advice needed re christmas and children

My husband left me in August ( thank god ) when we split it was a surprise but a welcome one. We have three children 17 12 and 11. After a while it became apparent that he had moved in with a friend of mine ( she is welcome to him and his moods laziness and temper ) I do not have a problem with this but my children are refusing to meet her and blame her for the split, although they all say they do not want him to move back home and all feel that the house is happier since he left.
My ex wants to see the kids on Boxing Day and would like to take them to her house but my eleven year old is refusing.
The problem I have is that at the moment he only sees them for an hour at a time, so I get no break, if they were able to accept her they could spend time there so I could maybe have nights out and get my life on track.
I know it sounds selfish but I feel that he is able to get on with his life and i am trapped at home with the kids
any solutions ?????

Hi cardwell,

You dont sound selfish...you are no good to anyone worn out and ragged. Regards your eleven year old refusing....isnt it rather early days....the adjustments for this child need addressed...is that happening/

Elle

I understand how you feel.

11 I am finding is a nightmare age for this. They feel that they are being untrue to you if they see their father?

All I can advise is to talk to them openly about how you would like them to retain a relationship with their father, that you are ok with it and support them.

Has he spoken to them about it - without the other woman around? He needs to build time with them again before rushing them into full on contact with the OW imo. Can he not take them to his family on Boxing Day.

Its not surprising that he has bridges to build with them if their contact has been limited since he left. Can you discuss this with him?

Otherwise - ask the children what they would like? And let hime know so its not you telling him? I know its frustrating but they may just take some time at that age to accept what he has done, they are hurt in a way as well and its the way that teens tend to deal.

In the new year is there anyone that can sit with them or stay with them while you get your life back on track?

dad has still not spoken to the children about the seperation/situation I have asked him to but he justs thinks it is me nagging I have suggested that they first meet with her on neutral ground doing something fun for the children, I have spoken to them about it and explained that I do not have any problem with them being together and that she is a nice person etc etc etc

I just feel that is me enabling the father child relationship all of the time with no effort from him ( nothing new there)

The worry I have is that I will begin to feel resentful of the situation, mainly because by seventeen year old is mentally ill and I am his full time carer and would love a break

My ex would like our boys - nearly 17 and 14.5 to go to his new place sometime over Xmas. But new woman is unknown to them and she has two younger children, 9 and 5. I think our boys would like to feel their Dad wants to see them, not that he's happy to fit them in/share them with strangers.

I would love to have a break too, its tough living with older lad who has left school and isn't doing anything about getting a job etc but who is feeling he is an adult and finding it difficult to accept my rules.

It's tough, but I know the situation won't be forever.

I think you have two issues here
a) the children's relationship with their father
b) getting a break for yourself

Is there anyone else you can ask to be with your children - or could you ask your husband to come and babysit while you have some time to yourself?