Most of us on here are on the losing side of adultry and it is an awful thing to go through.

It will also be nasty for you.

I don't expect you to take our advice. But is is very clear. Stop seeing the other woman now and fix your marriage. You owe that to your wife and your children.

If you really try to make it work, it might. If it does not then things will be clearer for everyone. It will be so very hard to do and the new woman is going to get really hurt. You just have to decide who you feel for comfortable hurting your wife and your children or the girl friend.

If all you want to know is how awful it is going to be, I will try to put it into perspective. If you tell your wife you are leaving her for someone else, or you leave it until she finds out she will got through hell like nothing you can image. Image the person you love the most dying in your arms, but not really being dead, there everyday as a reminder to you.

And that is before you even start on the ightmare of residency and contact rights over children let along finances.

What you have done is wrong. The second person to be told that something was/is missing in your relationship should have been your wife. But it is never to late.

I really hope you get a chance to save your marriage or at least try.

Hi Jbounrex,

Well done for stopping and thinking about this! You are at a pivotal moment in your life and please believe me that what is uppermost in your mind at the moment is your own life. This is not a criticism, it is a fact.

At a time like this it is extremely difficult to know whether one is thinking straight. Whether it is better to bring up one's children in a nuclear family unit where there is no love between the parents or to go through a divorce and share the upbringing of the children, certainly at the beginning through a period of emotional turmoil for each parent.

It seems to me that you and your wife having a 'brother and sister' relationship is not too bad at all and it is highly unlikely to be adversely affecting your children. Perhaps your wife has felt this too but doesn't know what to do about it? Have you explored this possibility?

There is nothing on this earth that can replace your current relationship with your wife and children. Grass most definitely appears greener on the other side and novelty is always exciting. I congratulate you for your good sense in realising the possibility that your thoughts may be being affected by the lure of a new life and the prospect of someone whom you fell to be a true soulmate.

Please consider that after 16 months it is still a novelty. Can you remember what you felt for your wife and for how many years when you first married?

I wish you the strength and patience for serious reflection, together with the determination and resolve to make your decision and stick with it, whichever way you decide.

YA

All i can say is please please do not do this to your wife.

My husband cheated on me and left for the OW and it is undescribable the pain it causes.

Please take a step back, have a few weeks away from the OW to get your head straight,at least while after xmas then if you are still undecidied have some time alone, without either of them in your life so at least you can hopefully make an unbiased descision.

If you do leave your wife for the OW there will be no turning back, very few relationships can recover from such a betrayal.

Thank you for your words of wisdom ... you have confirmed my fears over the pain it will cause my wife and many others.

However, I still feel torn ... meeting my girlfriend has opened my eyes to what a relationship could be ... we just click and share so many shared passions. Whereas my wife and I are opposites and except for the kids have no shared interests.

Is it fair to stay in a almost loveless relationship ... could my wife me happier with someone else?

Or am I simply having an early mid-life crisis!

There is a chance my wife and I could fix things but we never did have that intense love that I have with my girlfriend. But I am thinking hard about the realities of living with my girlfriend and understand it won't be some sort of eutopia.

I look at my parents how stayed together "for the kids" and divorced when they were both about 60 ... now they are lonely and depressed. Had they divorced 20 years ago, would they have found happiness?

I know there is no right answer, and many of you reading this have been on the wrong side of the decision I am considering.

My head shouts stay with my wife, my heart pleads for me to be with my girlfriend.

Thanks ...

J

As you may know from reading the devastation it causes on here, you will know that it will hurt your children, wife, family, friends and affect more people than you would ever imagine.

I am not saying that you should stay married if you are unhappy and not able to give your wife the love and respect she deserves. Thats not fair on her either. You made the decision already to have an affair and not sort things out (if they could be) so maybe you have already made your decision?

Not many people who leave for their affair really find their soulmate as the relationship is built on lies and infidelity, some do however.

My ex left me for another woman and then wanted to come back six months later when he didnt like the fact that I was moving on and his lover was not what he thought, funny but she also cheated on him, also he despised that people thought less of him. His guilt and anger and pain are still going on two years later.

Maybe as you say your wife could be happier with someone that loves her and wants to be with her. This takes some time though and it wont be an easy ride for anyone.