All about me

Hi all...

I'm sure you've all been here before, so you can imagine that as a first time user this is quite a scary place to be writing. I've talked about this for a while with a few close friends, so it's not the first time I'm vocalising all this, but it does make it 'real'.

Anyway, quick introduction...

I'm a 34 year-old guy, married to a woman 1-year older. Been together about 10 years, married for 7 and a half. No kids (see below). Run a company together. House that is mortgaged, but we've built up savings to effectively pay it off in March '09.

At the moment, I've come to the decision that I need to move on in my life, but am petrified of how to do it. I've searched the forums, and gained some fairly good advice on the legalities and how it works BUT actually having that chat is scaring the bejesus out of me.

Reasons for splitting? It boils down to the fact that my wife is a pretty challenging person to live with. 80% of the time, things are perfect, but I (as a perpetual positive person) can't live with the other 20% which is eternally putting up barriers, hurdles, negativity...call it what you will. I'm not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that if I live with her forever, I'll be living a sham, which is not good for either party.

Now then...kids. Ever since date one, we've talked about and wanted kids. We'd named the first two on our second date. We moved from good jobs in London and Oxford to come to the countryside and grow a family here. We've been here five years, grown the company to have two other employees so we can take a bit of a back seat. Perfect for a family, right? Well, it would have been except none have turned up. Turns out we can't have kids. And it's my issue. So she could have kids with another guy. I'd really like her to have that chance.

We've been through one failed cycle of IVF this summer, which (looking back) prompted this 'what does my life mean' conversation in my head. I've had thoughts about leaving before, so it's not new news for me to be thinking this way. The second cycle was due to start this week, but I convinced wife to postpone it till next year as I wasn't ready. I also didn't want to break up with her just before Christmas - that'd be pretty shitty. Long story, but her Christmas period is all about family deaths, break-ups, burials and birthdays. Not a good time.

I've been to a counsellor about this who, at one time, was considering referring me on to a mental health team as I was heading into suicidal thoughts. I just didn't know what to do with my life, what breaking up would mean, how to do it, wanting to make sure wife is secure once we do break up.

Last thing to make clear - I have no resentment for my wife, I just can't live with her any more. She's a good person that deserves someone to love her as much as she needs to be loved, but that is not me. I don't love her any more, and each day...each comment...each rant chips away at the love that I did have for her.

So...questions...

I'm interested to hear stories from people who initiated the proceedings in similar circumstances.

How did you approach the big chat?
Where were you when it happened?
What happened immediately afterwards?
What would you avoid saying/doing in the heat of the moment?
What would you recommend?

I can't say I'm looking forward to the next few months, but as a positive person I feel confident that the future is bright from the summer onwards next year.

With thanks in advance

S

Hiya welcome to wiki xx

The big chat well allI can say is she probably already knows its coming !
Have you both been to joint counselling - perhaps you need tosuggest this and then see which direction it goes. Whatever you plan it wont go the way you think as you cant predict her reaction. You sound like you are carrying so much guilt around. We had our first child naturally then had 17 lots of IVF and then conceived naturally 2 children it was his problemas you put it. Think the way you view it as being your fault says alot about your relationship. A baby wont put things right it will only highlight your problems more.
If youve really decided not to go on with the relationship then have the chat tonight putting it off will just make it worse. There is no right time.
Let me know how it goes.
Take care x

Hi there,
I am brand new to this site also so not sure I'll be much help and the only similarities we have is that I stopped loving my husband and had to iniciate the split and I can sympathise with the guilt and dread you must be feeling.
I can also say that my husband and I split once before and due to my guilt and confusion we gave it another go and another 5 years and 1 more child together we are splitting up again.
Trust your instincts and although it seems like the hardest thing to do have the conversation about how you feel and be completely honest, you cannot help the way you feel and it won't go away.
I try to focus on a positive outcome and see things in stages. Get through this bit then worry about the next stage otherwise it becomes overwhelming!
Maybe counselling together would help?
Good luck
x

hi baglake and blanca

welcome to wiki guys...

baglake you put alot in your post which im not really able to help with as im not in your situ re the children thing...but there alot of people here who will be able to offer support and advice so keep posting...

blanca - supports here for you too -

the great thing about wiki (sadly i must say but without it god....) is that there are many here with different and similar situations but everyone here is able to help in some way...

whether it be advice or just virtual tissues when needed.

so both please stick with us and hopefully it will help..
take care guys

Daisy
xx